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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

School causes son great anxiety

28 replies

FibroMummy · 09/01/2023 08:30

I'm going to start by apologising for this long post but I really need some advise. As a toddler my ds now 6 absolutely hated being away from me, he would scream to the point he made himself sick and it resulted in all family and friends refusing to look after him even for me to visit the doctors or hospital appointments alone. When he was 3 we tried a really gradual introduction to nursery starting with a stay and play where I would stay with him, then gradually moving to me being outside in the playground but as soon as it come to me leaving him all together even for very short periods (we started at 30mins) he we get himself into such a state with crying and would often barricade himself into cupboards or under the climbing frame refusing to come out unless the nursery called me, which they done each and everytime, meaning my DS learnt that as soon as he didn't want to be there without me all he had to do was barricade himself and they would call me. After this going on for several months and it getting to the point I wouldn't even reach home (10 doors away from the nursery) before getting the call to go back, we decided to try switch to another nursery hoping that they would perhaps have a different way of managing his behaviour. We tried over several months to settle him into the new nursery, but it would take the staff over half an hour each morning to literally rip him off me while he's desperately trying to hang on for dear life, only to get 10 minutes in nursery before they call me back once again to fetch him. This went on for months and was so draining for myself and my DS my partner worked full time and his only support was saying "keep sending him". We then went into lockdown so nursery was closed and my DS was at home with myself and his sister my DD. As time approached to apply for his school place I had come to the decision he was no way ready to go to school full time having found nursery so difficult and lock downs meaning he had no chance to settle in a nursery before moving to school, I therefore kept him at home, home schooling him all the way through his reception stage at school much to my partner and all of my families disapproval. Once he reached age 5 , my health took a dramatic decline and my partner had to give up work to "care" for myself and he demanded DS was in school full time so very reluctantly i sent him to the same school as DD and after a very rocky start he began to start settling down and all was seemingly going well for him, he had a wonderful 1 to 1 support teacher who helped him throughout his school day and he generally seemed happy. However the week before Christmas that 1 to 1 teacher left the school and he has now been put back into a normal class room environment and is struggling massively. Not only academically is he below all of his targets but emotionally he's extremely upset and anxious again, he is struggling to sleep knowing he has school the next day, back to wetting the bed at age 6 having been dry through the night for 2 years, this only happens Sunday through to Thursday and he is dry over the weekend. He's refusing all breakfast in the morning saying he feels sick, he will try hiding to avoid getting his school uniform on getting very upset in the process, it's so very distressing for me to witness. Am I right in thinking he should be offered more support in school? Is there anything I can do to try ease this anxiety he is suffering with? Partner and DS dad isn't very supportive and will just shout at him making the whole situation much worse. Hoping to get some advise from mummy's who have been through the same.

OP posts:
SmileWithADimple · 09/01/2023 08:33

That sounds hard OP. Can you talk to the SENCO at his school?

PurBal · 09/01/2023 08:35

I don’t want to read and run. I haven’t experienced this but I do wonder whether a play therapist might help.

Littlefish · 09/01/2023 08:36

I think you need to speak to both the school and GP to request a referral to a community paediatrician for a full neurodevelopmental assessment.

Chaiandchocolate · 09/01/2023 08:38

@Littlefish This

You could also see if the school run the ELSA programme - speak to the Senco. This programme is to support children with emotional needs etc

Sirzy · 09/01/2023 08:44

you Need to sit down with the school and discuss the best way to support him. Providing full 1-1 is unlikely to happen even with an ehcp in place realistically.

can he go part time to build it up to being in more? Having not been away from you for five years it’s going to be hard for him to adjust but ultimately he needs to learn that when you leave you will come back when you say you will.

Cakeyface123 · 09/01/2023 09:41

I’ve been there with my DS7. He doesn’t go to school now. I have no advice I’m sorry apart from to get SENCO involved if they’re not already. Does he have any other issues? My DS has ASD with PDA profile which doesn’t present as obvious as ASD as he is is very articulate. I’ve attached the post from my blog as i think you’ll massively relate to the school refusal post (admin might delete this post due to me posting a link to my blog)

thepdaway.blogspot.com/2022/04/school-refusal.html

PragmaticWench · 09/01/2023 09:47

Separation anxiety needs professional help, have the school made a referral to a paediatrician for assessment? If not your GP can refer your DS.

JustKeepBuilding · 09/01/2023 09:48

The school should be providing support e.g. do they have someone delivering emotional literacy support, nurture group, drawing and talking... However, does DS have an EHCP? Without an EHCP 1:1 long term is highly unlikely. If he doesn’t have an EHCP you should apply. If he does have an EHCP does it specify and quantify 1:1? And any therapies to help with the anxiety?

FibroMummy · 09/01/2023 10:11

I had a meeting with senco on Friday and although he is behind on all his targets he's in year 2 but working at reception level they say he is making progress therefore has no SEN need. They did however recognise he is extremely anxious but there only bit of advise was he needs to be here by law.

OP posts:
FibroMummy · 09/01/2023 10:13

Cakeyface123 thankyou I will give that a read. School are saying he has no other needs but I personally believe he does a very good job of masking at school to fit in and once home has these huge outbursts

OP posts:
Tigofigo · 09/01/2023 10:18

PragmaticWench · 09/01/2023 09:47

Separation anxiety needs professional help, have the school made a referral to a paediatrician for assessment? If not your GP can refer your DS.

Do you know anyone who has actually been able to access therapy or professional support for separation anxiety via NHS? My DC is similar to OP's but I haven't even tried GP as there seems no point given CAMHS are so stretched.

Mischance · 09/01/2023 10:27

My GS had private therapy for separation anxiety. It was expensive, but thankfully successful. The difference for him was that both parents were on the same page, and no-one shouted at him.

My opinion (and this will be shouted down) is that school is a very abnormal environment and that some children are simply not suited to it. These children need home ed, maybe in small groups with other home ed children. It is not reasonable to continue to send him into a situation he is unable to handle, for whatever reason. He is not gaining academically and is more likely to learn in a situation where he is not overwhelmed with anxiety. What purpose does school therefore serve in his life? It makes him ill - he is not learning. Seems pointless and traumatic to me.

I am sorry that you are ill yourself in addition to these problems.

Cakeyface123 · 09/01/2023 10:30

FibroMummy · 09/01/2023 10:11

I had a meeting with senco on Friday and although he is behind on all his targets he's in year 2 but working at reception level they say he is making progress therefore has no SEN need. They did however recognise he is extremely anxious but there only bit of advise was he needs to be here by law.

Mmmm - yes it’s the law and school want the good attendance figures. However ….they can threaten to fine or prosecute you but the reality is that anxiety alone is a heath need and a barrier to attending school. Have a look at the link below, read up on what school can/can’t and should be doing. we chose to stop forcing him in - it took a lot to decide this and it’s not for everyone - but over the years I believe his well-being and mental health was more important (and he was withdrawing massively, anxiety turning to depression/burnout im not sure). I’m hoping at some point he will engage with online learning or a tutor and be able to get his GCSE’s. You’re not alone though. There’s a whole community of us out there x

notfineinschool.co.uk

Cakeyface123 · 09/01/2023 10:32

I also think the SENCO has fobbed you off massively there. He’s in year 2 but working at Reception age? As well as the clear anxiety and emotional issues. He needs SEN support urgently. I’d be pushing for a EHC assessment at the very least

JustKeepBuilding · 09/01/2023 10:35

DS does have SEN. Without considering any other needs the level of anxiety displayed is a SEMH need.

Mischance OP and her DP don’t need to EHE. If DS can’t attend school full time the LA must make alternative provision. With an EHCP an EOTAS package can be put in place that can offer far more than the vast majority of parents could provide if they EHE.

Sirzy · 09/01/2023 10:38

You can apply for an ehcp yourself.

PragmaticWench · 09/01/2023 12:17

Tigofigo · 09/01/2023 10:18

Do you know anyone who has actually been able to access therapy or professional support for separation anxiety via NHS? My DC is similar to OP's but I haven't even tried GP as there seems no point given CAMHS are so stretched.

No I haven't heard of anyone, you're absolutely right that it's unlikely to be able to access therapy on the NHS. I think it would be sensible however for the OP to request a referral to a paediatrician as it sounds like her DS should be assessed. ASD is a possibility as anxiety is linked.

We've had to go down the private therapy route for DD (anxiety) as whilst she's going through the ASD assessment, actual therapy support is clearly not something forthcoming on the NHS.

Littlefish · 09/01/2023 14:36

FibroMummy · 09/01/2023 10:13

Cakeyface123 thankyou I will give that a read. School are saying he has no other needs but I personally believe he does a very good job of masking at school to fit in and once home has these huge outbursts

School is talking absolute rubbish in saying that he doesn't have any other needs.

I agree that ASD with a PDA profile is a possibility. PDA produces an anxiety response when demands are made.

JustKeepBuilding · 09/01/2023 14:43

The benefit of applying for an EHCNA is if you get an EHCP therapies can be included in there. Then it must be provided, if the NHS can’t or won’t provide it the LA must fund independent provision.

FibroMummy · 10/01/2023 07:28

@Mischance I agree that I currently don't think school is benefitting him in any shape or form currently. He's not learning as he is filled with anxiety in the class room and emotionally it is draining for him and he is making himself physical I'll through lack of sleep and getting upset. I home schooled him all the way through his reception year and to be honest we both really enjoyed it but with Partner now at home full time he's refusing to let me go back to home schooling which makes it very difficult for me.

OP posts:
RuffledRaven · 10/01/2023 07:44

That sounds really tough and upsetting..

I wouldn't be happy with that response from the school, however for me the glaring thing in your posts is your dp, and I wonder how much he is adding to the stress and anxiety for you and your D's.

Sirzy · 10/01/2023 07:54

To be fair though if the OPs health is poor enough that her partner has had to give up work and become her full time carer then I can see why home Ed probably wouldn’t be the best option for everyone involved.

for HE to work, especially for a child with such anxiety problems, it takes a lot of time and effort making sure the child is attending a wide variety of groups and activities.

America12 · 10/01/2023 09:06

If you're able to hone school I would.
I'd get rid of the partner first.
Buy this does need looking into.

MouseRoar · 10/01/2023 09:44

Your partner sounds like a huge part of the problem here.
Do you think your relationship will go the distance? Might be best for your son to get rid sooner rather than later if you think not.

JustKeepBuilding · 10/01/2023 09:46

OP if DS can’t attend school full time you don’t need to EHE, the LA must provide alternative provision, this could include home tuition. And an EOTAS package via an EHCP can include much more.

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