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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I’m not responsible for the happiness of others at my expense?

48 replies

OopsyDaisy11 · 08/01/2023 22:22

My OH is a hardworking and faithful man - cannot fault him for that at all! He has always supported me and now our LO and often works longer hours to earn more. However, he is very needy when it comes to getting out the house and doing things.

When I gave birth to our LO, I made a real effort to get up and do things whilst he was on paternity leave. I had to stay in hospital for 2 nights but I was going out by day 6 for food/ coffee/ walks. I was exhausted but I did it to make him happy and ensure he enjoyed his paternity.

Looking back I realised I did too much too soon. I lost over a litre of blood during childbirth and had to have my placenta removed.

He never once said thanks to me for making the effort and when I brought this up he said he thought I would have wanted to go out. I said I did but I also did it because I knew if we stayed in he would have got moody.

On his last day of paternity leave he was moody at me because we didn’t go out. I was exhausted. I was so hurt that he was annoyed at me considering the circumstances.

He says that I “dilly dally” and don’t get ready quick enough on the weekends to get “up and out” and wants to be out of the house before 10. I’ve been unwell recently and found I have low vitamin D. Some days I just want to rest.

AIBU to think that I shouldn’t make someone else happy at my own expense?

OP posts:
AndyWarholsPiehole · 08/01/2023 22:32

YANBU. I really cannot understand why peope stay with partners like yours. It truly blows my mind.

Wombats67 · 08/01/2023 22:35

Jeez, I'm not even awake enough most dats to think about going out at 10. No dc, just crap in the mornings.

Anyone who used the word "dilly dally" for how long it takes me to sort myself out in the morning would get short shrift.

I best this is the tip of an abuse iceberg.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/01/2023 22:53

Why does be need you to go out as well? Cant he take your child out somewhere in the morning then you all go out in the afternoon?

This is surely an example where some compromise can be reached. Though when you have had a difficult birth the one that should have been compromising is him

Sandydune · 08/01/2023 22:53

That sounds awful re: his paternity leave. It’s not there for him to enjoy!
How long is it now since you’ve given birth? Are you still struggling/exhausted from that?
Is there anyone you can confide in that he’d listen to and respect - Mum, MIL, sister?
At best, it sounds like he just doesn’t ‘get it’ in terms of what you’ve been through/are going through. He maybe needs someone else to help reinforce a few basics with him.

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/01/2023 22:59

Err, his paternity leave is not there for him to enjoy himself, other than through helping/supporting/bonding, etc, it’s not a holiday from work ffs. If he’s desperate to go out early why can’t he take HIS child out while you rest up?

Original poster
OopsyDaisy11 · 08/01/2023 23:02

@Wombats67 I don’t think he would be abusive. We’ve been together for a very long time.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick I think he wants to do things as a family and he says to me that he thinks I would want too, as well. Which I do, but sometimes I just want to chill out. I try to come up with ideas of what we can do but he never seems happy with them. So now I’ve told him that he can decide.

@Wombats67 7 months. I have just got on with things. My dad passed away too in that time. I could speak to his mum as we get on well. I’ve tried to explain and communicate countless times but I think he thinks I am just going on or moaning. Think he struggles to see things from a different perspective

@AndyWarholsPiehole its not all bad, just this issue really!

OP posts:
Wombats67 · 08/01/2023 23:07

It is abuse tho, bet there's sulking as well as moaning. What happens if you stay home?

I had a work colleague with a DH like this, it spiralled until the DC didn't tow his line & all ended really badly, with lifelong trauma for my colleague about the effect of enforcement of "fun" outings. Sounds trivial but if you can't relax with a baby, where will it end?

Original poster
OopsyDaisy11 · 08/01/2023 23:09

@Sandydune replied to wrong person - 7 months. I have just got on with things. My dad passed away too in that time. I could speak to his mum as we get on well. I’ve tried to explain and communicate countless times but I think he thinks I am just going on or moaning. Think he struggles to see things from a different perspective

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 08/01/2023 23:10

This is a miserable relationship. He only cares about himself.

UrsulaPandress · 08/01/2023 23:10

Plough your own furrow my dear.

BabyOnBoard90 · 08/01/2023 23:11

This is what happens you sensitise very trivial issues on a forum full of miserable strangers.

You'll now have users trying to convince you your DH is an abuser. Of course you know he's not, but you didn't make this thread so they can say anything nice about him.

It's not that serous

Original poster
OopsyDaisy11 · 08/01/2023 23:12

@Purplecatshopaholic he does take LO now. Sometimes if I say I want a rest he will joke about saying I get one in the week cos I’m on Mat leave - he does this to banter me as he knows it winds me up lol. If I say I’m tired he says I shouldn’t go on my phone late at night (ironically what I’m doing now). I just think a lot at night and can’t always settle with my mind, so takes me a while to drift off..

OP posts:
Original poster
OopsyDaisy11 · 08/01/2023 23:13

@Wombats67 in my opinion, it isn’t and I know it isn’t. I’m sorry for your colleague however!

OP posts:
Original poster
OopsyDaisy11 · 08/01/2023 23:14

@Doyoumind isn’t miserable I just want to know that I’m not being unreasonable

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 08/01/2023 23:15

If you were never going out and having a family time, he would have a point. There's often (valid) complaints of partners on here who've checked out.
He wants to go out always, you don't always. So why on earth would you both think that it's always what he wants?!? It doesn't make any sense op.
Compromise, chill in the weekend mornings, out in the afternoons, or even better for you to chill more, he takes your lo out of a weekend morning, you lie in, you all go out in the afternoons.

If that doesn't make absolute sense to you op, and you can't present it and for him to accept it as the obvious compromise, then, as others have suggested/suspected, there's far bigger problems here.

Original poster
OopsyDaisy11 · 08/01/2023 23:15

@BabyOnBoard90 isn’t stuff like this is what mums net is for?

I only made it to see if I was being unreasonable or over reacting with my thoughts that I am not here to make others happy at my own expense..

OP posts:
BabyOnBoard90 · 08/01/2023 23:18

OopsyDaisy11 · 08/01/2023 23:15

@BabyOnBoard90 isn’t stuff like this is what mums net is for?

I only made it to see if I was being unreasonable or over reacting with my thoughts that I am not here to make others happy at my own expense..

I don't think YABU. I do think you're overreacting.

Keroppi · 08/01/2023 23:18

Well you need to stand up for yourself and either have a proper stern conversation or ignore his moaning and just get ready on your/baby's own time!! Perhaps enforce that agreed upon outings happen after you've all had lunch at home. If anything it will save money and you're at home to deal with weaning mess?

It gets harder to get out fast as they get older, so what will he do, moan at you both? Is he even helping you and baby get up and ready in the morning's? Your baby is 7 months, they're a super cute potato still lol, he needs to chill on the jam packed family days out until baby can enjoy them properly!

If he is needy to get out and about immediately then he needs to join a hobby group or go to the gym when convenient for you all. Are you afraid to speak up for yourself in general, or just with him? Why do you think you took it upon yourself to be his social coordinator and facilitate his paternity leave/leisure time at your own expense? Just questions to explore to yourself. So sorry for the loss of your dad, too.Flowers

arethereanyleftatall · 08/01/2023 23:19

Lol - I'm not really sure that women with high bars who value themselves are miserable! Maybe some are, maybe some aren't. Bizarre comment.

Original poster
OopsyDaisy11 · 08/01/2023 23:20

@arethereanyleftatall thank you for this suggestion. Definitely something I’ll be speaking with OH about.

@BabyOnBoard90 fair

OP posts:
UniversalTruth · 08/01/2023 23:20

I think you might be asking the wrong question OP.

Maybe reframe as: how can we both get what we need?

It doesn't sound like communication is a strong point of the relationship - people (men?) don't always have any idea what's going on for the other person so you have to tell him.

Could you both sit down and make a list of wants/needs and compromising on eg. 2 weeks a month out before 10am as a family, one planned by him, one planned by you?

Original poster
OopsyDaisy11 · 08/01/2023 23:23

@Keroppi he is a very hands on dad, really good with LO. Cannot fault him. I’m just a bit more slow I guess when it comes to getting ready.

I try to speak up for myself, I always have but never seem to be taken seriously. This year I’m trying to enforce more boundaries in all of my relationships.

I always have tried to coordinate and organise things, just how I’ve always been. I think a lot of it is childhood issues that I’ve taken into adulthood. Thank you x

OP posts:
Sandydune · 08/01/2023 23:24

@OopsyDaisy11 I’m sorry to hear about your Dad. You’ve had a tough time and no wonder you are exhausted and need rest.
You’re not at all unreasonable and it sounds like he just doesn’t have a clue how much this has taken a toll on you. If you can speak to his Mum (in a way that doesn’t overtly criticize him), she might be able to make him rethink. X

Original poster
OopsyDaisy11 · 08/01/2023 23:24

@UniversalTruth i agree, I think I’ve worded it wrong entirely. Sounds like a good idea. I think communication isn’t always its best with us. We do try! Definitely will talk to him about that. Thank you

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 08/01/2023 23:25

I was exhausted but I did it to make him happy and ensure he enjoyed his paternity.

^ this is martyrdom madness. That time is all about you being looked after so you can look after your newborn who needs you.

I think you are both guilty of jumping to conclusions and mind reading. I'd suggest always assuming the other person doesn't think the same about you and actually talk about your needs, hopes and expectations of each other. Then keep reviewing.