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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that I’m not responsible for the happiness of others at my expense?

48 replies

OopsyDaisy11 · 08/01/2023 22:22

My OH is a hardworking and faithful man - cannot fault him for that at all! He has always supported me and now our LO and often works longer hours to earn more. However, he is very needy when it comes to getting out the house and doing things.

When I gave birth to our LO, I made a real effort to get up and do things whilst he was on paternity leave. I had to stay in hospital for 2 nights but I was going out by day 6 for food/ coffee/ walks. I was exhausted but I did it to make him happy and ensure he enjoyed his paternity.

Looking back I realised I did too much too soon. I lost over a litre of blood during childbirth and had to have my placenta removed.

He never once said thanks to me for making the effort and when I brought this up he said he thought I would have wanted to go out. I said I did but I also did it because I knew if we stayed in he would have got moody.

On his last day of paternity leave he was moody at me because we didn’t go out. I was exhausted. I was so hurt that he was annoyed at me considering the circumstances.

He says that I “dilly dally” and don’t get ready quick enough on the weekends to get “up and out” and wants to be out of the house before 10. I’ve been unwell recently and found I have low vitamin D. Some days I just want to rest.

AIBU to think that I shouldn’t make someone else happy at my own expense?

OP posts:

Original poster

OopsyDaisy11 · 08/01/2023 23:25

@Sandydune thank you. I miss him terribly. I’m going to use suggestions by other posters and if that fails I’ll speak with MIL x

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/01/2023 23:31

Sounds absolutely horribly exhausting.

The paternity leave bit is horrendous- you’re supposed to be resting and bonding with the baby on mat leave and he’s supposed to be taking care of you both. Not “enjoying” his paternity leave and dragging you up and out.

The whole thing about having to be up and out like that on weekends makes me feel tired just thinking about too. Who wants to live like that? Ok sometimes if there’s a time sensitive place of be, but who wants a constant deadline?

Wombats67 · 08/01/2023 23:39

Thing is that if you had a difficult childhood, you might not see it as, well, let's use the word unreasonable but it is...

You're not a plaything.

Pallisers · 09/01/2023 00:18

Sometimes if I say I want a rest he will joke about saying I get one in the week cos I’m on Mat leave - he does this to banter me as he knows it winds me up lol. If I say I’m tired he says I shouldn’t go on my phone late at night (ironically what I’m doing now). I just think a lot at night and can’t always settle with my mind, so takes me a while to drift off..

This isn't nice. Or a joke. supportive husbands don't "banter" their wives who are rearing their babies. (actually most decent adults don't "banter" anyone) I think he is not nice at all. i also think you, OP, are thinking the same but you are finding it hard to realise that your husband who can be nice in some ways is quite awful in others.

mightymam · 09/01/2023 01:33

OopsyDaisy11 · 08/01/2023 23:15

@BabyOnBoard90 isn’t stuff like this is what mums net is for?

I only made it to see if I was being unreasonable or over reacting with my thoughts that I am not here to make others happy at my own expense..

Ignore this poster. They've just been on another thread gaslighting the distressed OP and telling them their experiences of racism were made up. Your partner sounds like a dick. Sorry. You need ti out your foot down and carve out some time for yourself beefier you collapse from exhaustion/servitude.

Olive19741205 · 09/01/2023 02:10

Sometimes if I say I want a rest he will joke about saying I get one in the week cos I’m on Mat leave - he does this to banter me as he knows it winds me up lol. If I say I’m tired he says I shouldn’t go on my phone late at night (ironically what I’m doing now). I just think a lot at night and can’t always settle with my mind, so takes me a while to drift off

Banter eh? So he deliberately upsets you and calls it banter. Ugh.

Olive19741205 · 09/01/2023 02:11

Oh and also, you sound as if you hang off his every word. He says jump...

verdantverdure · 09/01/2023 02:27

What can he take off your plate so that you can be ready to leave the house faster?

I have visions of you rushing round getting yourself and LO ready and straightening the house and him just standing in the hallway, keys in hand , sighing and tapping his foot.

Nine times out of ten when I have heard about this kind of situation if the man took the baby and hung out the wash/cleared up after breakfast the problem would be solved.

DontStopMeNow7 · 09/01/2023 05:35

The fundamental question here is what made you decide to make his paternity leave nice for him?

Usually in a relationship that wouldn’t be a thing. You would just automatically expect him to make it about the baby (and you). But you didn’t have that expectation. Why not?

I’m picking this up because of him criticising you for “dilly-dallying”. I had a partner like that once who said stuff like that because he was really into organising me. I got used to it not being okay to just chill and do whatever. We all have that right sometimes, especially with a new baby ffs!

I’d tell him to sod off, but that’s just me, and probably why I’m single.

Shoxfordian · 09/01/2023 05:51

What does he do to make life nice for you op? It sounds like you do all the compromising

SnitterBug · 09/01/2023 06:13

I'm going to get flamed but reading this thread and other relationship threads on MN has made me reach the conclusion that men are basically selfish.

Judgyjudgy · 09/01/2023 06:25

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/01/2023 22:53

Why does be need you to go out as well? Cant he take your child out somewhere in the morning then you all go out in the afternoon?

This is surely an example where some compromise can be reached. Though when you have had a difficult birth the one that should have been compromising is him

This is great. Then you get some alone time as well. Is this an option?

SilverGlitterBaubles · 09/01/2023 06:35

Is her older than you OP? Saying someone dilly dallys is like something a parent would say to a child and his approach to you in general seems to be like this. I think you need to reframe the relationship, you are a grown woman, now a mother and you need to remind him of this you are not some sulky teen to be bossed around.

SmokeyPaprika · 09/01/2023 06:46

Could either of you be on the autism/ adhd spectrum.
You can't get organised, he lacks empathy.
Perhaps look into this then also look at marriage counselling.
From what you say the problems seem reasonably easily solvable. But not if the traits are in built.

DogBowlsAreMyWeapon · 09/01/2023 06:49

I really don’t like the word “banter” - ESPECIALLY the way in which you’ve inserted it into the sentence… it’s imo modern-code for insulting a woman and then claiming she has “no sense of humour”.

Ok so he’s not out and out walloping you and BC (before children), I’m sure you were better able to tolerate his low-level abuse and manipulation - but the game has changed now and you’ve got a looooooong 18 years ahead of you playing bright and breezy Mary Poppins.

Agree with PP, men are basically selfish and at some point you need to choose between “that life” or throwing the towel in and choosing your children and being single (and tired but happy!).

gamerchick · 09/01/2023 06:59

Why does he want to go out so much? Those first days are for you to rest and recover from the birth. Wtf did you pander to it?

Tell him straight that you're stopping in when you want to and he can take his arsey mood elsewhere. Stand up for yourself.

FrogChorusSoprano · 09/01/2023 07:12

I'm an early riser, I realise other people aren't so I take myself out with the DCs so the other parent is allowed their time. Do I get resentful? Yes sometimes... then I give myself a good talking to and realise that we all have strengths and weaknesses. If I came back mid afternoon and the other person still wasn't awake I would be grumpy. But that doesn't sound like you, OP.
You obviously both had different ideas about what parenthood would look like. He sounds like one of these exhausting, 'must be achieving something at all times' sorts. Because the baby isn't getting much from going out of day trips at this age, they generally just want you. He sounds like he wants to show off being a new parent and is parading you both, to the detriment of your health!
Remember you never get your first maternity leave again. It's never the same with your second and you have so many years ahead of having to get you and DC's up and out for a certain time. I loved chilling at home with my dd, sleeping when she slept, watching all of breaking bad whilst pumping, doing nothing around the house. We were in a happy little loved up bubble, just the two of us.
Put your needs first and tell him how you feel!!

Lkydfju · 09/01/2023 07:13

Surely there’s a compromise where he can get up and go out early by himself or with your baby for a walk or coffee or to the gym or anything really. Certainly life is about compromise but it sounds like it’s all about him

ImBlueDab · 09/01/2023 07:28

So he knows it winds you up but continues to do it. That's not nice, caring behaviour op. That's being mean and dressing it up as banter.

SleeplessInEngland · 09/01/2023 07:33

SnitterBug · 09/01/2023 06:13

I'm going to get flamed but reading this thread and other relationship threads on MN has made me reach the conclusion that men are basically selfish.

Don’t be silly. That’s just confirmation bias - people not in relationship problems don’t make threads about it.

SmileWithADimple · 09/01/2023 07:50

I agree with the posters who say this is all about communication. Could you arrange a few sessions of couples counselling? IMO this is the perfect issue to address at counselling - improving communication is the key outcome from good counselling.

Janieread · 09/01/2023 07:52

BabyOnBoard90 · 08/01/2023 23:11

This is what happens you sensitise very trivial issues on a forum full of miserable strangers.

You'll now have users trying to convince you your DH is an abuser. Of course you know he's not, but you didn't make this thread so they can say anything nice about him.

It's not that serous

I agree.

You need to stand up for yourself a bit more. Let him get moody. People do get moody. Just say no, I'm staying in bed.

BarbaraofSeville · 09/01/2023 07:53

Who's holding/feeding/changing the baby and sorting out everything LO needs to leave the house?

If you're not ready because you're putting wipes and nappies in a bag, while at the same time trying to get yourself ready and soothing a crying baby while he stands in the hallway rattling his keys, then you know where the problem lies....

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