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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out about my father's death by mistake.

48 replies

Dodie6 · 08/01/2023 21:23

My father died last night. My daughter, up at 4pm feeding the baby, saw a post from my cousin, pic hugging her uncle, and all the accompanying, "RIP", "So sorry", "Condolences" , etc... DD texted me this morning, "Is Grandpa dead?" . I rang my brother, to be told that, indeed, our father was dead. My children and I have a close bond, and they've been great. I think my cold home family actually made me a better parent, so cheers. AIBU to feel greatly disappointed?

OP posts:
Stranrahh · 08/01/2023 21:24

Why did no one contact you?

I'm so sorry.

BobSacamono · 08/01/2023 21:26

Oh, I’m so sorry to read this OP. Cannot believe nobody contacted you.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/01/2023 21:27

It sounds like you weren’t close with your dad or family? That can make a situation like this even more confusing. You feel what you feel and nothing is wrong with that.

StaceySolomonSwash · 08/01/2023 21:28

So sorry for your loss. My family asked my ex to tell me when my Dad died. It hurts.
<sending positive thoughts>

Butchyrestingface · 08/01/2023 21:29

Was your brother INTENDING to tell you and your blabber fingers cousin jumped the gun?

Were you NC with your father?

It must have been a shock. Flowers

EVHead · 08/01/2023 21:29

Sorry to hear that. What a horrible way to find out.

blackpearwhitelilies · 08/01/2023 21:31

I’m so sorry. That’s a terrible way to find out.

BabyOnBoard90 · 08/01/2023 21:32

Sorry for your loss.

Disappointed that no one alerted you or?

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/01/2023 21:32

What a shock. Why didn’t your brother tell you?

Workinghardeveryday · 08/01/2023 21:34

I am so very very sorry for your loss. You should have been told. Terrible way to find out xxx

bloodywhitecat · 08/01/2023 21:36

Was it someone jumping the gun? We had the same situation when DH died, a person who was contacted then plastered it all over their FB page before we'd had a chance to let everyone know.

welshrabbits · 08/01/2023 21:38

This happened in my family where the girlfriend of one of my auntie's sons put it on Facebook and none of her siblings or anyone else had been told. It caused such a great amount of anguish.

I'm sorry about your father. Flowers

Clairedelaplume · 08/01/2023 21:46

My friend’s mum posted on fb about her brother dying when his own daughter didn’t know about it yet. She couldn’t understand how it might possibly have been unreasonable.

Clairedelaplume · 08/01/2023 21:48

In fact my sister in law used my dad’s sudden death as an opportunity to post content on her fb business page. Before many of my friends (also following her page) knew about it. People are selfish arseholes sometimes.

sorry for your loss OP.

catfunk · 08/01/2023 21:55

Sorry op that's shit. Why the fuck do people go straight on Fb with stuff like this ?! Have the decency to wait until nearest and dearest have been informed.

Misunderestimated · 08/01/2023 22:04

The most messed up family that I know, had an in-law call the deceased man's son the day after the funeral because "Dad wouldn't have wanted any awkwardness" at the service.
It marked a new low in their family dynamics which have since descended further into farce.

Flowersinspringgrowwild · 08/01/2023 22:04

This is another reason I am not on FB. Pure attention seeking, at what cost? Disgusting.

I am so sorry OP. Whether you were close or not, nobody should ever post stuff like this without being certain it is ok to do so. Unforgivable.

SerenaB12 · 08/01/2023 22:06

So sorry for your loss.x

DonutsAreNotLunch · 08/01/2023 22:08

My sister did this when my brother died. Put a post on Facebook before we had even managed to tell his son and many other family members. I was so so angry with her for it. I guess people just don’t think properly is hen they are in shock. (Although I’m my sisters case I’m sure it was attention seeking.)

TempyBrennan · 08/01/2023 22:10

Hate it when social media spreads a messages before it can be told verbally to those that should know.

were you NC? Was he planning on telling you?

sorry for your loss, I’m NC with my dad but I would still be feeling the feelings!

OnedayIwillfeelfree · 08/01/2023 22:14

I’m so sorry you had to find out this way. Sorry for your loss.

TrickorTreacle · 08/01/2023 22:14

I think it's disgusting that you found out on FB before anywhere else that own Dad has passed. The purpose of FB is to inform the wider circle of family and friends, and only AFTER contact has been made between the close family members either by phone or in person.

It is disgusting.

So sorry for the loss @Dodie6

AdoraBell · 08/01/2023 22:20

Sorry for your loss 💐

theremustonlybeone · 08/01/2023 22:20

well i can only assume you were NC.

My auntie was NC with her father for over 25yrs. She found out he died when someone sent her a message offering her condolences. She wasnt upset but attended the funeral for closure and enjoyed seeing wider family. Its a strange situation and I know when my father died I had mixed emotions as I hadnt seen him for many years either.

NCGrandParent · 08/01/2023 22:24

It sounds like there could be many layers of hurt and grief to deal with in this situation @Dodie6 . What things help you feel nurtured and cared for? Either things you can do for yourself or that you can ask others to do for you.