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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my partner having an affair on a swingers site?

49 replies

Justbrowsing100 · 08/01/2023 14:16

For a number of year now, sex has almost been non existent and when it does happen, it doesn’t feel as passionate as it did at the start. We have spoken about this many of times, but it still slips backwards and ends up back at square one.

A year or so back, I noticed a well known swinging site appear in a search, which at the time I put down to my DS experimenting. However, since then I joined to see if there was anything more, and have actually come across a profile which matches all their characteristics. There is a profile photo of the person in the bath with no face, but this looks very similar to our bathroom and bath, and also is very similar to the photos the would take.

A few months back they were online, I went into the room where they were and they quickly hid their phone. I left the room and notice that they were offline, but came back on within a few minutes. I repeated this twice, and exactly the same thing happened. That week I approached the subject of an affair, and they haven’t been online since. They obviously denied having an affair.

They have a few friends on the profile, so wondering if I should message them discreetly to get some info on the person, and to put my mind at ease?

It’s all very strange and seems more than a coincidence to me. What would you do?

OP posts:
Nowthatlovehasperished · 08/01/2023 14:18

Use a fake profile and approach directly and arrange a meet up a la Kate Bush Baboushka.

Nowthatlovehasperished · 08/01/2023 14:19

He is having an affair obviously, sorry Op. I know how much this hurts. You need to get real evidence before he lies and gaslights.

BabyOnBoard90 · 08/01/2023 14:23

However, since then I joined to see if there was anything more

Sure, just out of curiosity eh? 😉

Housefullofcatsandkids · 08/01/2023 14:24

It does seem like too much of a coincidence really but to be sure you'd either have to talk to the person on the profile and get proof it was your partner or confront your partner with the details you have and see what they say. Either way it doesn't seem like things are good between you at the moment and if you want the relationship to work that's something you'll have to confront anyway. If you carry on as you are, constantly checking this profile and checking on your partner, it won't be good for you

hoppityscotch · 08/01/2023 14:24

Is it your bathroom or "similar"

HadEnoughOfBears · 08/01/2023 14:25

Nowthatlovehasperished · 08/01/2023 14:19

He is having an affair obviously, sorry Op. I know how much this hurts. You need to get real evidence before he lies and gaslights.

Is it a he?

Notimeforaname · 08/01/2023 14:26

If he/she is not cheating on you as of yet, theyr trying to.
Just end it , they cant be trusted.

MaireadMcSweeney · 08/01/2023 14:27

If your partner is a man chances are he's not having an affair because it's almost impossible for single men to get a bite on fab, he's probably using it to perv on amateur photos and videos that people post. It's more ethical than porn. Not that it's an excuse for being on the site without your Knowledge.

Justbrowsing100 · 08/01/2023 15:51

That is what I’m trying to do before they delete their account. It’s still active at the moment and has a few friends on there. I’m sure someone will give something away

OP posts:
Justbrowsing100 · 08/01/2023 15:52

Notimeforaname · 08/01/2023 14:26

If he/she is not cheating on you as of yet, theyr trying to.
Just end it , they cant be trusted.

Seriously considering it

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 08/01/2023 16:02

Create a fake profile with some fake photo and contact him. Engage into messaging exchange, ask him if he’s single and his sexual preferences. That’s what I did with an ex and he completely fell for it. To this day he didn’t know it was me 🤣

JudgeRudy · 08/01/2023 16:34

It does sound fishy OP but surely you'd know for sure if it was your bathroom rather than it looking similar. Of course it's possible he's using this site as some sort of sexual relief but not meeting up with anyone. Single men aren't so readily accepted into this world so he may not have got a 'bite'.
If he's cheated I'd be inclined to walk away from the relationship but in the meantime consider, is it worth saving? You've both tried to renew the intimacy and it's not working. Could you tolerate an open marriage?

Lochjeda · 08/01/2023 16:36

I'm sorry how would you not know for sure if it was your partners body and your bathroom.

Justbrowsing100 · 08/01/2023 16:42

JudgeRudy · 08/01/2023 16:34

It does sound fishy OP but surely you'd know for sure if it was your bathroom rather than it looking similar. Of course it's possible he's using this site as some sort of sexual relief but not meeting up with anyone. Single men aren't so readily accepted into this world so he may not have got a 'bite'.
If he's cheated I'd be inclined to walk away from the relationship but in the meantime consider, is it worth saving? You've both tried to renew the intimacy and it's not working. Could you tolerate an open marriage?

The photo is of their legs in a bath full of bubbles, which I’m sure I have seen the exact photo at some point. You can’t see the full bathroom, but the photo distorts when zooming in, so can’t be 100% sure.

OP posts:
Justbrowsing100 · 08/01/2023 16:44

Sandra1984 · 08/01/2023 16:02

Create a fake profile with some fake photo and contact him. Engage into messaging exchange, ask him if he’s single and his sexual preferences. That’s what I did with an ex and he completely fell for it. To this day he didn’t know it was me 🤣

Great idea, but I do think they know that I am on to them. There’s was too many coincidences and red flags for me to ignore

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 08/01/2023 16:47

It's possible they're just on there for a bit of online entertainment- I'm afraid I've done this. But tbh sounds like it might be over anyway.

Sandra1984 · 08/01/2023 16:47

Justbrowsing100 · 08/01/2023 16:44

Great idea, but I do think they know that I am on to them. There’s was too many coincidences and red flags for me to ignore

Nah, get some fake photos and create a profile with a totally different persona in a different location. He won’t have a clue because men think with their penis when cruising on sex websites.

Propagandalf · 08/01/2023 18:15

Copy your partner's swinging account (photos, bio, description etc) and make up new profiles on regular dating sites such as Match.com, Okcupid, Plenty of Fish, etc. If you have access to his emails on one of the computers in his house, sign up using his address on the sites. Then for sexual preference, use one that doesn't match your partner's, so if he's straight, put him down as gay or vice versea. So he'll then get messages from people that he isn't interested in. See how long this goes on for before the penny drops.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/01/2023 19:08

If it’s Fabswingers then does it have any verifications on show?

Justbrowsing100 · 08/01/2023 19:10

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/01/2023 19:08

If it’s Fabswingers then does it have any verifications on show?

It is and they have a meet verification. That’s why I’m thinking to message all the friends to find out if they have any info. I could even share a face photo, to see if they have shared one

OP posts:
Justbrowsing100 · 08/01/2023 19:11

Sandra1984 · 08/01/2023 16:47

Nah, get some fake photos and create a profile with a totally different persona in a different location. He won’t have a clue because men think with their penis when cruising on sex websites.

Worth a shot I suppose 😁

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/01/2023 19:16

The friends are unlikely to reply imo.
They’ve no way of knowing who you are and just won’t get involved

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/01/2023 19:16

If he’s suspicious you’re onto him then a random woman messaging him will make him suss.

ive sent you a PM

Icecreamandapplepie · 08/01/2023 19:25

Why they and not he or she?

AspiringMermaid · 08/01/2023 19:36

I am the only one that thinks creating fake profiles and trying to catch them out is really bad idea?? Like what are you going to gain from that? If you would leave them for messaging strangers online wouldn't it better to start that conversation now? Try to start a brutally honest dialogue about your relationship, be open and vulnerable and hope they open up to you. .. Conversations I've had with my DH about our sex life and wanting sex with others were fucking awkward and difficult, but have brought us much closer together