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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend not spoken to daughter for over 10 years and fallen out with me

30 replies

Abigail69 · 08/01/2023 13:24

Hello
A work friend that I often, ie a few times a month exchange long emails with as she still works and I left. The other week I slipped in the word "backward thinking." She took it personally and said I was rude. In hindsight, I should have not said it

The backstory, their daughter married someone from another religion and my friend, her DH and some of their siblings/family etc send the daughter to Coventry and not invited her to weddings/birthdays etc etc all because the religion is different

The daughter and her DH are very nice, hard-working, very sensible people with their own property and now have two kids.

My friend is a bit of a bigot as when I worked she often banged on about her religion made here do this, that and the other and stopped her doning not so nice things as she was from ??? religion. I put up with it and I'm not of the same background as we had good banter but should have challenged her. I did once say that religion was not important as her daughter was about to marry and what was important they got on and were decent people all round. However, I was rebuked by fried saying that I did not understand religion and we left it at that as I was trying to help a friend that was feeling down

Re the comments I made, I will say sorry but after that would it be reasonable if I just stopped talking to my ex work mate via email and gradually she will get the message as I should not be giving people like her the time of the day. Would that be reasonable? (If I was to see the friend, I am always polite and never ignore people but the convo would be quick, very quick as I'd make my excuses and be off and any invites etc were she will be present, just a hi and bye will do.

IMO and that of my family, DH, we want our kids, grandkids to amrry etc from same background but more important than that is they get on, do well and are nice people that are not workshy etc etc and that IMO is much, much more than religion. I get it the initial upset for many people but to carry on for years, ver sad.

Am I being reasonable by doing the above?

OP posts:
litlealligator · 08/01/2023 13:36

You don't owe this woman your friendship. She doesn't sound like a very nice person. That's enough of a reason for you to stop being friends with her.

Original poster
Abigail69 · 08/01/2023 16:36

Thank you.
I've been thinking and my plan is not to repsond to her emails within hours but delay and keep it very short as usally my/our emails were long. I think she will get the picture.

So sad when you put religion ahead of your children's happiness.

OP posts:
AmazonsFuckedUpFreeMusicFeature · 08/01/2023 16:48

I wouldn't even bkther with phasing out. I would just send an email that you feel your opinions are now even further away than before and sorry, but I don't want to continue this. Something like that but better

ChaToilLeam · 08/01/2023 16:51

She sounds horrible so no great loss.

Squeezita · 08/01/2023 17:20

That’s terrible. She will wake up and one day and realise she lost on her child and grandkids due to her own stupidity.

I am from a very religious family, but I can’t imagine anyone in my family behaving this way, we have welcomed whoever joins the family, regardless of their religion.

Silverpining · 08/01/2023 17:23

YABU for continuing to be friends with a bigot

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/01/2023 17:24

Just don't reply and don't contact her anymore. She sounds unpleasant and you would be better off investing your time in other friends and family.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/01/2023 17:25

She sounds like a horrible person tbh. I couldn't be friends with someone who places religion over their own child.

MatildaTheCat · 08/01/2023 17:28

I wouldn’t apologise but would say something along the lines of, clearly we do hold some quite different views and they can come across awkwardly in written messages. Then I’d do as you say and respond slowly and shortly to further emails.

Its all very well people saying just ghost her but firstly that’s unkind ( we don’t know her backstory- some religions are incredibly strict) and secondly you are liable to meet her again at some point.

StillWeRise · 08/01/2023 17:28

I think as you seem to have decided to distance yourself from this friend there's nothing to be lost in being explicit (in a polite and kind way) about why
eg
I am really sorry I upset you by using the term 'backward'
However it seems such a shame that you have cut your DD and her lovely family our of your life. I appreciate you are sad she is no longer a pratcising XXX (or whatever) but surely religions teach us to love and respect each other regardless of what god we worship?
I would hate to lose our friendship but if my views on this upset you perhaps it's best we part ways

Consufed · 08/01/2023 17:28

Did she think you meant 'backward' as in 'low intelligence' when you actually meant 'outdated'?

MatildaTheCat · 08/01/2023 17:31

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/01/2023 17:25

She sounds like a horrible person tbh. I couldn't be friends with someone who places religion over their own child.

I knew someone from the Plymouth Brethren who was completely cancelled by his whole family for moving towards a more normal lifestyle ( think buying CDs or going to music venues). His mother did, eventually make some amends but was so very conflicted by the constraints of the world she lived in which was very, very patriarchal.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 08/01/2023 17:34

Why do you want your kids to marry people from the same background? This isnt something that most of the people I know cafe about. You're both prejudiced (hence why you maintained this friendship with someone who behaves so badly), you just seem to annoyed because your friend is more bigoted than you are and has now directed it at you.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 08/01/2023 17:35

^ care about, not cafe!

bananaboats · 08/01/2023 17:40

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone with those kind of views so I wouldn't bother contacting them again at all.

Merryoldgoat · 08/01/2023 17:43

Silverpining · 08/01/2023 17:23

YABU for continuing to be friends with a bigot

This is basically the crux of the matter - you can’t expect a bigot not to be bigoted.

Cornishclio · 08/01/2023 18:09

I wouldn't apologise or even respond or if you do just a few lines. As you say she sounds very bigoted. Religion is not an excuse to treat someone badly let alone her own daughter and grandchildren. It is not even backward thinking. She is being racist.

AmazonsFuckedUpFreeMusicFeature · 08/01/2023 18:22

AreOttersJustWetCats · 08/01/2023 17:34

Why do you want your kids to marry people from the same background? This isnt something that most of the people I know cafe about. You're both prejudiced (hence why you maintained this friendship with someone who behaves so badly), you just seem to annoyed because your friend is more bigoted than you are and has now directed it at you.

You know what I missed that point somehow! I thought that was what h and family said about the other for whatever reason.

You are not wrong there

AmazonsFuckedUpFreeMusicFeature · 08/01/2023 18:24

Cornishclio · 08/01/2023 18:09

I wouldn't apologise or even respond or if you do just a few lines. As you say she sounds very bigoted. Religion is not an excuse to treat someone badly let alone her own daughter and grandchildren. It is not even backward thinking. She is being racist.

Not necessarily racist, we don't knwo their races, but...
What is actually religious equivalent to racism? Is there a word?

AmazonsFuckedUpFreeMusicFeature · 08/01/2023 18:26

Ffs. A bigot. That was a brain fart

Cornishclio · 08/01/2023 18:29

AmazonsFuckedUpFreeMusicFeature · 08/01/2023 18:26

Ffs. A bigot. That was a brain fart

Yes I wasn't sure either whether racist or bigot was the right word. Neither is ok.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 08/01/2023 18:32

Some religions are much more about following the rules exactly - the idea that it is the thought that counts, or that religion is not that important is actually quite narrow minded in itself. I dont condone your friends behaviour or share her values, and you have the right to speak to anyone or not as you please but think you should be clear with her that you cant accept her values.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/01/2023 18:39

Why would you even want to be friends with this arsehole? She's just a bitch hiding behind her "religion." The mind boggles as to why you would have a place for her in your life.

Original poster
Abigail69 · 08/01/2023 22:45

Thanks all
Many asked why I was , want to be friends with that type of nut. The thing is these types dont come straight out with and often relate to your way of thinking and slowly test the waters I guess.

She also said to me once, "you never seem to talk about your religion," i was a bit taken aback but said something like "i am not that religious." That should have been a warning. Then there has been cowardice on my part when she has said several times, "my religion has taught me,,.. to do this...not to do that...make me a better person" and so on. She was laso staggered to learn when slagging off another work friend re her religion and the stereotypical comments associated with that one and was shocked when I said I'd go to their place of worship if we were out together and she had to pop in i would.

Writing this thread has helped me decide to steer clear of this stupid idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abigail69 · 08/01/2023 22:46

Consufed · 08/01/2023 17:28

Did she think you meant 'backward' as in 'low intelligence' when you actually meant 'outdated'?

Both I guess as none of the two meets her warped superiority complex I guess.

OP posts: