To not speak to this old friend

[OwwwMuuuum]

Old, old friendship group, held
together these days by sporadic group chat messages. Whole group hasn’t met up since pre-covid, splinter groups have met up since. Men and women all in middle age, some with and some without DCs.

One friend (let’s call her Angela) has always been on the awkward side, as a person. Quite snarky, “shy”, never warm or kind. I liked her for other reasons when we were younger, we fancied the same pop stars and had similar dress sense. Obviously none of that still bonds us now we are 40. Her parenting style, her views, everything is just awkward and irritating to me. She removed herself from the group chat a year ago by not responding to anything. You could see by read receipts that she was still reading everything and every now and again she would interject with a damning or snarky comment but we all just left her to it as she was going through treatment for a bad illness and we put it down to that.

I started to find it really uncomfortable that she was snooping on the group chat but never participating unless to say something unkind. I contacted her 5 months ago to ask why the long silence. She said “I am stepping back from things that feel hurtful” by which I presume she meant me. I left her to her own devices at that point as I thought she was being completely ridiculous.

Since then she’s recently swanned back into the group chat, starts making full posts. No apology, no explanation, just as if her months of silence and her blaming me didn’t happen. She’s also met up with my two closets friends in the group over Xmas, I’m not geographically close but this was obviously all arranged off the main group chat so I had no idea. She’s the kind of person that always silently gets their way.

Getting to the point, my issue is that I really don’t like Angela any more. I don’t want her in my life. I don’t want to see her again. I don’t want to share info about my life on the group chat for her to potentially snark about. But I do want to stay friends with the others and for that reason I don’t want to flounce off the group chat.

What should I do?

YABU - carry on with the group chat as normal and just pass over Angela’s mystery absence like nothing has happened
YANBU - leave the group chat and start a breakaway group chat that doesn’t involve Angela

The only person you'll hurt if you try to start another group without Angela is you. There's a good chance people won't join you.

Do the mature thing. Don't go out of your way to interact with her. Be polite. Act like she's a distant acquaintance.

The thing about people who behave the way she has is that they never have issues once or with just one person. She is who she is and I predict she'll end up cutting other people off over something silly in the future. It may not happen tomorrow or even this year, but it will happen. Don't let her control your own behaviour.

I don't know what to vote but I couldn't be bothered with all the drama tbh.

@Antst 's answer is better than mine.

Too much drama there

Don't leave the group, don't share any information about your life you don't want her to know.

@CaptainMyCaptain, you said it more succinctly! And mine is based on bitter experience! Don't make the same mistakes I've made, people.

Yes but then isn’t it sad I would never get to share anything meaningful on the group chat, so in a way, what’s the point of being on it at all.

E.g I recent went to a gig of a band we loved in High school, another member of the chat was going to see them the following night in a different city. The only comment Angela had to make was a bitchy question.

You’re making a lot of assumptions about her. Have you actually asked her if she’s ok? Given support?

anyway, yes, too much drama.

It sounds awful. But I did care how she was, I did attend to her illness, all I got for it was an accusation of being “hurtful” and absolutely no friendship back the other way. So now no, I don’t care how she is or what’s she’s up to.

You don’t know her comment was even aimed at you - to be honest it seems like it might not have been.

After reading that (in which Angela doesn't seem to have done too much wrong), it's really hard to believe you're 40.

Just leave things as they are and don't embarrass yourself.

If you don't want to share anything personal in the chat then don't. You don't have to.

You're not coming across very well yourself here, OP. Angela has had health problems, which is a fair reason to be absent from a group. Your comments about her are uniformly unkind. I would suggest minimising your interactions with her other than being polite, but also examining why you seem to have such a grudge against her.

She didn't say that you were hurtful. I think you're over thinking what she said. Sounds like she had a valid reason to step back for a while.

And you can't 'snoop' on a group you're a member of 🙄

You are being a drama queen OP. Just leave things as they are and stop taking everything so personally.

When you say you "left her to it" during her bad illness, what do you mean? Did you reach out to her separately and see how she was recovering? Our did you ignore her? Maybe that's why she feels hurt.

It could be that I have an inappropriate grudge. Like I say, the others all seem to find her perfectly fine. Yes she was ill and I gave her tons of leeway for that - didn’t react when she said hurtful things about my husband and my life choices for example - but enough is enough. She’s perfectly fine now by the way and has been for months.

What do you mean by sharing ‘meaningful’ things? Would this not be better to do face to face?

If you’re reading and not responding for months, I see that as snooping.

Face to face is impossible, the nearest group members are a 2.5h drive away, others live overseas.

Give them a call! I’d find it a bit tedious if people were oversharing in a WhatsApp group.

Being in a WhatsApp group and not responding isn’t snooping!!!

At the time she was diagnosed I asked her what she needed and she said just to carry on as normal, specifically not to make a fuss, so I sent her flowers and little gifts through her illness and dropped her the odd message to ask her how she was.

I’m not sure why you assumed her comment was about you, when she was talking about her silence in the group chat?
Also you mention she has been having treatment for a medical issue - perhaps that’s what she found hurtful, that maybe her old friends have just left her to it and not supported her through a difficult time? Her comment is clear, there is something she found hurtful. Have you asked her what was hurtful? Does she have a point?

Ultimately you don’t see her, don’t have to like her but if you start a group without her it will likely backfire on you. Cultivate meet ups with those old friends you do like, like Angela has.

Starting a WhatsApp group without her is very mean and will only backfire on you as the others like her.

I think you just need to ignore her as it’s obvious you don’t like her, I can sort of see why she wanted to step back from you.

I presume she meant me

I don't get why you think she meant you.

No need to be friends with her but stay in the main group and ignore her. If you set up another group you force everyone to take sides and you become the drama llama

How do you know her comment about things that are ‘hurtful’ was about you? Are you perhaps looking for slights when there are none? What was her ‘bitchy question’ about the gig?

Her reading whilst staying silent during illness could have been her way of keeping in touch with a group of friends during what was probably a difficult time.