To not speak to this old friend

[OwwwMuuuum]

Old, old friendship group, held
together these days by sporadic group chat messages. Whole group hasn’t met up since pre-covid, splinter groups have met up since. Men and women all in middle age, some with and some without DCs.

One friend (let’s call her Angela) has always been on the awkward side, as a person. Quite snarky, “shy”, never warm or kind. I liked her for other reasons when we were younger, we fancied the same pop stars and had similar dress sense. Obviously none of that still bonds us now we are 40. Her parenting style, her views, everything is just awkward and irritating to me. She removed herself from the group chat a year ago by not responding to anything. You could see by read receipts that she was still reading everything and every now and again she would interject with a damning or snarky comment but we all just left her to it as she was going through treatment for a bad illness and we put it down to that.

I started to find it really uncomfortable that she was snooping on the group chat but never participating unless to say something unkind. I contacted her 5 months ago to ask why the long silence. She said “I am stepping back from things that feel hurtful” by which I presume she meant me. I left her to her own devices at that point as I thought she was being completely ridiculous.

Since then she’s recently swanned back into the group chat, starts making full posts. No apology, no explanation, just as if her months of silence and her blaming me didn’t happen. She’s also met up with my two closets friends in the group over Xmas, I’m not geographically close but this was obviously all arranged off the main group chat so I had no idea. She’s the kind of person that always silently gets their way.

Getting to the point, my issue is that I really don’t like Angela any more. I don’t want her in my life. I don’t want to see her again. I don’t want to share info about my life on the group chat for her to potentially snark about. But I do want to stay friends with the others and for that reason I don’t want to flounce off the group chat.

What should I do?

YABU - carry on with the group chat as normal and just pass over Angela’s mystery absence like nothing has happened
YANBU - leave the group chat and start a breakaway group chat that doesn’t involve Angela

She said “I am stepping back from things that feel hurtful” by which I presume she meant me. I left her to her own devices at that point as I thought she was being completely ridiculous.

Which part of this makes you think this is about you? Could it be that whilst she was undergoing treatment it seemed that no-one really cared and was just carrying on with their jolly little group chat?

You clearly don't like Angela. She's 'snooping', she's 'scanned back in' she gave no explanation....you've said everything about her is awkward and irritating...yet here she is presumably in better health, meeting up with people and joining in without issue.

I’m appreciative of your comments. Maybe I am being heartless and the fact she had the big c means I need to forgive all. (She made no moves to support me through my DH’s cancer or my dad’s long illness, but hey)

I'm sure she won't give a shit whether you 'forgive all' or not.

She's meeting with her actual friends and that'll be all that matters to her, I'm sure.

She said “I am stepping back from things that feel hurtful” by which I presume she meant me.

Why have you presumed this is about you? You’ve said she was being treated for a disease. Maybe she was ill and depressed and it wasn’t actually anything to do with you? Just be the bigger person. I think this is all your issue, not hers.

You sound incredibly self absorbed. Any decent friend when she said she was stepping back from things she found hurtful would have enquired further. You made it all about you. Now you don’t like her and want her out. Again so it’s all about you.

it’s so horrible , do you not feel ashamed?

I once went to a party and didn't interact much. Was I spying?
She wasn't snooping. You're confusing your feelings with facts.

What does she need to be forgiven for?

I'm totally lost.

Are you going to respond to anyone asking why you think that comment was about you?

I just read all your posts, OP. Yeah, you’re not coming off well.

Suggest you look up the meaning of snooping. You seem confused.

Sorry OP I'm with the majority,

It all seemed to start from when she went silent on the group for a long period which made you 'feel really uncomfortable'. She was dealing with cancer! What did you want her to say?

I don't see how her comments were about you and it sounds like you didn't probe further to ask what she meant that was hurtful. You just assumed it was about you and then left her to it.

What were the snarky comments? What's snarky to one is normal chat to another. Plus now I'm wondering if you've misunderstood those comments too.

Also it's definitely not snooping to read but not comment on group chats.

Don't make a new group, with everyone minus her. That's something childish I'd call out my 14 DD for doing. It also makes you look like a bitch.

Hard to make a full judgement without more detail, but you sound somewhat U. The particular remark that you quote doesn't sound as though it was necessarily aimed at you. It could have been about someone else; or she may just have found it upsetting to be involved in discussions about activities in which she couldn't participate for health reasons. You mention other snarky remarks, but since you don't say what they were, it is hard to judge,

In any case, it would be foolish, and look petty and spiteful, to try to start a new group without her. And surely one doesn't usually share deeply personal matters in a group chat in any case?- you would discuss these with your closest friends from the group in personal pms/e-mails/texts if you are living too far away to see them in person. If it's just snarky comments on chosen activities (e.g. you're talking about favourite TV programmes and she says something like 'TV is all rubbish and I don't waste my time on it'), then it's annoying for sure, but best ignored.

And if she's an official member of the group, then it's hardly snooping for her to read without commenting. Snooping would be if she got access to what was said in the group, without being a member. No one is obliged to comment in such groups. And she may have been silent for a while due first to her health, and then perhaps having to catch up with various matters on which she'd gotten behind due to her illness.

the fact she had the big c means I need to forgive all.

Honestly OP you haven't actually listed anything she's done that you need to forgive. If anything yousound like an incrdibl unsupportive friend who berated someone for not posting on a quiet group chat while she was going through cancer - surely she should need to forgive you not the yher way around,

It sounds like you have an irrational dislike for someone who is barely part of your life anyway.

She's not banging down your door with invitations and messages so there's no problem at all. Two people who were once part of the same social circle no longer like each other. You're not 13 (I'm assuming) you can dislike someone without creating any kind of drama about it. Just don't see her and mind your own business when your other friends do decide to see her.

Are you jealous she went out with your friends and you weren’t invited? Is that the real issue, they went out without you and you didn’t know? And you’re blaming Angela?

I can’t even believe I’m writing that to someone in their 40s. It’s what you’d ask a 12 year old. But is that your issue?

how exactly is Angela silently getting her way as she went out with two friends?

and they might be your closest friends, but clearly you’re not theirs as you didn’t even know.

id look inwards op

When you read the OP back, knowing the woman had cancer before 'swanning back' into the group, it's obvious the OP is as jealous as hell.

God can you imagine being a jealous 40 year old and acting like you’re at school

you couldn’t make that shit up

You're making a lot of assumptions about her thoughts and motives which might not be correct. Anyway, it's clear you don't like her. The sensible thing is just to continue on the same group, post whatever you want but don't engage with her directly. Don't respond to her posts and if she makes any negative comments to you just ignore them and leave them for everyone else to see.

I think I have a touch of the “Angela’s” sometimes- by that I mean I can be snarky when it’s really because I’m feeling low and just craving some attention. Maybe try a fresh start with her and be supportive. See how it goes.

This is going to be one of those "OP has privacy concerns so we have agreed to remove the thread".

I'm kind of surprised it hasn't happened yet.

She said “I am stepping back from things that feel hurtful” by which I presume she meant me.

Why would you assume her comment was about YOU when there are others in the group too?

As for her meeting up with close friends in the group without you, it's as plain as day on here that you don't like the woman, so is probably quite plain to her too. Sounds like she's making the sensible choice to only meet up with people who like her/who she likes.

Honestly you sound incredibly petty.

nowhere in your OP do you actually indicate what Angela has done to cause you such offence?

is all this drama genuinely based on you assuming that Angela’s silence/stepping back from the group chat during/after her illness is a direct response to her disliking you and specifically finding you hurtful? If so what have you based that assumption on @OwwwMuuuum ? I’m genuinely confused as to why you’d assume that.

Forgive what? For all I know, maybe she's done some awful things, but you don't specify anything particularly bad.

And you don't need to 'make moves to support her' or the other way round (in fact I prefer not to have such 'support' from people who don't know me well); but you also should not blame her for things like taking time out of contributing to a group chat at a time when she was ill.

Sounds all very childish.

What was her bitchy question about the gig? Are you sure it was bitchy?