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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my mum to want to spend time with me?

45 replies

Belowhuns · 08/01/2023 10:31

My mum and I are quite close. We get on well and live a 15 minute walk from one another. I have a child free day off on my own this week and as she doesn’t work, I asked if she fancied going for some lunch. She said no as my stepdad is off work and they might decide to do something together. This happens constantly. We do a yearly big shopping trip near Christmas and it’s always difficult to decide the date because we need a day I am off work and my stepdad is at work. They’ve been married for 2 years now and this drives me insane. There is no expectation in my own relationship that if we’re both free, we mustn’t make plans with anyone else so it's a weird one to get my head around. Sometimes I'll feel one day when my mum isn't around anymore and that while she is around, I want to show how much I love and value her. Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit miffed?

OP posts:

HidingFromDD · 08/01/2023 10:40

How long have your mum and stepdad been together? I suspect it’s not that she doesn’t want to spend time with you, but that she also wants to spend time with her partner and is juggling both atm. I said yabu but it’s probably more nuanced than that. If she’s always prioritising partner then yanbu, if she’s perhaps not as available as you’re used to then it’s a case of resetting your expectations. I’m in the position of your mum but without a partner. I love spending time with my children but there is sometimes an expectation that if I’ve not told them I’m doing something specific they just assume they can book my time up at short notice.

maybe have a chat with your mum, explain that you’d like to spend more time together and ask her how you can do that in a way that works for her as well x

GeneticallyModifiedGrump · 08/01/2023 10:50

But she already does have something planned...with your step dad. It may not very a firm plan but they have decided to do something together on his day off.
I am sure she is aware how much you love and value her, a lunch out doesn't mean you love her more.
Perhaps she is enjoying her 'child free' years spending time doing whatever she wants to do, I assume as you live so close to each other you spend a fair amount of time with her?

Original poster

Belowhuns · 08/01/2023 10:59

They've been together for about 3 years now.

They go on about 5 holidays a year together and spend all of his days off together (he has younger children he does not see - that's a whole other bonkers story).

When they have plans, it's absolutely fair enough. But I feel that his days off are permanently a no go for she and I to make plans together. I feel that this is a shame but maybe I just need to get used to only being an option when nothing better is available.

OP posts:

OwwwMuuuum · 08/01/2023 11:02

This is so so weird, you’re an adult. Get a life, your mum obviously has. Time to cut the apron strings!

Eastereggsboxedupready · 08/01/2023 11:03

Is her dh possessive? My exh was a twat if I tried seeing friends...

LolaSmiles · 08/01/2023 11:04

Keeping his days off sacred is a weird concept to me because it feels like he's on a pedestal and everything else in her life revolves around him and has to fall in line around him.

Just because he doesn't see his own kids doesn't mean she should stop seeing hers.

I've probably been on MN too long, but I'd have a niggling worry he might be trying to isolate her from her family and would probably keep an eye for other red flags developing over time.

GiltEdges · 08/01/2023 11:07

LolaSmiles · 08/01/2023 11:04

Keeping his days off sacred is a weird concept to me because it feels like he's on a pedestal and everything else in her life revolves around him and has to fall in line around him.

Just because he doesn't see his own kids doesn't mean she should stop seeing hers.

I've probably been on MN too long, but I'd have a niggling worry he might be trying to isolate her from her family and would probably keep an eye for other red flags developing over time.

🙄 bit of a jump. OP’s mum is still fairly newly married, so is clearly still in the honeymoon phase of her relationship. Given that OP’s stepdad still works and her mum doesn’t, it makes sense that if he has a rare mid week day off then they might want to spend that day together.

DrManhattan · 08/01/2023 11:09

Some people do make all their plans around their partners availability. Seems strange to me.

crossstitchingnana · 08/01/2023 11:09

I'm with you OP. I assume your mum and partner have other days off together in a week?

I have a friend like this, if her dh is off then she won't make plans-feels a little controlling to me. She says "he likes us to be together", gives me the willies.

crossstitchingnana · 08/01/2023 11:10

Have you talked to her?

Original poster

Belowhuns · 08/01/2023 11:11

We have a close friendship as well as her being my mum which I think is quite clear - it's not that I need her to look after me, I just like spending time with her. I like to maintain good relationships with my family.

Him being posessive - it's possible. They seem absolutely obsessed with each other though I sometimes think she puts more importance into romantic relationships above all else. Sometimes when we've spent time together, she just presumes my DP is at work and has been surprised when I've said 'no he's at home today.'

Thanks @LolaSmiles I am trying to just accept it but it's good to know I'm not completely mad.

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 08/01/2023 11:16

🙄 bit of a jump. OP’s mum is still fairly newly married, so is clearly still in the honeymoon phase of her relationship.

Given that OP’s stepdad still works and her mum doesn’t, it makes sense that if he has a rare mid week day off then they might want to spend that day together

Before being on here and largely experiencing positive relationships with friends, I'd have said it's a jump.

But two years married as a grown adult with adult children is not newly married honeymoon stage where placing your spouse on a pedestal is healthy.

OP's mum doesn't work and is putting off seeing her own children based on whether her husband is off work. It doesn't mean something untoward is going on, but I'd definitely be keeping an eye.

Some people do make all their plans around their partners availability. Seems strange to me.
Seems strange to me too and unhealthy.

CovertImage · 08/01/2023 11:17

This is so so weird, you’re an adult. Get a life, your mum obviously has. Time to cut the apron strings!

Wanting to have a rare lunch out with your mother is so clingy isn't it? - FFS! Stupid

shewolfsout · 08/01/2023 11:20

Do you have many friends of your own? It sounds like she doesn't have as much time to spend with you as you do with her and, whether you agree with her reasons for that or not, that leaves an opening to spend some time with somebody else. With your own DP or your friends, or maybe a cousin or sibling? Or go to the gym or find a hobby to do? It sounds like she does make time for you as well, how often do you meet up? Could it be that you unrealistic expectations of the time you spend together and so always feel these fall short? What is your mum offering you time wise? Would it be a fair amount if she was working, volunteering or had a busy social calendar? Just because she is working doesn't mean she has to be constantly available. That can seem very hurtful, but it is likely just a difference in expectations if she is in other ways close, loving and a big part of your life.

Funkyslippers · 08/01/2023 11:20

Do they get a day together at weekends?

VyeBrator · 08/01/2023 11:23

I think it's quite sweet really.

Is it really that difficult to book a day off that's not the same as your step-dad's?

If so then I guess you'll have to sit down and talk to her about it but if it's easy enough, I'd just avoid his day off.

Puppers · 08/01/2023 11:28

OwwwMuuuum · 08/01/2023 11:02

This is so so weird, you’re an adult. Get a life, your mum obviously has. Time to cut the apron strings!

Does being an adult with "a life" mean you have to stop spending time with your parents? Do you only want to have a relationship with your kids until they're 18? What a weird take.

It's not strange or clingy to want to hang out with your mum, OP. Spending time with people is how we maintain relationships. It's hurtful that your mum only seems to want to see you if your stepdad isn't available. Unfortunately you can't change that about her. I'd adjust your expectations and stop giving her the opportunity to hurt you. Spend your precious days off with friends or do something for yourself. Take a step back.

Original poster

Belowhuns · 08/01/2023 11:33

Stepdad works shifts so has a random 2-3 days off every week. Sometimes it's just Sat-Sun, other times it could be Wed-Fri, just depends.

My friends tend to all work Mon-Fri whereas I have a full time rotating Monday-Sunday working pattern (so this week I'm working M, T, T, F, S). It's fairly unusual for me to have a day off in the week in which I don't have DS or other plans. I'll probably just spend this coming day off cleaning.

Just for a bit more context, my mum will take care of my 2 Y/O DS for one full afternoon a week while I'm working which is a godsend. She doesn't mind if this happens to to fall on my stepdad's day off as he absolutely adores my DS and sees him as his own grandson. I see my mum when I'm picking DS up or I'll pop by once a week for half an hour as her house in on my way from work to nursery.

OP posts:

Original poster

Belowhuns · 08/01/2023 11:34

Can I also just thank everyone who has responded. There's a lot of kind reassurance here and helpful advise. Thank you.

OP posts:

Hbh17 · 08/01/2023 11:37

She has a partner. As you are an adult, then he comes first for your mother. Which is how it should be.

girlfriend44 · 08/01/2023 11:56

I'm suspecting here that you don't like your stepdad and he dosent like you otherwise I'm sure this problem wouldn't exist.

LlynTegid · 08/01/2023 12:05

If you are being let down at short notice then I think you would have every reason to be upset. If your stepdad is controlling or coercive, even more so.

dottypotter · 08/01/2023 12:08

There's an issue between the two of you, you and stepdad and mum's in the middle.
I have a friend with a daughter and a new husband and they all get along.
Mum and daughter go out together, and they all go out together or meet up as a three aswell.
Friend and her husband also look after the grandson as well.

Original poster

Belowhuns · 08/01/2023 12:10

It's so interesting you mention the stepdad thing. I don't not like him but I do feel this odd kind of resentment towards him. This is not helped by this whole situation but honestly I can't quite put my finger on what bothers me about him. He's framed as a bit of a Mr Perfect by my mum which is just so tiresome. She loves to tell me that he gets up on his days off at the crack or dawn to do DIY, always books her birthday off work even though she doesn't tell him to, how all of her friends fancy him and how he goes out of his way to help everyone. This Christmas, he asked if he could get my mum's mountains of presents delivered to my house so not to spoil the surprise. I must admit I was a bit jealous. There are no mountains of presents for me anymore 😂

OP posts:

JamJarJane · 08/01/2023 12:34

They just sound loved up to me. Personally if I got to the second half of life and was lucky enough to have a second chance at all that I'd want to make sure I gave it plenty of my time. I think as you get older you become more aware of time running out and how much you've perhaps sacrificed for other people. Children, even adult ones, may feel like more of a responsibility.

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