Page 2 | to expect my mum to want to spend time with me?

OwwwMuuuum · 09/01/2023 15:21

Belowhuns · 08/01/2023 12:10

It's so interesting you mention the stepdad thing. I don't not like him but I do feel this odd kind of resentment towards him. This is not helped by this whole situation but honestly I can't quite put my finger on what bothers me about him. He's framed as a bit of a Mr Perfect by my mum which is just so tiresome. She loves to tell me that he gets up on his days off at the crack or dawn to do DIY, always books her birthday off work even though she doesn't tell him to, how all of her friends fancy him and how he goes out of his way to help everyone. This Christmas, he asked if he could get my mum's mountains of presents delivered to my house so not to spoil the surprise. I must admit I was a bit jealous. There are no mountains of presents for me anymore 😂

You know it’s not every adult who thinks this way about their parents, right? I am an adult, I’m not sad or jealous when people get more treats than me. I’m not jealous of people taking my mummy’s attention away from me. Have you considered talking to a therapist about these feelings?

10HailMarys · 09/01/2023 15:36

Belowhuns · 08/01/2023 12:10

It's so interesting you mention the stepdad thing. I don't not like him but I do feel this odd kind of resentment towards him. This is not helped by this whole situation but honestly I can't quite put my finger on what bothers me about him. He's framed as a bit of a Mr Perfect by my mum which is just so tiresome. She loves to tell me that he gets up on his days off at the crack or dawn to do DIY, always books her birthday off work even though she doesn't tell him to, how all of her friends fancy him and how he goes out of his way to help everyone. This Christmas, he asked if he could get my mum's mountains of presents delivered to my house so not to spoil the surprise. I must admit I was a bit jealous. There are no mountains of presents for me anymore 😂

You're being weird about this. You are an adult. So is your mum. You should not be jealous of her relationship with her partner. Be happy for her, ffs.

As for her wanting to remain free on his day off work... why is that a problem for you? You're offering her a time based on when you happen to have a day off and expecting her to be available at your convenience only. I think you're being quite needy and self-centred about this issue.

shewolfsout · 09/01/2023 16:25

It sounds like they both prioritise time off to spend together, if he likes to get DIY jobs done early so they can spend quality time and takes her birthday off work that suggests it's mutual and not one sided from your mum to him, but something they both put a high value on. It sounds as though you're comparing your relationship and priories to your mum. Do you ever spend your day off with your own partner or other friends? Maybe that's why you're feeling this as such a rejection, because there is something lacking for yourself. Try to find a new way to fill that gap.

Original poster

Belowhuns · 09/01/2023 17:11

Big point here - no expectation for her to be free. If they have something planned of course that's fine. It's just crazy to me that whenever hot partner is off (even when he has 2-3 days off every week) you can't make any other plans.

OP posts:

Original poster

Belowhuns · 09/01/2023 17:12

Her* partner 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Belowhuns · 09/01/2023 17:14

This is how the conversation went this time -

'hey are you around on Wednesday?'

'Yes'

'Did you fancy going out for lunch?'

'Oh I thought you were just going to ask me to pick up DS from nursery. It's DHs day off that day so we will probably do something'

OP posts:

5128gap · 09/01/2023 17:23

I understand completely where you're coming from. All these posts saying you're an adult, well so what? Healthy and positive relationships between adult children and their parents are a lot like close friendships. I'm sure people would have a different view if a friend constantly refused to commit to seeing them on the off chance their husband wanted to do something. I hope for your mum's sake this is a honeymoon period thing, because to be so obsessed with not missing an hour or so of your husband's company that you won't see your daughter is a bit unhealthy imo.

Coffeecreme · 09/01/2023 17:25

perhaps she just needs more notice

Coffeecreme · 09/01/2023 17:29

so if she said she wasnt free
set up another date, at the time op

butterfliedtwo · 09/01/2023 17:31

She has plans. YABU. Also, I agree with this:

You're being weird about this. You are an adult. So is your mum. You should not be jealous of her relationship with her partner.

LolaSmiles · 09/01/2023 18:32

Big point here - no expectation for her to be free. If they have something planned of course that's fine. It's just crazy to me that whenever hot partner is off (even when he has 2-3 days off every week) you can't make any other plans
I agree with you. The idea that a day should be kept free for husband just in case they might do something is weird.

I can't imagine DH and I refusing to make any weekend plans just in case we might do something as a family. We'd never enjoy our hobbies, never see our friends, never see our families because all the other people in our life aren't going to hang around keeping their diaries free until Saturday morning to find out whether DH and I are going to go to the garden centre together or not.

Some people run their relationships like that though. In my experience these people also seem surprised that friends/family stop making as much of an effort with someone who always treats them as an option or someone only worthy of their time if their partner/spouse isn't around.

JudgeRudy · 09/01/2023 18:50

Why should people's plans always involve 'doing something?' Sometimes, especially if you have home/work responsibilities your plan for your free day is exactly that...to keep it free of commitments and do as the fancy takes you.
Now if you never got to spend time withbyour mum then yes, I'd be hurt too but that's not what's happening is it? You're annoyed she's prioritising her partner over you. That comes across as needy.

Original poster

Belowhuns · 09/01/2023 19:40

Respect the opinions on this thread even if they're not in line with my own. I'm starting to accept some people prioritise their partners over anyone else even if I don't. I try to be a bit more balanced and my partner and I encourage friendships and good relationships with families. It's not for everyone I guess!

OP posts:

OutOfTheBluey · 09/01/2023 19:55

OwwwMuuuum · 08/01/2023 11:02

This is so so weird, you’re an adult. Get a life, your mum obviously has. Time to cut the apron strings!

She does have a life. She wants to spend a small portion of her life with her mum.

YANBU unless he only very rarely has a day off it's very odd she has to spend each one with him.

caroleanboneparte · 09/01/2023 19:57

Sounds like she's in a controlling relationship. Is she ok?

OutOfTheBluey · 09/01/2023 19:57

Alot of these posts are from people who haven't bothered reading the full op.

It's not a problem if this happened one time but they haven't even planned to spend the day together (even plans to do nothing or open plans). She just refuses to spend his day off apart from him. It's weird. I'd worry he was controlling.

PurpleAirGuitar · 29/03/2023 10:58

I sort of feel that if it was the other way round - your mum wanting to spend time with you when you were hoping to do something with your DH - people would be saying she was a CF and you ought to put your own husband first. That's not to say I actively think you are a CF, just noticing the difference in opinion depending on who is posting. Thinking about it from her point of view, she is in a newish relationship with someone who clearly treats her very well, and maybe she just is very much in love and wants to spend as much time with him as possible. But if you previously enjoyed a very close relationship and spent lots of time together, it's natural for you to miss that. I think you need to talk to her honestly about how much you would still like to be having those catch-ups - and yes, tell her how much you love and value her, and maybe ask if there is something different she would like to do together as opposed to the things, and times, you traditionally did. Also do you have many other people you can have lunch with? Would it be worth seeing if anybody else would like to go out so you don't feel too lonely and rejected if you can't be with your mum?

Cashew22 · 29/03/2023 11:11

Belowhuns · 08/01/2023 10:31

My mum and I are quite close. We get on well and live a 15 minute walk from one another. I have a child free day off on my own this week and as she doesn’t work, I asked if she fancied going for some lunch. She said no as my stepdad is off work and they might decide to do something together. This happens constantly. We do a yearly big shopping trip near Christmas and it’s always difficult to decide the date because we need a day I am off work and my stepdad is at work. They’ve been married for 2 years now and this drives me insane. There is no expectation in my own relationship that if we’re both free, we mustn’t make plans with anyone else so it's a weird one to get my head around. Sometimes I'll feel one day when my mum isn't around anymore and that while she is around, I want to show how much I love and value her. Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit miffed?

I can understand your feeling a bit miffed by this but I have to admit I've done the same as your mum on numerous occasions. Admittedly I find my mother stressful to be around (we have a pretty good relationship, but she's quite tiring), so it's different. But whenever she has suggested visiting on a bank holiday I have put her off because it's a rare occasion when I get to spend an extra day with my husband. We almost never have big plans, but we always have mountains of life admin to get through and also just enjoy going and getting lunch or whatever together. Just different perspectives, I guess.

Cashew22 · 29/03/2023 11:17

PurpleAirGuitar · 29/03/2023 10:58

I sort of feel that if it was the other way round - your mum wanting to spend time with you when you were hoping to do something with your DH - people would be saying she was a CF and you ought to put your own husband first. That's not to say I actively think you are a CF, just noticing the difference in opinion depending on who is posting. Thinking about it from her point of view, she is in a newish relationship with someone who clearly treats her very well, and maybe she just is very much in love and wants to spend as much time with him as possible. But if you previously enjoyed a very close relationship and spent lots of time together, it's natural for you to miss that. I think you need to talk to her honestly about how much you would still like to be having those catch-ups - and yes, tell her how much you love and value her, and maybe ask if there is something different she would like to do together as opposed to the things, and times, you traditionally did. Also do you have many other people you can have lunch with? Would it be worth seeing if anybody else would like to go out so you don't feel too lonely and rejected if you can't be with your mum?

I think this is a really perceptive comment. And I agree that if the OP is missing time together then she should raise this.

fragglegirl1977 · 30/08/2023 02:31

I completely understand this. When my mum remarried my stepdad I was eight. She never did anything with me for 7/8 years, she was always out at the weekends with him. He worked in the financial world, so constantly out with clients or away. I barely saw my mum, she wasn’t the mum I needed her to be. I had a breakdown at 14, because previous to my mum leaving my dad, he would beat her up and my brother molested me. Once we moved in with my stepdad, she was really his wife and not my mum. After my breakdown, she started doing outings with me, but I never forgot about it or forgave her, even though I loved her very much.
Please don’t feel feel bad for thinking the way you do, if someone is negative on here, they really don’t get it xx