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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to return sons gift to family member.

26 replies

Harry12345 · 07/01/2023 23:21

My Aunt has been continually mean, cheeky and nasty to me since I was 17 years old. She is 15 years older than me and I could never understand what I had done wrong as I have never been anything other than nice and polite to her. Tbh I feel like my dad who is her brother should have stepped in years ago but a lot gets brushed off in my family and blamed on drink. It’s been a very toxic environment, I feel like she’s maybe been jealous as I’ve never done anything to hurt or be mean to her. In the last 10 years I have kept my distance and only seen her at a few family events which I attend as I love my grandad however she’s still managed to say underhand comments to me and had been mean to other immediate family members. I have now deleted her from my life and have no intention to be in her company again. She has however sent her daughter to deliver a present for my 8 year old daughter. It makes me feel uncomfortable and as if she is not respecting my boundaries as she knows I do not want anything to do with her. I want to drop it at her door as I don’t want anything from her or for her to use against me however my husband thinks I am being unreasonable and intentionally causing more friction. So am I being unreasonable to return the gift to her door?

OP posts:
Original poster
Harry12345 · 07/01/2023 23:23

Sorry it is for my daughter, I wrote son in title to not give myself away.

OP posts:
sparklyWand · 07/01/2023 23:25

Assuming she doesn’t live hours away I’d return it. However I’d do it at a time I know she’d be out as I’d hate to be drawn into the drama of an argument on the street!

I believe people like this need to have clearly marked boundaries.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/01/2023 23:26

I would pop the gift down the charity shop and not mention anything about it to her. She may be doing it for a response, so I’d completely ignore it .

If she asks tell her that you’ve already informed her you want no contact with her and nothing has changed.

Do you have a relationship with her daughter at all? Given she delivered the gift?

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/01/2023 23:27

Just send it to the charity shop. She sounds absolutely awful.

Original poster
Harry12345 · 07/01/2023 23:30

sparklyWand · 07/01/2023 23:25

Assuming she doesn’t live hours away I’d return it. However I’d do it at a time I know she’d be out as I’d hate to be drawn into the drama of an argument on the street!

I believe people like this need to have clearly marked boundaries.

Thank you. Yes I think so, she is a very manipulative woman who used me when I was younger, took money from me, came to one of my party’s uninvited and acts all nice to me then turns with underhand comments. She says horrible things about my health conditions as if I’m making it up which causes me to get defensive then she backs down as if I’m causing an argument. Thanks for reply, I wasn’t sure if I was causing more drama by doing this.

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 07/01/2023 23:31

To be truly free of her influence, you need to not care what she thinks. Send it to the charity shop, if you return it she will know she still has her claws in you. Only you can take those out.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 07/01/2023 23:32

Dont descend to her level - keep the present pr give it away but don't go the dumping or doorstep route

Original poster
Harry12345 · 07/01/2023 23:32

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/01/2023 23:26

I would pop the gift down the charity shop and not mention anything about it to her. She may be doing it for a response, so I’d completely ignore it .

If she asks tell her that you’ve already informed her you want no contact with her and nothing has changed.

Do you have a relationship with her daughter at all? Given she delivered the gift?

Tbh it’s a card with money in it. I do have a lovely relationship with my cousin and she knows her mums faults but we just don’t discuss it as they have their own issues with her. I was a bit taken a back she delivered it given she knows I’ve tried to distance myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Harry12345 · 07/01/2023 23:33

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/01/2023 23:27

Just send it to the charity shop. She sounds absolutely awful.

Thank you she is.

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 07/01/2023 23:34

I wouldn’t. That’s far too much effort for someone you want nothing to do with.

Drop it at a charity shop or unwrap it to see what it is then keep it as a gift for your daughter to give a friend.

If questioned then it went to charity of course.

Original poster
Harry12345 · 07/01/2023 23:34

I should have said it is money in a card.

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/01/2023 23:35

oh right.
We’ll maybe make it a donation to a charity or just spend the money on your so buy don’t mention where it is from.

sadly manipulative people are good at getting people to do their work (flying moneys it called). Maybe you need to speak to your cousin. Tel her you love her and want to maintain a relationship with her, but you need to ask her to not being any items/communication to you from her mum.

Cherrysoup · 07/01/2023 23:35

Donate to charity. You don’t want anything from her.

Original poster
Harry12345 · 07/01/2023 23:40

Thank you everyone, really good advice, I think I had a knee jerk reaction as I know she’s doing it to look good and have an in to me. I think I’ll take the higher ground and be at peace knowing that I will still have no contact with her.

OP posts:
LimeTwists · 07/01/2023 23:40

I think if you spend the money in any way without telling your daughter it will look a bit like you’ve stolen it so you either need to donate it to charity online so you get an email receipt to prove it or return it to her if you don’t want your daughter to have it.

Is it an olive branch from her at all?

Original poster
Harry12345 · 07/01/2023 23:43

LimeTwists · 07/01/2023 23:40

I think if you spend the money in any way without telling your daughter it will look a bit like you’ve stolen it so you either need to donate it to charity online so you get an email receipt to prove it or return it to her if you don’t want your daughter to have it.

Is it an olive branch from her at all?

Definitely not an olive branch, in fact she would play innocent and say she doesn’t know what she has done to me. She gets my daughter something every year and continues with her toxic behaviour so I know she just really thinks she can act innocent and get away with it. To be honest she has got away with it for years but I’m not willingly to put up with it anymore.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 07/01/2023 23:44

If it is money, take it to a food bank. At least you know there it will be doing some good.

Original poster
Harry12345 · 07/01/2023 23:48

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/01/2023 23:35

oh right.
We’ll maybe make it a donation to a charity or just spend the money on your so buy don’t mention where it is from.

sadly manipulative people are good at getting people to do their work (flying moneys it called). Maybe you need to speak to your cousin. Tel her you love her and want to maintain a relationship with her, but you need to ask her to not being any items/communication to you from her mum.

Thank you

OP posts:
BigBadBun · 11/01/2023 14:39

Use the money to buy your daughter sponsorship of one or two animals at London Zoo. That way you have given it to charity and your daughter also gets to benefit.

SippingSangriaInMyHead · 11/01/2023 17:05

I’m related to a woman who behaves exactly how you describe. Toxic as hell. The innocent routine after the bullying is the most infuriating part and her bloody flying monkeys going along with it all. She’s the personality type that taps you until you crack then taps you harder for cracking.
Ive been in the situation you are in and have just put the money in my child’s money box. People like this do use gifts/money to get a rise out of you though. You end up damned if you give it to your child and damned if you return it. That’s the game they play. It’s just another stick to beat you with. I don’t think people understand unless they have had to cope with this personality type.

Original poster
Harry12345 · 11/01/2023 23:46

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Harry12345 · 11/01/2023 23:48

SippingSangriaInMyHead · 11/01/2023 17:05

I’m related to a woman who behaves exactly how you describe. Toxic as hell. The innocent routine after the bullying is the most infuriating part and her bloody flying monkeys going along with it all. She’s the personality type that taps you until you crack then taps you harder for cracking.
Ive been in the situation you are in and have just put the money in my child’s money box. People like this do use gifts/money to get a rise out of you though. You end up damned if you give it to your child and damned if you return it. That’s the game they play. It’s just another stick to beat you with. I don’t think people understand unless they have had to cope with this personality type.

You articulated it so much better than me. I think over the years it became the norm between her and her siblings that she really thought I’d keep putting up with it. She will use it against me that she gave her a gift but would be total drama and playing the victim if I gave it back! Thank you for replying

OP posts:
SuperHandss · 11/01/2023 23:52

Sounds horrible OP. Personally I would spend it lunch out with your happy family or give to charity & not return it.

Returning it is a dialogue of sorts.

BasiliskStare · 11/01/2023 23:58

I think just put it in DD's money box. I would say a short thank you & then leave it .

saraclara · 12/01/2023 00:03

It's your daughters money now. So all these suggestions about giving it away are unfair.
Put it in your daughters savings account and say nothing of it to either party.