To drug test my dad?

[everyage]

I'm 30, my dad is 60. He is an addict (severe prescription drugs) and a liar. I've never met someone who can so easily lie to my face. He has had mental health issues for all his life, addiction problems for the past 30 years. I feel sad for him, he had a horrendous childhood.

He was sober for about three years. It is now very clear he is not sober. The doctor stopped prescribing opioid based meds to him three years ago. So it is clear to me he is getting his drugs from elsewhere.

His stomach is bloated, slurs his words, he is stumbling all over the place and shakes to the point he can't hold a cup of water. He has been physically tested - nothing wrong with him.

When I bring this up to him, he says things like, 'I won't have this conversation with you', 'how dare you accuse me' etc.

I feel sick to my stomach, I feel like I'm being gaslighted. At least if I knew he was on drugs I could support him. I feel as if I'm losing my mind. He bare face lies and says he's sober when it's very clear he's not.

Would I be unreasonable to show up at his house tomorrow and drug test him? Could get from a local pharmacy.

He asks me why I care, it's like I haven't slept properly in weeks because of this

Just go no contact

Cut contact with him. You cant help him.

I can't do that, he will literally die. He'd be so lonely, I couldn't take that.

You're not going to be able to make him do a drug test if he doesn't want to.

Personally I'd just tell him that I was reducing my contact / support until he started to steps to sort himself out.

You can't 'fix' an addict until he admits there is a problem and resolves himself to deal with it.

No, you can't.

Even if he chose to test himself, what would it achieve as he doesn't want to stop.

You can advise him to get professional help but it's up to him, sadly.

You could start to distance yourself from.him to protect yourself but if he doesn't accept he has a problem to agree to source help, there's little you can do.

Yes , Very unreasonable!
You can support him, you can support him to live his life in the manner he choses, no matter how scary or painful a prospect that is for you.

If you insist on staying around you can only talk. And talk. And talk more.

I think you are a lively person but are most likely going to exhaust yourself on him.

If only he would choose to get help.

What if he comes up positive? he's unwilling to help himself or accept help by the sounds.

What would it achieve?
How would you support him differently depending on the results?

It would be for you not him.

You cannot CONTROL this
You didn’t CAUSE this
You cannot CURE it
These are the 3 C’s of addiction.
But you can get support from www.famanon.org.uk. Families Anonymous is for the families/friends affected by another’s abuse of mind altering substances. FA has groups UK wide, online and face to face, literature, a forum, helpline etc.
Good luck

He's an addict and a liar, even if you managed to get him to agree he'd just bullshit it away. He's not ready to own up to his addiction and you can't make him.

You know he's on drugs, you don't need it confirmed, what exactly would seeing it physically do? You can already see the affects on him. You can only choose how much you engage, support and how much energy you put into him. It'll be thankless.

He says he's not, he swears on my life that he's sober. So I worry that he's telling the truth and I've disowned him

In my experience anyone who swears on someone else's life is lying. You know he's lying, he knows you know he's lying.

Imagine for a moment you do get him to do a test and it's positive. Then what? He's not going to change, and you can't make him change. So nothing will change.

Don't put yourself through it. It's only going to hurt you.

Sorry, this sounds tough.

Best case scenario of you drugs testing him is you know for certain - and then what? You seem to think you’ll be able to help him. Sorry to say you can’t help an addict insomuch as they will only give up when they are truly ready themselves.

You pretty much know already and most addicts lie. They’re ashamed, guilty, in denial, not ready to stop, don’t want to be confronted etc. Calling him out risks losing any trust left so I would just assume the worst now based on symptoms and support best you can.

I would suggest getting support for yourself first.

This. Trust me from someone with a drug addict sibling. You don't have to go down with him.

I've been there, the sleepless nights, the fear every time my phone rang, the 3am phone calls, the epic highs when they were getting clean again... and the crushing lows when it became obvious they weren't. Them loosing everything, thinking it can't get any worse...and then it did.

Save yourself OP.

Sorry OP but sounds like he's already lonely and gonna die soon anyway. Forcing a drug test on him is futile atvthis stage. Cutting contact could possibly prompt a change. He'll go down before he comes up though.
There are many charities with groups and resources specifically for families and friends of addicts. Seek advice from them them.

You can't support someone who doesn't want your help. I'm so sorry you're going through this but the PPs are right, you need to go NC

I can empathise OP. My ex was both n alcoholic and a painkiller addict. So many lies. Seemed so honest. I was a mug for years. Had children with him. His family acknowledged the alcohol issue but ignored the drug issue (that didn’t affect them and their past in their opinion) he gaslighted me for years. I eventually left. Convinced his family I was neurotic and that he was sober. A few years going through court who could see through his lies and I had proof he was still drinking/drugging. He died last year. He wouldn’t accept the issue was with him and his family (mainly his mum) lied for him constantly. My children are without a father. There’s no winners, it’s heartbreaking all round. I tested my ex..positive results so then he accused me if tampering with the tests. They will tell the most ridiculous of lies. Please do what is right for you. If he won’t help himself, you absolutely cannot help him.

At 60, it’s possible that he could be suffering from other conditions that present with slurring and shaking.
Would he be agreeable to a consultation with the GP?

Everyone else is probably speaking sense to you and you probably shouldn't listen to me, but, u just need some hair. I'm sure you can get it without him noticing. I did on my dad a few months ago. It was for alcohol, not drugs. Showed levels of a consistent, chronic alcoholic. So much for 'sober 11 months' Sorry you have this in your life. I carry his addiction so heavy on my shoulders every day.

No you can't drug test him. YABVU.

Tell him what symptoms you're seeing and offer to go to the GP with him

How do I know he isn't telling the truth though? God forbid he is still clean and sober and these are just signs of aging (doctors have done tests, there is nothing medically wrong with him) and I go no contact and then something happens, I couldn't live with myself. In my opinion, the signs are all there, I recognise them, he is using again but his lies are so convincing that I just don't know what to believe or think. I feel like I'm being gaslighted and I feel very sad for him.

He is not a child, I get you care about him, but you are not helping him or yourself

You can cut him out, or see him and accept that he's using. It's shit but those are your choices. There isn't really any point in trying to test him.Sorry you're having to deal with this.

How do I know he isn't telling the truth though?

You've had a long while of this. I could 100%, completely, absolutely know beyond any doubt when exH was using. Better than a drug test. Do you know? Not hoping or wishing. Do you know?