I’ve just bribed my DC to go to their dads – tell me how awful I am

[TheBriberyForContact]

Have 1 DC with ExH, aged 8.

ExH has them EOWend for 1 night and 1 night extra at Christmas no contact in between, I’ve offered but he never takes it. There is a CAO that actually gives him more time with DC but during the pandemic he asked to cut it down to 1 night.
I do everything else. DC has some medical issues and I do all appointments, all school meetings, all parents evenings, all sports days, all extra-curricular stuff. DC asks ExH to go and he just says he doesn’t want to or it’s my job as their mum.

In the last year to 18 months DC has started pushing against contact, they’ve told school that they like being with me and that it’s hard going to ExH where they don’t know whats happening. They also miss me a lot – ExH is supposed to let DC call me during contact but never does and when I try my call goes unanswered – DC has a phone for contact but it’s usually turned off. They will do anything they can to get out of going, they pretend their ill, or scream. They also used to shout help as ExH strapped them into the car. They’ve bitten both me and ExH in the past as we’ve been putting them in the car.

I know I have to be seen to be supporting contact so last few times, including over Christmas I’ve taken to bribing DC. I tell DC if they go to their dads without fuss they can have something or do something.

Often it’s just a promise of their favourite meal on Monday – I always follow through though and they get their sausages and baked beans (they don’t care what else I put with it so it’ll be mash or waffles or similar).

Today DC said they wanted “Aunty X to pick them up from school on her day off” X is my SIL (married to my brother) and doesn’t have DC. Thankfully SIL has said yes and DC will see them after school for an hour one day next week but it’s getting harder. I'm running out of ideas.

I feel such an awful mum for having to bribe DC. Feel free to tell me I am. I am exhausted from it all. And know in a few weeks time I’ll have to go through it all again.

How bad does it look on me that I can’t convince DC to go to contact without bribery? And am I making a rod for my own back?

Sorry that was not supposed to (different rules, obviously two decades ago). I don’t think I ever did call him, I didn’t want him to pay the bill deep down, and it was more the knowing I could.

Sorry that was long, hope it could help in any tiny way.

Im only an international recent student in England so I can’t say anything at all about your rules, other posters will surely know well ☺️

Best of luck, feel free to pm me for briberies ☺️, I’m sorry I can’t contribute much else

I think as you are not bribing with toys or things which cost money it’s fine. You’re merely giving your reluctant child something to look forward to while they are away from you. It’s crap they have to go when they clearly don’t want to and are not particularly wanted. You are doing the best you can as your child’s mother.

Yes exactly, there’s tons of options that don’t include money : ex being allowed to paint my nails for the Sunday, she promised me she would help me learn to make clothes (she was amazing at it, she actually did make my clothes, as in real warm knitted jumpers : for me it was just giving me a tiny bit of spare tissue and a bit of thread ( fyi the first thing I made was using a gorgeous tissue she was making a dress for her sister for, I decided to make myself pretty knickers with it, but got a bit muddled and sewed up so sewed close both slots where you’re supposed to put your out your legs through☺️ : always been smart ha), when she was making elaborate cakes (also a wonderful cook) to help save money for weddings (they’d give her the ingredients, and she’d make them, she’d give me a couple of dough or whatever to make and obv they never made it to the wedding but I wasn’t aware).

Tbh these were things we would have done anyway, it was just timing them

Sorry, I’m posting so much, I just feel helpless not knowing the system at all here, I’m just hoping I can at least reassure you in a tiny way that I honestly have just vague memories of the actual time spent with the paternal memories (and I am from the culture where especially in those times girls weren’t worth a damn thing, they’d hated my mum, so I was clearly aware of that, but I knew my maternal ones weren’t in my mindset, was busy with my books, knew how to threaten to punch any cousins who approached me, and I was excited about all the special grown up stuff waiting on a Sunday. It wasn’t actually framed as bribery most of the time though, it was more like whatever go read your book today, know you can call (and punch lol - I actually only did it once, but I did not go easy on the kid ha), and look what exciting stuff we’ve planned when you’re back !

Thanks everyone, I have no faith in going back to court that it would go in my favour as I've been threatened by the courts before so no I'm not going back.

I just have to manage I think. Some excellent ideas here too, DC loves jigsaws so I could always pick up a few cheap ones in the charity shops on payday and then we do them together when DC comes home - when they're done they can go back to the charity shop and we get new ones. I can also send them with a new book or magazine.

Favourite meal will be on the meal plan every other Monday too. And SIL is happy to pick up from school on her day off, and she's one of DCs favourite people in the world so that'll help too.