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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve just bribed my DC to go to their dads – tell me how awful I am

30 replies

TheBriberyForContact · 07/01/2023 15:16

Have 1 DC with ExH, aged 8.

ExH has them EOWend for 1 night and 1 night extra at Christmas no contact in between, I’ve offered but he never takes it. There is a CAO that actually gives him more time with DC but during the pandemic he asked to cut it down to 1 night.
I do everything else. DC has some medical issues and I do all appointments, all school meetings, all parents evenings, all sports days, all extra-curricular stuff. DC asks ExH to go and he just says he doesn’t want to or it’s my job as their mum.

In the last year to 18 months DC has started pushing against contact, they’ve told school that they like being with me and that it’s hard going to ExH where they don’t know whats happening. They also miss me a lot – ExH is supposed to let DC call me during contact but never does and when I try my call goes unanswered – DC has a phone for contact but it’s usually turned off. They will do anything they can to get out of going, they pretend their ill, or scream. They also used to shout help as ExH strapped them into the car. They’ve bitten both me and ExH in the past as we’ve been putting them in the car.

I know I have to be seen to be supporting contact so last few times, including over Christmas I’ve taken to bribing DC. I tell DC if they go to their dads without fuss they can have something or do something.

Often it’s just a promise of their favourite meal on Monday – I always follow through though and they get their sausages and baked beans (they don’t care what else I put with it so it’ll be mash or waffles or similar).

Today DC said they wanted “Aunty X to pick them up from school on her day off” X is my SIL (married to my brother) and doesn’t have DC. Thankfully SIL has said yes and DC will see them after school for an hour one day next week but it’s getting harder. I'm running out of ideas.

I feel such an awful mum for having to bribe DC. Feel free to tell me I am. I am exhausted from it all. And know in a few weeks time I’ll have to go through it all again.

How bad does it look on me that I can’t convince DC to go to contact without bribery? And am I making a rod for my own back?

OP posts:
WhiskersPete · 07/01/2023 15:22

Why are you so desperate for him to go? He clearly doesn't want to. Why are you taking on all the stress of this? Let your ex find a solution?

Original poster
TheBriberyForContact · 07/01/2023 15:23

WhiskersPete · 07/01/2023 15:22

Why are you so desperate for him to go? He clearly doesn't want to. Why are you taking on all the stress of this? Let your ex find a solution?

@WhiskersPete BEcause of the court order, I've been told I have to be seen as supporting it or I could lose DC for good to ExH.

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 07/01/2023 15:24

You're not going to 'lose' your child to someone who only sees him once a fortnight...

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2023 15:25

Your ExH doesn’t want your DC though - they cut down contact themselves. How likely is it they’ll go back to court for FT residency?

Original poster
TheBriberyForContact · 07/01/2023 15:26

AllOfThemWitches · 07/01/2023 15:24

You're not going to 'lose' your child to someone who only sees him once a fortnight...

@AllOfThemWitches According to my solicitor I very well could if he took it back to court, he'd initially be given more contact (even though he doesn't take the full contact he has) and then possibly residency if I'm not seen to be supporting the little contact they have.

And I believe my solicitor because when we went through court it was threatened by the judge that they'd give residency to ExH if I didn't co-operate or give ExH what he wanted contact wise.

OP posts:
whitebreadjamsandwich · 07/01/2023 15:26

Yeah you cant lose a child to an exh that your child will bite in an attempt not to see them. Be openly supportive, but you don't need to bribe them. Tell your ex that your child might be more settled knowing they can talk to you, and see why he switches their phone off?

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2023 15:27

How old is DC?

Anyway, in answer to your question, I don’t think it’s terrible to offer a favourite meal in exchange for not kicking up a fuss. Or having a family member collect from school if they’re happy to.

WhiskersPete · 07/01/2023 15:27

I could lose DC for good to ExH.

ExH only wants contact once a fortnight though. He's hardly going to want full custody is he? I would have thought, at the age of 8, a court will place a lot emphasis on the child's wishes? If he doesn't even want to go once a fortnight surely they are not going to make him live there all the time?

What is your exH's solution to his son not wanting to go?

Original poster
TheBriberyForContact · 07/01/2023 15:27

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2023 15:27

How old is DC?

Anyway, in answer to your question, I don’t think it’s terrible to offer a favourite meal in exchange for not kicking up a fuss. Or having a family member collect from school if they’re happy to.

@NoSquirrels DC is 8

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBriberyForContact · 07/01/2023 15:28

WhiskersPete · 07/01/2023 15:27

I could lose DC for good to ExH.

ExH only wants contact once a fortnight though. He's hardly going to want full custody is he? I would have thought, at the age of 8, a court will place a lot emphasis on the child's wishes? If he doesn't even want to go once a fortnight surely they are not going to make him live there all the time?

What is your exH's solution to his son not wanting to go?

@WhiskersPete Forcing DC into the car and ignoring them crying. ExH says they're fine once they get there although DC says they're bored.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 07/01/2023 15:28

Does he not collect from school? Why are you doing handover? You should only need to bribe at school holidays

Original poster
TheBriberyForContact · 07/01/2023 15:29

Theunamedcat · 07/01/2023 15:28

Does he not collect from school? Why are you doing handover? You should only need to bribe at school holidays

@Theunamedcat Contact is Every Other Weekend Sat to Sun. He used to collect from school 1 night per week and return to home but he stopped doing it during covid, I've asked him to do it again and he just says he's happy with seeing DC when he does.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/01/2023 15:30

How have they managed to frighten you into believing he’ll get residency? Were they accusing you of parental alienation? Did you refuse contact previously?

As I understand it, your job is to make DC available for contact as per the order. That’s the extent of what you’re supposed to do - facilitate it not frustrate it. Nothing more.

Godlovesall26 · 07/01/2023 15:30

Can you ask you solicitor about the phone contact at least ? Maybe there’s a way to frame it like as you’re primary carer and DC is still young he’d be more likely to tell you if he felt unwell, what if his dad has an accident his phone needs to be on, I’m just guessing here, but at least I imagine that might at least alleviate DC’s activity.

What does DC does at dad’s house ? If not much, can you send him with a book, game etc, some sort of structure for the day basically ?

AllOfThemWitches · 07/01/2023 15:31

TheBriberyForContact · 07/01/2023 15:26

@AllOfThemWitches According to my solicitor I very well could if he took it back to court, he'd initially be given more contact (even though he doesn't take the full contact he has) and then possibly residency if I'm not seen to be supporting the little contact they have.

And I believe my solicitor because when we went through court it was threatened by the judge that they'd give residency to ExH if I didn't co-operate or give ExH what he wanted contact wise.

Show quote history

Wow. Definitely not my experience of family court. I was advised to encourage dc when they were adamant they didn't want to to but I was never told 'if you don't, you'll lose your child.' He's now considered a risk to children and not allowed any contact at all so I would listen to your child, personally.

Original poster
TheBriberyForContact · 07/01/2023 15:31

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2023 15:30

How have they managed to frighten you into believing he’ll get residency? Were they accusing you of parental alienation? Did you refuse contact previously?

As I understand it, your job is to make DC available for contact as per the order. That’s the extent of what you’re supposed to do - facilitate it not frustrate it. Nothing more.

@NoSquirrels Yes in court ExH accused me of parent alienation, I'd stopped contact because he'd been violent and despite evidence for it the judge said I was being un-cooperative and I needed to support contact or lose residency.

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 07/01/2023 15:32

Judge sounds like a madman tbh, I would not be standing for that and would seek further advice.

Theunamedcat · 07/01/2023 15:33

TheBriberyForContact · 07/01/2023 15:29

@Theunamedcat Contact is Every Other Weekend Sat to Sun. He used to collect from school 1 night per week and return to home but he stopped doing it during covid, I've asked him to do it again and he just says he's happy with seeing DC when he does.

Show quote history

Ummm no that's not working for you as it causes way more stress on a child going from one parent to the other in my experience its easier for them to go from school to the other parents house

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2023 15:35

OK, so you are supporting contact.

You make your DC available, and he goes. If ex says he’s OK once there then you have to believe him I guess. DC only says he’s bored not scared, so presumably you don’t have any grave concerns?

You could suggest contact moves to Friday nights and he collects from school, in case it’s separating from you that is the issue, rather than the contact per se. But sounds like your ex isn’t bothered to change things.

Original poster
TheBriberyForContact · 07/01/2023 15:35

Theunamedcat · 07/01/2023 15:33

Ummm no that's not working for you as it causes way more stress on a child going from one parent to the other in my experience its easier for them to go from school to the other parents house

Show quote history

@Theunamedcat Unfortunately I have no choice, I tried in court to get it to be Friday to Sunday with pick up from school but ExH insisted he wanted Saturday to Sunday only.

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 07/01/2023 15:36

Family Court is a lottery. Fordome people, what you describe is unimaginable, but for others - like me - it is a real threat.

I wouldn't tie myself in knots trying to think of new things to "bribe" (or maybe motivate?) but have the same thing as a ritual. If the special dinner is working, maybe just build that in as an expected when he returns from contact.

Original poster
TheBriberyForContact · 07/01/2023 15:36

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2023 15:35

OK, so you are supporting contact.

You make your DC available, and he goes. If ex says he’s OK once there then you have to believe him I guess. DC only says he’s bored not scared, so presumably you don’t have any grave concerns?

You could suggest contact moves to Friday nights and he collects from school, in case it’s separating from you that is the issue, rather than the contact per se. But sounds like your ex isn’t bothered to change things.

@NoSquirrels He will not collect from school, I've offered multiple times and he refuses.

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 07/01/2023 15:36

If it helps in any way, I was put into care (luckily maternal grandparents) and for some reason was forced contact with paternal grandparents, a bit less frequent than your son, but it was exactly the same, I was really close to maternal, barely knew paternal much less anyone else who happened to be there. So I tried all your son’s stuff, and I also got the bribery.
I’m not saying it’s right, but if it helps you in the meantime if you struggle to find a solution, I wasn’t traumatised by it at all, although you wouldn’t have guessed it by the tantrums. If it was a higher frequency it would have been different

MuggleMe · 07/01/2023 16:03

If he's collecting from your house, the extent of your responsibility is to have him clothed and available to go with ex. If he then doesn't want to get in the car etc, it's on your ex to negotiate that with DC.

Godlovesall26 · 07/01/2023 16:28

Godlovesall26 · 07/01/2023 15:36

If it helps in any way, I was put into care (luckily maternal grandparents) and for some reason was forced contact with paternal grandparents, a bit less frequent than your son, but it was exactly the same, I was really close to maternal, barely knew paternal much less anyone else who happened to be there. So I tried all your son’s stuff, and I also got the bribery.
I’m not saying it’s right, but if it helps you in the meantime if you struggle to find a solution, I wasn’t traumatised by it at all, although you wouldn’t have guessed it by the tantrums. If it was a higher frequency it would have been different

Sorry don’t know why I assumed son ! For context I was 10 ( F), and now 32, and actually some of my favorite memories with my maternal grandparents, who are both now gone, are the bribery parts when I got back !
My grandmother did make a huge point about packing me a little princess bag with my favorite snacks, clean clothes, nice scents of shower gel (we had limited means, but so much love…), and giving me ideas (the sort of timeline I mentioned) of what to do alone (new book etc, we were way far away from nintendos ha. I didn’t have a phone, and the paternal grandparents (also poor), only had a paying landline, and my grandfather made a point of saying, you know we’re supposed to, but if you really have an issue, you pick up that phone and call me, they can look me in the face when you get back and ask for the bill). I was bullied a bit (not awfully) by my slightly older male cousins who would just push me around, and he taught me a good punch response (that wouldn’t cause any actual risks), I actually used it that same weekend and was so proud of myself ! He said he was proud of me ha. And it actually worked.

I hope you find a resolution, but I did wish to let you know this in the hope it could reassure you (naturally very different situations and times), I really hope you find a healthier solution but if you need bribery ideas in the meantime please don’t hesitate to pm me ☺️. It went on for about 2 years, then at 12 I was basically allowed to say hell no, never again !!