To feel intimidated by this group of mums

[Januaryistheworstmonth]

I live abroad, so a very sort of mixed ex pat situation. DD’s friend and their families are our friends too, all the children go to different schools-mainly different, private, international schools, some state schools but different ones due to area.
Dd has just started at the local state school, there is a group of British mums with their children there, they all socialise together etc. I don’t really know them, but no of them casually and they me, one kindly sent me a message at the start saying that she’d probably run into me during the school run etc, we haven’t as of yet.
Dd has been invited to one of the mums Dds party next week, Dd likes this girl and I know I’ll have to go, but I also know it will be this group of mums who have known each other for ages and are very tight..as are my group of friends. For some reason, I just find this group intimidating and really don’t want to go, it’s bizarre. I’ve always had lots of friends but am not great meeting new people always, well, not in groups and I’m just dreading it tbh.
Anyone had similar or understand how I feel?
I suppose they’re all very strong, good looking, trendy women, as have been a lot of my friends 🤷🏻‍♀️I suppose it’s just the fact they’re always in a group and all know each other

*Dd’s friends

*Know of them causally, not no 🙈

It seems to be here, that whatever school your kids are at, the mum friendship group seems to be based around that, they’ve all known each other for ages and I’m new to it I suppose.

Why is it ok for you to have a tight group of friends but not ok for them to be a tight group? 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Toottooot Hey 🤷🏻‍♀️I never said it wasn’t, I’m saying that I’m the one with the problem and just feel intimidated by them/the situation for some reason..and haven’t before

Hmmm it takes time to make friends and you should make an effort. If you live somewhere with expats then of rent get expect everyone to move on at some point and therefore maybe more reluctance to make an investment in time

@Bringonsummer19 I know that I need to, but just feel so intimidated, they’re all quite well known and popular and very confident, loud and outgoing (a couple of them) I have a couple of friends like this, but not the whole group, if that makes sense

I get that sometimes, end up feeling a bit of a pointless add-on, as most of the mums at school are school friends (same school) themselves. If it really feels awkward I just make some excuse and say bye with a smile. If you're not feeling it, which is totally fine, just drop your kid off and make some excuse about how you've got a beauty treatment booked.

It is ok to feel insecure. I saw this brilliant TED talk about a woman who said to basically pretend that you belong whenever you feel inferior anywhere. She is alot more eloquent than me but I have listened to the talk several times when I have been in situations feeling "less than". So, go with a big smile and chit chat. Listen attentively when they talk, compliment the host etc.

Not sure why you felt the need to say it was British mums??

@Oxborn Because I’m abroad and it does tend to be the same nationalities that pal up together, however two aren’t British, but also ex pats, so you’re right, perhaps wasn’t relevant, just the way I distinguish it in my head.

I hate approaching established groups as well! Could you get the birthday girl's mum to introduce you quickly when you arrive? Just thank her for the invitation and mention that you don't know a soul there, and maybe she'll help break the ice a bit. One tip I was given on MN is to find out which child a particular mum is with and then find something nice to say about them - 'Hasn't she got beautiful curls?' or 'That's a lovely coat - where's it from?' It's easier for people to take compliments about their children than themselves and will hopefully help to get them chatting to you.

Yes, I know what you mean. DS joined a team and DP took him to training/matches. Others had been in team for 3-4 yrs. Message came back via DP that the mums were planning a day/night out in big city and I was invited. I left it but when I took DS to a party I met one of the mums - I vaguely knew her. She persuaded me to join in. I did and had a fabulous time. Football team has finished about 18mths ago but the mums still go out, sometimes with dads too! We kept the WhatsApp chat - it’s all about UCAS now, not sport. Go for it, they’re hopefully great.

Can't relate. I don't get intimidated by others. Why would I? We all have our strengths and weaknesses.

Possibly because they are British. What a stupid comment.

@spiderlight Yes, that’s it, it’s the fact that they’re an established group who knew each before and outside of school mainly and I’ve come late to it. Would be a different thing if we’d all started at the same time

Groups are always intimidating. And some people, without any bad intentions, just don’t know how to be inclusive or have “cold shoulder” body language.

The thing to remember is that it is rarely about you. Even in well established groups, there’s a few people dying inside.

Deep breath, big smile and dive in there!

@Coucous They don’t tend to drop off here, everyone stays 😫

@RambamThankyouMam I know, I wish I felt like this and generally do, just this situation feels a little different

Have I got this right, you're going to let your social insecurity limit your daughter's social life?

Poor kid.

@2bazookas ?? No..I said I’ll have to take her…Dd has a wide range of friends…I was just expressing a worry, I’m human.

@Coucous That was my first thought, but it’s at a time he’s working