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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friend hasnt been a friend?

33 replies

chelseagirl81 · 07/01/2023 11:55

DH runs a small mechanics business and employs my friend in admin. She has 2 kids, is married unhappily and wants to leave. Friend wanted a payrise a few months ago and DH felt he couldnt justify it and so said he’d help her out by giving her money over a few months himself from his own money. He didnt tell me at the time. He is very generous with money and I dont suspect any funny business. (This came out in a row about something else and he told me to demonstrate how good he is! So suspect I’d never have known otherwise).

However I am annoyed: a) that he didnt tell me at the time (i wouldve thought it was really kind of him) and

b) she didnt ask him if I knew and was ok with it. She has never mentioned it to me.

In her shoes I would have asked “is DW ok with this?”

I havent raised with her yet but I just dont see her as my friend any more.

Aibu?

OP posts:
ClubhouseGift · 07/01/2023 11:58

YABU. Your friend hasn’t done anything wrong here.

He is a grown adult. He offered, she accepted. It is between you and your DH whether it’s okay or not, it’s not for her to double check.

Ludo19 · 07/01/2023 12:00

I'd be asking why your DH is giving her money out of his own pocket personally but maybe I'm a suspicious bugger.

girlmom21 · 07/01/2023 12:01

Your husband is her employer. Their agreement was a work agreement.

She doesn't need to know how your husbands financials work and, if you finances are separate, neither does he.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 07/01/2023 12:02

It was up to him to tell you - it's his money.

I feel like you're annoyed but want to unfairly blame your friend because its easier than admitting your husband wasn't open with you (even though it's none of your business).

You're not really much of a friend, never mind her!

Justcallmebebes · 07/01/2023 12:03

I agree with Clubhouse. She may be your friend, but your DH is her employer and so there's an element of duty of care and confidentiality in their employee/employer relationship.

If she's your friend then shouldn't you be supporting her at such a difficult time? You've made it all about you when it really isn't. Your DH has been really kind. Can't you be proud of him for that?

Poppins2016 · 07/01/2023 12:03

I wouldn't ever ask my employer if their spouse was comfortable with their actions/decisions at work, that would be very strange behaviour! If I was her I would probably have assumed it was company money/a 'bonus' of sorts (unless explicitly told otherwise... in which case I'd think it was odd but still not ask about whether his wife was ok with it).

InBedBy10 · 07/01/2023 12:03

You've posted this before OP, what are you hoping to get out of posting this again?

takealettermsjones · 07/01/2023 12:03

She's done nothing wrong, but your husband is behaving in a bit of a dodgy way if you ask me. He's blurring the lines between friend and employer. Why couldn't he have given her a bonus through the company? Is it for tax reasons? I can't pin down why it feels off, but it does.

ClangingBell · 07/01/2023 12:05

It’s super weird that he’s giving her money instead of the pay rise she asked for. She asked for something normal and professionally appropriate from her employer and he’s done this weird blurred line giving her cash thing. She’s done nothing wrong and your DH has done something very odd.

Lj8893 · 07/01/2023 12:07

I’m not sure why you have posted this again? You posted this a couple months ago too.

Original poster
chelseagirl81 · 07/01/2023 12:11

Thank you for your replies - It was kind of him and I dont have a problem with it in principle - its just the secrecy around it that has bothered me. I will just forget it.

OP posts:
Goodread1 · 07/01/2023 12:19

Hi Op
Does your husband have bit of history of being impulsively generous then?

If he does he needs to be careful he does not get taking advantages of in some way ,

Your friend hasn't really done anything wrong, has she,
How on earth was she to know he was using his own money 💰 which sounds ridiculous

Something bit weird about it, this situation,

Why not just give her a bonus or pay rise from work ....

LookItsMeAgain · 07/01/2023 12:48

If he's giving her money that isn't going through the books, then he is taking money that is family money and paying her out of that. It's not company profits or company money at all.
That is something that I would have an issue with. The issue is with him, rather than her. She doesn't necessarily know where the money is coming from.

He needs to square this off properly.

In my mind, he either has to give her a pay rise and find a way to do this through the company, or he may have to let her go and take on some one else that will work for whatever wage he is paying her. Mainly has to stop taking family money and giving it to her.

She wasn't to know where the money was coming from.

gamerchick · 07/01/2023 12:49

Obviously you can't forget it if this is one of multiple threads OP.

I would find it well weird if my bloke was giving one of my pals money and neither of them had mentioned it to me.

I'd also be telling him to knock it the fuck off.

Bedazzled22 · 07/01/2023 13:08

I believe friend did know it was his personal money, but perhaps she didnt. If it was all done through work, then, obviously I wouldn’t expect to know about it as it’s not my business, but I believe it was a personal arrangement. Will give her the benefit of the doubt she may not have known.

thank you for your comments

mondaytosunday · 07/01/2023 13:10

I don't understand why he can't justify a wage increase but can give her personal money? That makes no sense.
But that aside, your thread title was her not being a friend. It's not up to her at all to tell you, though if I was her I'd feel really uncomfortable with the arrangement. He should have either given her a raise or extra work she could do at home.

ReiRay · 07/01/2023 13:13

Your friend has done nothing wrong, her finances are not your business. However your DH handing money to people out of his own pocket would be more of a concern to me.

DuplicateUserName · 07/01/2023 13:18

YABU

As he'd already decided not to tell you himself, he obviously would've told her not to tell you either.

So if you're going to blame anyone, it should be your DH.

DuplicateUserName · 07/01/2023 13:23

Bedazzled22 · 07/01/2023 13:08

I believe friend did know it was his personal money, but perhaps she didnt. If it was all done through work, then, obviously I wouldn’t expect to know about it as it’s not my business, but I believe it was a personal arrangement. Will give her the benefit of the doubt she may not have known.

thank you for your comments

Name change fail?

Hankunamatata · 07/01/2023 13:26

Is there a reason dh didn't want to put it through the business?

saturnisturning · 07/01/2023 13:27

Odd arrangement.

id never accept money from a friend’s husband outside the arrangement as my employer (in your case)

I’d be a bit unnerved if my husband did that. Not because I’d think they were up to no good - just that I wouldn’t trust them.

Changingplace · 07/01/2023 13:29

I think it’s weird you’re trying to place some kind of blame on your friend rather than your DH.

He's her employer, it’s not up to her to question whether or not you knew about this, it’s on him entirely.

VyeBrator · 07/01/2023 13:30

Oh OP I don't want to be 'that' poster but since you just posted under your other NN, it's clear this isn't that cut and dry.

You and he are splitting up and your friend (cousin?) has already split up from her husband.

Do you think there's a chance he's using her to 'offload' his money onto, so you get less in a divorce?

Mariposa26 · 07/01/2023 13:34

this definitely isn’t her fault.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 07/01/2023 13:37

Yabu. It is not your friend's responsibility to share your husband's finances with you, it is his. I find this odd he didn't mention it or discuss it with you but i don't think it's friend's place and i think your unease is directed at the wrong person.

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