Staying in a relationship for financial security

[RubyPip]

One of my closest friends said something that's stuck with me and I can't decide whether to feel sad for her, or not.

I always thought she had a reasonably perfect marriage, her DH is a lovely guy. But she admitted she doesn't feel 'in love' as such, that she imagined herself with someone who really 'gets' her (she's very creative, he's practical) is romantic (apparently he is pants with this), and she said the sex is a bit dull, but okay. She says he's a bit of a loner (he does come across as shy) and she feels guilty leaving him at home alone when she's off out with friends/hobbies.

Together they've built up a very good business and had the benefit of an inheritance (his family) and they're not mega rich but basically she doesn't have to work now and they're financially secure. (Admit I'm more than a bit envious, I'd love to leave my job!!)

So effectively, a major part of staying married to him is the financial security - she said, there's nothing 'bad' enough to leave him for, and the grass isn't always greener anyway. (They don't have kids, though wanted them, IVF wasn't successful sadly).

It really surprised me and I wondered how many others do or would feel the same as my friend? I didn't give any opinion to her, just listened and nodded while our wine went down!

And this thread is the exact reason I tell young women the best gift they can give themselves is a career and financial independence.

I'm a lone parent, I have a good career and this enables me not to compromise myself in a relationship.

You have one life.

@Flamintula I think you've summed that up perfectly. I know I benefit in terms of lifestyle from being with my DH. If he left me I would be sad but I feel strong enough that I would just get in with it. I think that comes with age/confidence. There's something freeing about that.

As long as they're not miserable it's fine. Marriage always used to be generally an arrangement of convenience. And even today in many countries, marriages are arranged by families who find a suitable long term partner for their child. Romance and love just don't come in to it!
I think many couples start off madly in love, then decades pass and the hormones die down and they're left with companionship rather than romantic love. I really don't see anything wrong with this as long as both parties are content.

You think that living with one man, who you might not be in total love with, but do have a level of respect, share a good life with etc is the same as working the streets? Most prostitutes have a background of abuse, MH issues, LDs, drugs etc, they often are very much victims in life. Go to a sex working area and look at the men who they have to suck off (often starting at £5) and then think about the woman living in a nice house and who has a nice life and think that through a bit more. A lot of men will make the same decision about staying, their's was traditionally for the company/housekeeping etc reasons.

God, it sounds like she's doing him a favour by staying. Maybe he's thinking of leaving her to find someone who can have kids. Or someone who will contribute financially to the household.

Similar to me and my DH. We have a disabled child and I would have to work full time if we split. We can survive on one income if we stay together and makes it a million times easier in terms of appointments etc.

Never saw my life like this but we rub along fine and our children benefit from us being together (there's no abuse etc)

I think there is something to be said for this.

I know a few older couples who have admitted they spent time contemplating leaving in the past but feelings have ebbed and changed throughout.

My husbands parents for example had some seriously rocky times when they were younger and spent years contemplating separation. But they did stay together and you'd never think it now. You can sense the deep respect and care for each other they have, I can't comment if it's some burning love or whatever but they are definitely have a strong connection, care and respect for one another.

I think that about my relationship with DH. It's not perfect and I don't have some strong burning love and desire for him and maybe I could be happier in a different relationship in different ways who knows. But the relationship I have is fine, I don't want to rock the boat and more importantly my children's boat by chasing after something that might not even exist. If I was desperately unhappy then yes but I'm not so I see no reason to. I still care for him and respect him and we've built a good life together even if I'm not "in love" whatever that means.

How depressing.

Historically financial security was probably the principal reason women married. I suspect it continues to be a major factor for many women. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think many couples start off madly in love, then decades pass and the hormones die down and they're left with companionship rather than romantic love.

But it can’t even be love at the beginning since they don’t know each other.
And hormones aren’t love.

I’d say it actual live and true romantic love after years of together and still wanting to be together. Of course not counting people who stay for lifestyle or out of fear of being alone etc.

Companionship is the tue form of love.

Not to meantion the stigma of being single woman.

Society (even today) shames single / childfree women, I can only imagine how horrible it was in the past.

It’s just a form of laziness really & the fear of having to start over, I know I’ve done it myself. The best thing I ever did was leave.

I’d say there’s a lot more people that do this than the’d care to admit. I get it, but it’s quite sad really. Although nothing’s perfect. Is it much different to people that marry for money?

@OrdinaryAva, well, it's the same as marrying for money.

I feel very fortunate I haven't had to do it but don't judge those who have. Like I said in my original post, the men are not helpless victims. They wouldn't marry me! They want trophy wives. Everyone is getting what they want.

Those people who stay in love for decades, what dies it feel like? How do you know it's love and not just habit/ liking someone more than another? I've never wanted to put someone else's need before mine; die for them; adore them, which is quite often what people describe love as.

Many, many people marry for money. Not great fortunes. But finances motivate marriage in many ways. That’s what the contract is actually about.

Why else do so many women get responses that they must ‘protect themselves’ with marriage if they are going to have children. It’s a suggestion to ensure that you have a legal claim on his assets, and the security that brings.

The media did a number on you too when it comes to sex workers. I personally know an escort who charges 500 for the hour, has no drug problems nor MH issues and lives in a nice flat. What separates her from the “respectable married woman in a marriage for financial reasons” is the number of sugar daddies, and the legal contract. Both are offering sex/companionship in exchange for money. Same transaction but One is being stigmatised and the other is not.

The logic employed here is so flawed it’s parodying itself.

It doesn't necessarily happen for large amounts of money.....I know of a few couples that live 'normal ' lives, ie kids have hobbies but nothing extravagant, nice three bed homes but not mini mansions. Both of them know a split would mean a dramatic change of lifestyle for themselves and the kids.
Sometimes rocking the boat for a bit of passion isn't always the best decision.

Yet you’d rather choose not to elaborate on why it’s so flawed.I can understand women staying in unhappy marriages for financial reasons in order to protect the children it’s the double standards that I have a problem with when single women choose to offer company/sex as transaction. It’s ok if she does it within the “sanctity of marriage” but not ok when she’s single. This is what the patriarchy has been telling women for centuries in order to control us. Same with everything involving our sexuality. Worst part is how all these messages have been internalised by women.

I think this happens a lot. I think it depends on how unhappy she actually is. My parents were extremely unhappy and toxic together but were too scared to split. However not every minute of a marriage is happy and joyous either.

if it’s really over I don’t know how she can have sex with him or put up with him every day. If it’s really because she wants the money I would hate that existence.

Yes I agree. If it is genuinely as transactional as that (staying just for financial reasons) it’s no different from prostitution

I'm in my marriage for various reasons

My husband is my best friend and he is an exceptional father, he's phenomenal

I love him but I am not attracted to him

He makes a lot of money, I work full time too. We do well together and are great companions

We will probably never have sex again. I just can't bring myself to, and I don't think he's fussed either

The saddest thing, but you've probably guessed - is the age gap

I'm early 30s and very sad at the old man who shuffles beside me

I could cry for both of us. I live in my memories, our memories and my own of past people and experiences

However, we laugh a lot and our children have the best lives so on we will go

I think if you really do know the relationship is over but are staying (and thus having sex with him) for the money only then yes it is a type of prostitution. Not saying that’s the case with op but a situation where you are only with someone you don’t want to be with for the money is prostitution

That sounds sad. How much older is he?

@SueVineer I'll say only 20 years because it is a lot but he's not old old

But he is old. He used to dress so sharply, look after himself.. now he dresses like my dad. He does sudokus, only wants to talk about politics and has aged 40 years over Covid

He was always an introvert but WFH has suited him too well. He now shuffles about in his Crocs and tracksuit bottoms, won't get showered unless I run the water for him and I have to wax his nose and ears for my own sanity

We went to Next the other day for some new clothes. Everything in Next is for young people apparently. He just wants plain polos and old man trousers. Sensible shoes

He has lost the ability to make small talk, just wants to be with me and the children all the time

He will get down on the floor to play with them, reads the stories, he does a lot of cooking - he's lovely in so many ways but he's just so like my dad, and my grandfather

I know he sounds depressed but honestly, he's thrilled. He thinks he's got the best life

I cry a lot in secret. He's very kind but he complains a lot, discusses the weather too much and is just so pessimistic.

I miss him a lot