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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off about waking partner up for dinner

69 replies

Wnfatt22 · 06/01/2023 22:50

Genuinely would like to know if this would piss other people off if I’m being an arse!

We mostly put our toddler to bed together (he goes to sleep in our bed and we lay with him until he falls to sleep). More often than not my other half falls asleep too.. which wouldn’t bother me but I’ll often go down and make or finish dinner for us both after toddler is asleep. I then have to go up and wake up my other half about 3 or 4 times, ultimately getting annoyed at him after he hasn’t got up the first or second time, to come down for dinner.

I told him tonight (and a couple of times before) that it pisses me off having to keep going to wake him up so he can eat dinner that I’ve made and if he just said he wasn’t bothered/wasn’t hungry/was too tired that’d be fine but that’s never the case. He always says yes he wants dinner- so I make it for us both, but he doesn’t get it. On a couple of occasions I’ve just not bothered waking him up and left his in the oven or whatever but it annoys the shit out of me.

Just for the record I totally take over the meal planning/making in the house and that’s how I like it as it gives me a chance to have a break from the toddler while the other half spends time with him.

Should I just leave him to it if he falls asleep and not get irritated or try and drill into him how annoying it is and he should get the F up the first time I wake him up!?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 07/01/2023 09:03

DD was awful at going to sleep when she was a toddler, even though we all ate tea together and she went to bed later. She was just never tired.

I would be concerned about the partners sleep though. Does he have any health issues?

Ginsloth · 07/01/2023 09:04

Mindystryder · 07/01/2023 08:53

Oh good grief, op you are NOT forming bad habits or anything of the sort! This is exactly how we put our 5yo to bed when he was a baby/toddler and he's now in his own room, bedtime is a maximum of 10 minutes and he sleeps 12 hours. I have lovely memories of us snuggling up together and there is no lasting damage! In fact I can't remember the last time he came in our bed. There is nothing wrong with cuddling and comforting small children, especially at bedtime. In fact lots of my friends with kids the same age struggle still with bedtime and I'm sure the fact we've never made it a battle has helped us hugely in the long term.

Exactly this!
I hate the narrative that any routine other than putting your child in a bed and immediately leaving the room is damaging and a huge inconvenience.
I enjoy bedtime with my child, I like that it’s a wind down time of cuddles and holding hands.
I don’t know why people find it so hard to understand. If it’s not what you choose to do then fine, but staying with my child until he falls asleep is not as bizarre as some like to make out.

toocold54 · 07/01/2023 09:13

I lost count the amount of times I accidentally fell asleep after putting my DD to bed.

I’m not sure why it makes you so angry.

Before he does it, tell him that you are making dinner and you’ll keep his in the oven incase he falls asleep.
He’s obviously exhausted and isn’t doing this just to piss you off.

hennylovespens · 07/01/2023 09:14

Your bed time together sounds very lovely. So long as you can figure out the next bit I wouldn't be in a rush to change that.

Tbh we both still fall asleep whilst doing bedtime or just after.

As you're both there I'd prod him as he's nodding off and send him down to finish dinner or, let him go and finish dinner but not try more than once to wake him and have some more me time. Or cold flannel to face?

YANBU to want some adult time and feel you're working too hard for it but YABU to think that anyone, coming in from work can lie in bed, get cosy and stay awake. DH and I are very different sleepers and it used ti annoy me (especially when the kids were small) but it doesn't now. I can't change how much sleep he needs to function or his work schedule that tires him out.

ShillyShallySherbet · 07/01/2023 09:14

OP this sounds to me like an absurd situation. I voted YABU on that account. Can’t you all eat together as a family and then take it in turns to put toddler to sleep after. Your husband must be seriously tired to be falling asleep that early, assuming it’s early if you haven’t eaten yet. It’ll be messing up his sleep patterns doing that so I think he really needs to try and stay awake, maybe not lie down. You need to take it in turns to put toddler to bed really is the bottom line, not both lie there waiting for a toddler to go to sleep.

Original poster
Wnfatt22 · 07/01/2023 10:24

Thank you for the responses, didn’t expect so many. Our little boy doesn’t need us both there and it’s something we do probably half the time, purely because we all enjoy the time together. That won’t be changing because it seems odd or absurd to some. The useful replies have made me realise I’m being unreasonable to get annoyed at him when he’s just tired, and going forward I’ll make sure we either eat before toddler’s bedtime or accept I’ll occasionally eat alone!

Bedtime is quite late for us in comparison to others (toddler still has 12 hours) so it’s not surprising that he falls asleep as he does get up early for work.

OP posts:
gemloving · 07/01/2023 11:32

@Wnfatt22 it's all good, we're all annoyed at times and need to vent but I feel like, if your husband wasn't to lie down with him, he wouldn't fall asleep and that would solve the problem as you said you'd like some time to yourself which is fair enough and he can do a bit of childcare too when he gets in from work which means putting your toddler to bed.

Now you're going against what you actually want and put him to sleep as well.

How old is your toddler? Mine are 3, almost 4 and 20 months x

gemloving · 07/01/2023 11:34

P.s. 0 judgement, we used to lie down and husband fell asleep so changed the habit in a single bed and no more falling asleep haha!

My second is easy, you put him in his cot and he just goes to sleep.
Same parenting, just a different child so you listen to what your child needs but we adjusted ours and it does work. He still asks every time for us to go in bed but we explain that we just sit here and hold his hand instead. If anyone wants to bash me for being there for my anxious child, I wouldn't care. People seem to judge no matter what you do x

hiyaqwerty · 07/01/2023 17:13

Lol I don't understand your problem. Just leave his dinner in the kitchen. He'll eat when he wakes up. A lot of people end up falling asleep whilst putting young ones to bed, you can hardly blame him. My dh does that too sometimes but will wake up after a while.

CremeEggThief · 07/01/2023 17:19

Surely it would be easier for the 3 of you to just eat together at 6.30 or so? Then one of you does a bedtime routine and the other clears up after dinner and then you both get to spend some time relaxing in the evening?

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2023 17:23

Eating together is so important if you’re around to do it and bedtime is late enough. DD has got so much from talking about our days peacefully over a meal, table manners, being confident with new foods etc.

toocold54 · 07/01/2023 20:47

He’s exhausted.
You are over the top pissed off at something minor which could mean you are exhausted too.
And you all co-sleep with your child.

So if it was me then I would trial doing a couple of nights a week where you have your dinner earlier and then both of you go to bed earlier at the same time as your toddler.

You’ll get to eat as a family and all get a decent nights sleep, and you won’t be annoyed if DH ends up accidentally falling asleep as you’ll both be up there snuggling in going to sleep.

I used to go bed very late as I wanted me time after my DC went bed but I was exhausted and so now on weekdays I will go to bed very early, read and then have a decent sleep - I feel so much better for it.
I think many of our issues and stress come from not having enough sleep.
Then on weekends I will stay up later.

Runningintolife · 07/01/2023 21:10

What does he want to do about it?

gamerchick · 07/01/2023 21:47

You don't need 2 people to lie with a toddler OP. You know this deep down and I co slept.

With the meal. Just have yours, make the most of the telly to yourself and let him sort his out whenever. Or have your meal before the bedtime.

KateKateLee · 18/01/2023 19:50

Wnfatt22 · 06/01/2023 22:50

Genuinely would like to know if this would piss other people off if I’m being an arse!

We mostly put our toddler to bed together (he goes to sleep in our bed and we lay with him until he falls to sleep). More often than not my other half falls asleep too.. which wouldn’t bother me but I’ll often go down and make or finish dinner for us both after toddler is asleep. I then have to go up and wake up my other half about 3 or 4 times, ultimately getting annoyed at him after he hasn’t got up the first or second time, to come down for dinner.

I told him tonight (and a couple of times before) that it pisses me off having to keep going to wake him up so he can eat dinner that I’ve made and if he just said he wasn’t bothered/wasn’t hungry/was too tired that’d be fine but that’s never the case. He always says yes he wants dinner- so I make it for us both, but he doesn’t get it. On a couple of occasions I’ve just not bothered waking him up and left his in the oven or whatever but it annoys the shit out of me.

Just for the record I totally take over the meal planning/making in the house and that’s how I like it as it gives me a chance to have a break from the toddler while the other half spends time with him.

Should I just leave him to it if he falls asleep and not get irritated or try and drill into him how annoying it is and he should get the F up the first time I wake him up!?

I’d give him a chance. Wake him once and start eating yourself but if he doesn’t come down leave him. Keep doing it and maybe he’ll learn if he wants to eat he wakes up the first time.

Crispyturtle · 18/01/2023 20:16

OP if you’re happy with the bedtime routine and it’s not a problem for you, don’t change it, enjoy it. At the point it becomes a problem, you can change it then.

With regards to your DP, wake him once then if he goes back to sleep that’s his problem.

TeaFagsand · 20/01/2023 18:41

GrohlOnAPole · 06/01/2023 22:54

I'd just tell him that you're not going to wake him anymore and if he wants the food he needs to get himself downstairs. Then leave him to it. He's doing it because he knows you'll wake him.

Sooo right!

He's a grown man behaving like a naughty toddler. Stop panderung or he'll demand more and more.

I had a similar experience with my ex. He used to do nights and I'd wake him up the late afternoon to be told he could wake himself. So .... I came home late one afternoon - no real reason, just treated myself to some window shopping - for the faecum to slam into the fan big time.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 20/01/2023 18:49

I just want to add, when my DD was a toddler she absolutely needed us to lie with her at bed time, by the time she got a little older she didn't and she goes to bed perfectly happily now. I think you do what works for you and your child. In terms of food just cook him something and leave it, if he wants it he needs to take responsibility himself.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 20/01/2023 18:49

I just want to add, when my DD was a toddler she absolutely needed us to lie with her at bed time, by the time she got a little older she didn't and she goes to bed perfectly happily now. I think you do what works for you and your child. In terms of food just cook him something and leave it, if he wants it he needs to take responsibility himself.

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