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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scared DD father has threatened legal action

43 replies

SharonB2 · 06/01/2023 20:00

dd 12 has always struggled staying away from home with her dad I have alway pushed apart from
in covid if my dd really struggled then I have cancelled

for the past year every weekend is horrendous she is tearful anxious and says she’s unwel so much of the time
on top of that she said her dad was out a lot which he was and she was left with his wife or his wife’s sister and parents (we didn’t know that was the plan) or his family (I’m ok with this) dd has started to develop anxiety about this as well as the fact that they also went to Lita of drinking events with children and walked back late at night etc
i asked if dd could stay at home if those situations were to take place

dd really struggled today tearful anxious
I again messaged him and he responded with he will need to take legal action

can someone advise me what will happen? Have messages with request of mediation but no response now I’m feeling fearful that by saying someone it could end up worse for my daughter ie would he get custody or would they say she needs more contact? Ok beside myself woth worry and he won’t answer me now

fyi - I have always encouraged her to go and if she struggled would get up early to take her abs collect her or similar so she gets to see him but in a way that puts her at ease.
i have suggested contact in a different way with more time but with less sleepovers
also dd says she gets put to bed very early like 7.30 so I feel confused why sleepovers are a must?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 06/01/2023 20:01

If he does take it to court her feelings should be taken into consideration at her age

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 06/01/2023 20:02

See if the mediator has training in speaking to children. At 12 her wishes and feelings will carry more weight.

PeppermintChoc · 06/01/2023 20:03

Suggest mediation. At 12 they’re likely to take her wishes into account so it might be worth allowing him to pursue it. Most family lawyers offer a free 30 minute consult - give one a call.

Ponoka7 · 06/01/2023 20:04

As said if he goes to court she will asked why she doesn't want to go there, you will also be asked your opinion. It would be very unlikely that she would be forced to go. She certainly wouldn't be to be left with other people, or taken to the pub. Stop thinking that he has so much power. Contact has to be in the best interest of your DD and If it is causing anxiety, then it isn't in her interest.

Ponoka7 · 06/01/2023 20:06

Just to add you need to not contact or suggest mediation, leave the next move totally up to him and respond to whatever is suggested. Stop forcing her into a situation that is destroying her MH.

PeekAtYou · 06/01/2023 20:07

Child Maintenance is reduced for overnights

She's 12, a judge would not make her go overnight if she didn't want to

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/01/2023 20:16

It could actually work in her favour - she'll have the opportunity to say how she feels and he'll have no choice but to read it in black and white.

And it'll cost him to be told that he's being a twat.

AssumingDirectControl · 06/01/2023 20:17

I’d agree with child inclusive mediation. Gives her a chance to have her voice heard and might avoid court.

MajorCarolDanvers · 06/01/2023 20:18

At 12 her views will be taken into account.

Contact needs to be in her interests. If it is harming her mental health and wellbeing she will not be forced and it will not be increased and nor will he get custody.

Original poster
SharonB2 · 06/01/2023 20:20

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 06/01/2023 20:02

See if the mediator has training in speaking to children. At 12 her wishes and feelings will carry more weight.

This is a good idea

OP posts:
Original poster
SharonB2 · 06/01/2023 20:21

Ponoka7 · 06/01/2023 20:04

As said if he goes to court she will asked why she doesn't want to go there, you will also be asked your opinion. It would be very unlikely that she would be forced to go. She certainly wouldn't be to be left with other people, or taken to the pub. Stop thinking that he has so much power. Contact has to be in the best interest of your DD and If it is causing anxiety, then it isn't in her interest.

Thanks needed to hear this
I have kept logs about this and have our emails too

iv always been frightened but maybe it needs to happen

can he refuse mediation? I’d rather do that than court if I can help
can dd be part of mediation?

OP posts:
Original poster
SharonB2 · 06/01/2023 20:22

PeekAtYou · 06/01/2023 20:07

Child Maintenance is reduced for overnights

She's 12, a judge would not make her go overnight if she didn't want to

I do t care about money I certainly wouldn’t ask for any more I only care about my little girl who is struggling right now

OP posts:
Original poster
SharonB2 · 06/01/2023 20:23

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/01/2023 20:16

It could actually work in her favour - she'll have the opportunity to say how she feels and he'll have no choice but to read it in black and white.

And it'll cost him to be told that he's being a twat.

She’s so scared of upsetting him though
she wouldn’t want to face him after and I worry it would affect their relationship but there’s nothing I can do I guess just would like to avoid court as it would worry her a lot

OP posts:
justasking111 · 06/01/2023 20:26

Well she's worried now. You're the grown up so you have to be strong for her.

LittleMousewithcloggson · 06/01/2023 20:34

He can refuse mediation but it will go against him in court
If he wants the expense of taking you to court that’s up to him
you have the logs of what happened and when
which will help you. I would also consider speaking to a dr about her anxiety - and getting her to tell the dr- about it even if it’s just so you have a record of it
She won’t be forced to stay with him and he won’t get custody but she will need to be brave enough to say she doesn’t want to. Would help if she has said that to a dr or mediator so it’s on record

Original poster
SharonB2 · 06/01/2023 20:38

LittleMousewithcloggson · 06/01/2023 20:34

He can refuse mediation but it will go against him in court
If he wants the expense of taking you to court that’s up to him
you have the logs of what happened and when
which will help you. I would also consider speaking to a dr about her anxiety - and getting her to tell the dr- about it even if it’s just so you have a record of it
She won’t be forced to stay with him and he won’t get custody but she will need to be brave enough to say she doesn’t want to. Would help if she has said that to a dr or mediator so it’s on record

Iv actually booked her counselling as she is becoming very anxious around contact

I know I have to be strong for her and do the right thing for her, it’s gone on far too long as it is

OP posts:
pinneddownbytabbies · 06/01/2023 20:50

SharonB2 · 06/01/2023 20:23

She’s so scared of upsetting him though
she wouldn’t want to face him after and I worry it would affect their relationship but there’s nothing I can do I guess just would like to avoid court as it would worry her a lot

Show quote history

No young female should be forced into anything by an adult male because she is scared of his reaction if she displeases him.

lowercaseletter · 06/01/2023 20:54

The court outcome will be based on the best interests of the child, so his contact will be reduced. Definitely tell him you agree to it.

Original poster
SharonB2 · 06/01/2023 20:56

pinneddownbytabbies · 06/01/2023 20:50

No young female should be forced into anything by an adult male because she is scared of his reaction if she displeases him.

Show quote history

I know right. But that’s what it is and it worry’s me! I hate her feeling like this constantly worried about what he thinks or his reactions before her own

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 06/01/2023 20:56

SharonB2 · 06/01/2023 20:22

I do t care about money I certainly wouldn’t ask for any more I only care about my little girl who is struggling right now

Show quote history

You said you wondered why he insisted on overnight contact. This could be why.

girlmom21 · 06/01/2023 20:58

Tell him if he feels that he needs a judge to tell him to respect his daughters feelings rather than being able to work that out for himself, that's unfortunate but is ok. DD will see him when she's ready.

Let him go to court. Let's be honest, he probably won't. And if he does, nobody's going to force a 12 year old to go for contact to a parent who's hardly there and takes her on inappropriate late nights out when he is.

RoseslnTheHospital · 06/01/2023 21:00

He is affecting their relationship already, it's him that's causing the issues by insisting on contact on his terms only and ignoring the needs of your DD. If he was able to listen to her and change what he does so she's not left with people she doesn't know or dragged to a pub then he would be able to maintain a relationship with her. Don't think it's your fault for not going along with his demands.

CorvusPurpureus · 06/01/2023 21:06

Is he both making her go to bed at 7.30 (way too early for a 12yo!) but also on other occasions carting her out to late nights for family partying?

I would keep a diary of when she reports this.

It's all evidence that contact is not about dd & her need to see her father.

gonnabeok · 06/01/2023 21:10

See the GP and ask them to record her anxiety/ reasons for it. Ask school if she is struggling as a result of it at school. Just been through the same situation. My dd is 12. Court would not enforce her seeing her dad as it caused her severe anxiety and said she was old enough to make up her own mind. You could suggest reduced contact maybe a few hours in the daytime for now possibly or involve a mediator.

toocold54 · 06/01/2023 21:13

Let him take legal action.

The worst thing that can happen is that he’ll be granted overnights, which is what happens now.

I would tell him that he is free to go down the legal route but that it’s a shame he’s not putting his DD’s feelings first.
And that her not wanting to sleep at his is probably just a phase that she will soon grow out of on her own but by forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do could run the risk of pushing her away forever.

I would stay polite and keep everything about her feelings.
If these are over messages you can also use them as evidence if you ever need to.