Scared DD father has threatened legal action

[SharonB2]

dd 12 has always struggled staying away from home with her dad I have alway pushed apart from
in covid if my dd really struggled then I have cancelled

for the past year every weekend is horrendous she is tearful anxious and says she’s unwel so much of the time
on top of that she said her dad was out a lot which he was and she was left with his wife or his wife’s sister and parents (we didn’t know that was the plan) or his family (I’m ok with this) dd has started to develop anxiety about this as well as the fact that they also went to Lita of drinking events with children and walked back late at night etc
i asked if dd could stay at home if those situations were to take place

dd really struggled today tearful anxious
I again messaged him and he responded with he will need to take legal action

can someone advise me what will happen? Have messages with request of mediation but no response now I’m feeling fearful that by saying someone it could end up worse for my daughter ie would he get custody or would they say she needs more contact? Ok beside myself woth worry and he won’t answer me now

fyi - I have always encouraged her to go and if she struggled would get up early to take her abs collect her or similar so she gets to see him but in a way that puts her at ease.
i have suggested contact in a different way with more time but with less sleepovers
also dd says she gets put to bed very early like 7.30 so I feel confused why sleepovers are a must?

Him refusing mediation will massively go against him.
Just reiterate that your DD will not be seeing him if she is not happy doing so - you will not force her. Then let him take it to court.

I feel bad even sending her tomorrow in the day but I’m worried I’ll look unreasonable she is worried about snide remarks

If she is anxious and worried, and your ex won't listen to what she's saying about why, then it's not unreasonable for her to stay with you.

I have a friend whose then 12 year old daughter told her she didn't want to go to her Dad's anymore like your DD she was afraid at the time to tell her Dad. She's now 14 she managed to be honest with her Dad but he turned it round on my friend and told everyone that she was stopping his daughter from seeing him. He's a joke and now has no relationship with his daughter. He could have listened and resolved things but chose to dig his heels in. He still sends messages saying he's going to take my friend to court 🙄

If your daughter refuses to go then don't send her, why should she feel anxious and be forced to spend time with him?

That’s so sad
I think the same but I’m made to feel like a bad parent like I’m not being firm enough

But there’s no way I’m sending if she’s like this

Thing is people use court as a threat but often it’s meaningless - it doesn’t mean it will go in their favour and often doesn’t. Especially not in a best interest decision like this.

My DH’s ex always used to threaten seeing her solicitor fast forward to when he met me, a solicitor, and she’s stopped that now - most of what she said was utter BS and she thought threatening legal action added weight to her argument. Ultimately if your argument is flawed in law the courts won’t help you .

Thanks iv stopped feeling so scared now thanks to everyone’s replies I can quite clearly evidence everything I have done is in my daughters best interest, which I don’t think is the case in his position. I think there was about 6 weeks running he wasn’t even there having prioritised just social events so now im thinking actually I do want to go to court

I’m going through a similar thing (or the potential for it) at the moment with my 5 year old, and my solicitor told me that what I need is a ‘child inclusive’ mediator. They are trained in making sure that the child’s voice and preferences are fully heard and not influenced. I would wait for him to follow through on his threat, and in the meantime keep protecting and advocating for your girl - and find which mediators in your area are child inclusive mediators so you know who to go to if it comes to it. Most threats of court and legal action are empty posturing, intended to intimidate you, as I’ve found out over the last five years of dealing with my EXH. Chin up love, you’ve got this.

I agree with other posters Op and this could be in her best interests.

Perhaps send him something saying you think formalising contact is a great idea since she's becoming so anxious about overnight visits. Say you'll get the ball rolling with mediation and in the meantime stick to daytime visits until she is more comfortable to extend them to overnights. I would then offer him all the dates he can see her for daytime or after school.

Your DDs mental health trumps his need to have her overnight (which I agree is to reduce his CM payments if he's not even there!)

The only one who should be scared, is him.

If you go to mediation with your evidence that he wasn’t even with her for six weeks of her visits, and a daughter who is desperately anxious about seeing him because of the drinking and her being dumped with random people, he’s not going to look good. At all.

I don’t think Court would be a bad thing tbh
big process
but people independent for you all navigates it
at 12 your daughter would have input in it

If your DD feels comfortable enough to speak openly to the counsellor they could help be her voice if she feels too anxious to speak to a mediator. Write a letter detailing what DD wants and what they think's is in her best interests.

Thanks all I’m starting I feel much better about this and actually feel it needs to happen

I would love her to have her voice heard and listened to I’m scared it wouldn’t be
she has told me so many times she dreads weekends, it just can’t go on anymore. I feel horrifickly guilty for allowing it to get to this point and her feeling this way abs when I think about why it’s because iv been scared too and trying to avoid big scary court like iv been threatened with but actually it will hopefully be ok

I hope so I just want her to say her true feelings but I do know she finds it difficult as she doesn’t want to upset he or his partner. There’s a lot guilt out on her sometimes including how it affects his younger one when dd doesn’t go. She also feels that sometimes remarks are made about her not wanting to come and it makes her feel bad.

It might be worth speaking to someone at school, so that they are aware, and they will keep records as part of their safeguarding. If Dd tells a teacher/ Senco about any of the incidents, or talks about how anxious this is making her, then there is someone other than you to give evidence,if required,for a court case. It might do DD some good to talk to a third party anyway.

I don't think you can bypass mediation and go straight to court. You have to prove mediation hasn't worked to get your day in court. (I think, based on what my brother went through. His ex didn't "agree" with the mediation agreement and didn't comply with it so he was then able to prove this and take her to court to have weekends with his child.)

In your situation I think mediation could help your daughter, at 12 they will listen to her and come up with an agreement that suits her better hopefully. Although a mediation agreement isn't legally binding, only a court order is. (Something else I learned from my brother's situation.) It would be incredibly expensive for him to take this to court too, so if he doesn't have thousands of pounds I wouldn't even worry about it.

I don’t think he has to worry as it wouldn’t be from his money it’s funded!
all I want is for her voice to be heard and to feel like she can look forward to her weekends and be happy! Iv always said her relationship with her dad is important but it feels like it’s at a cost to herself right now