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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reasonable to skip a friend’s milestone birthday for a bad cough?

49 replies

BoadiceaOverall · 06/01/2023 18:33

More of a WWYD really. This might sound like a crazy question but I’m second-guessing myself a lot and probably need some perspective.

I had Covid over Christmas, have been testing negative for over a week and mostly feel better, but have been left with a very heavy bronchitis-type racking cough. It’s violent and exhausting and has been messing with my sleep bigtime. (I have asthma, normally under control but any kind of respiratory event, even a cold, ends in me coughing madly for at least a couple of weeks afterwards - I’m a lifelong non-smoker, but when I get going you’d think I was on 100 a day.)

The cough had seemed to be improving, but today it’s been relentless and I’ve barely stopped coughing from mid-morning till now. I’m supposed to travel to a friend’s milestone birthday party tomorrow, 130 miles away.

Driving there isn’t an issue as DH will be doing it, but obviously it doesn't feel like it's in my interest to go if I’m still like this tomorrow. I’m just really worried about upsetting my friend as she tends to be very much a ‘pull yourself together and do it anyway’ type when it comes to things like illness/fatigue/poor sleep, and I don’t think she’s going to get it. I find that sometimes people who aren’t prone to this themselves really don’t get it, I think they think a cough is just a bit of an irritating tickle or something, suck a cough sweet and it’ll be gone etc. (A former workmate once asked me ‘why I was coughing’, seeming oblivious to the fact that it was completely out of my control.)

I’m wondering if this is the sort of thing most people would understand as an acceptable reason for a no-show at an important celebration? Might sound like a strange question, but my friend seems to have gone a bit Partyzilla about this event and seems absolutely determined that every single one of her friends should attend, and she’s already been a bit icy with me because I said I couldn’t get down there earlier in the day to attend a pre-event that’s happening in the daytime before the party. I’m a bit p’d off about that, but at the same time she’s usually a good friend and I don’t want to hurt her feelings or think I’ve cancelled on a spurious excuse.

DH thinks I’m mad and should just cancel, but I’m struggling to make a decision that will involve letting down/disappointing a friend who’s important to me. That sounds a bit pathetic, but due to various past events I do have difficulty setting boundaries for myself (I suffer from anxiety which doesn’t help) so would welcome perspectives.

If you were the friend in question, would you consider this a valid reason for not turning up?

YABU - suck it up and go
YANBU - take care of yourself and stay home

OP posts:
Season0fTheWitch · 06/01/2023 18:35

If you go, can you rest the day after? It's unlikely to make you more ill and you can rest on the drive there.

If you really feel unwell, she'll have to get a grip and deal with you not being there.

Londonlondon6 · 06/01/2023 18:39

Hmm I think I’d go unless I felt terrible.

It’s a milestone birthdays so presumably not another for 10 years and it’d mean a lot to your friend. Don’t drink, leave after an hour?

Londonlondon6 · 06/01/2023 18:40

Oof just noticed it’s 130 miles away. That’s a commitment!

Roundabout78 · 06/01/2023 18:42

Yeah I would make every effort to go tbh. Unless I was bedridden, i wouldn’t let my friend down.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 06/01/2023 18:44

YABU

Overthebow · 06/01/2023 18:50

I’d go if it’s a milestone birthday.

Original poster
BoadiceaOverall · 06/01/2023 19:18

Londonlondon6 · 06/01/2023 18:40

Oof just noticed it’s 130 miles away. That’s a commitment!

Yep, that's the difficulty! I'd definitely try to go if it was closer.

OP posts:
IntentionalError · 06/01/2023 19:22

YABU. For the milestone birthday celebration of a close friend, I would suck it up & go. If you are clearly & obviously unwell, nobody will expect you to stay all night.

NeverGonnaNot · 06/01/2023 19:27

I’d hate it if I was there and someone turned up coughing and spluttering everywhere. I think you should cancel!

Andsoforth · 06/01/2023 19:32

Dh suffers from a post viral cough that sounds a lot like yours. It’s very hard on anyone in earshot. I think you’ll be judged for staying at home, and judged for coming. So suit yourself!

ToWhitToWhoo · 06/01/2023 19:34

YANBU. (1) You could have caught something else on top of the original COVID- there are lots of respiratory bugs going around at the moment- and best not to spread them if avoidable; (2) You won't enjoy yourself much and could delay your recovery - and this is a big party; not a personal meeting where your individual presence might be more vital. A good friend should understand. It goes without saying that you should send apologies in advance, and not just fail to turn up; and should send a nice present; and arrange to meet when you are better.

Double0FeckingBollocks · 07/01/2023 08:27

If you're not well enough, don't go. If she kicks up a fuss, that says more about her than it does you.

queenofthebongo · 07/01/2023 08:33

Personally I would text your friend and warn her. Then ask her if she still wants you to come with the hacking cough. She might say no! Otherwise warn her that you'll be there but if for long.

Shinyredbicycle · 07/01/2023 08:43

Good grief. 130 mile round trip with a hacking cough? No way.

Facetime friend today saying how gutted you are.

Take care.

Poppins17 · 07/01/2023 08:50

YANBU

This year I’ve decided to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty... this scenario is exactly one I’d be faced with and would have previously felt the need to put others first… You’re clearly not well enough to travel 130 miles to attend.

If your friend was a true friend she would understand, you two can celebrate in a few weeks time once you are better.

Put yourself first, get better and then made plans to celebrate.

smileladiesplease · 07/01/2023 08:55

Face time her do she can see you are unwell snd tell her you are still testing positive for covid!! That should put her off. The cough is epic I had it too lost covid keep up your fluids and rest

Mindymomo · 07/01/2023 08:56

We spent Boxing Day with someone who was clearly ill, it really spoiled it for everyone else. This person then came to us NYE when we thought she would be better, but she coughed continually all night long, how we’ve managed to avoid catching it I don’t know. DH and DS have said we’ve got to do something different next year as this happens every year someone is ill and say it’s ok I taken medication. This person did pass it on to her DF who is quite ill in bed and did the right thing in staying away for NYE.

lightand · 07/01/2023 08:59

Think you have to go to this one.

BarrelOfOtters · 07/01/2023 09:00

I’d white lie and say you’ve vaught another virus and it’s knocked you for 6. Genuinely just happened to us, covid then second virus ove4 Christmas,like you it always goes to my chest. I’ve not been anywhere…

User0610134057 · 07/01/2023 09:02

I’m not sure
i think it depends how unwell you feel with it, but if you decide you’re not up to it I wouldn’t say it’s because of a ‘bad cough’ because that sounds flakey tbh.
i would say it’s because you’re not well, not over covid, post viral whatever, bad chest etc

Sparkletastic · 07/01/2023 09:02

Have you got overnight accommodation? I was in a very similar position just before Christmas - friend's milestone birthday, distance away, me suffering with asthma and bronchitis. DH and I attended but only stayed a couple of hours, spent quality time with birthday girl, then quietly exited and went back to our B&B. Felt we'd made the effort but didn't exhaust myself.

Paq · 07/01/2023 09:05

YANBU. If she's a friend she'll understand.

Streamingbannersofdawn · 07/01/2023 09:10

Definitely don't go. It's 130 miles, you won't enjoy it, frankly people won't enjoy being around you. The fact your DH thinks you are mad should give you some perspective.

Milestone or not if a friend is angry you can't come because you are I'll then they aren't a friend...or that nice a person really.

LaLoba · 07/01/2023 09:13

OP, I’ve had to miss many social events over the last decade due to MS - it feels awkward when friends know I’m a fit person who exercises daily to tell them I’m not coming because of severe fatigue, or even sometimes because the journey will cause me pain and take days or weeks to recover from.

I’ve only lost one friend, the controlling one who appeared to think she was some kind of saint for having a friend with MS. (You feeling worried about cancelling and your friend’s reaction sounds depressingly familiar to me!)

The rest of my friends react with kindness if I have to cancel, and instructions to look after myself. Real, grown up friends would put your wellbeing first in this situation in my opinion.

Alexandra2001 · 07/01/2023 09:18

Roundabout78 · 06/01/2023 18:42

Yeah I would make every effort to go tbh. Unless I was bedridden, i wouldn’t let my friend down.

Well, i would value my friends health more.

Just because a relatively unreliable LFT says negative, if you ve still symptoms and constant coughing is not good, you may still be able to pass on whatever you ve got.

Having had covid for over 4 weeks now, i certainly would not go to a party, i go through stages of negative and positive, with tightness of chest and coughing too.

A good friend will be more than understanding.