Reasonable to skip a friend’s milestone birthday for a bad cough?

[BoadiceaOverall]

More of a WWYD really. This might sound like a crazy question but I’m second-guessing myself a lot and probably need some perspective.

I had Covid over Christmas, have been testing negative for over a week and mostly feel better, but have been left with a very heavy bronchitis-type racking cough. It’s violent and exhausting and has been messing with my sleep bigtime. (I have asthma, normally under control but any kind of respiratory event, even a cold, ends in me coughing madly for at least a couple of weeks afterwards - I’m a lifelong non-smoker, but when I get going you’d think I was on 100 a day.)

The cough had seemed to be improving, but today it’s been relentless and I’ve barely stopped coughing from mid-morning till now. I’m supposed to travel to a friend’s milestone birthday party tomorrow, 130 miles away.

Driving there isn’t an issue as DH will be doing it, but obviously it doesn't feel like it's in my interest to go if I’m still like this tomorrow. I’m just really worried about upsetting my friend as she tends to be very much a ‘pull yourself together and do it anyway’ type when it comes to things like illness/fatigue/poor sleep, and I don’t think she’s going to get it. I find that sometimes people who aren’t prone to this themselves really don’t get it, I think they think a cough is just a bit of an irritating tickle or something, suck a cough sweet and it’ll be gone etc. (A former workmate once asked me ‘why I was coughing’, seeming oblivious to the fact that it was completely out of my control.)

I’m wondering if this is the sort of thing most people would understand as an acceptable reason for a no-show at an important celebration? Might sound like a strange question, but my friend seems to have gone a bit Partyzilla about this event and seems absolutely determined that every single one of her friends should attend, and she’s already been a bit icy with me because I said I couldn’t get down there earlier in the day to attend a pre-event that’s happening in the daytime before the party. I’m a bit p’d off about that, but at the same time she’s usually a good friend and I don’t want to hurt her feelings or think I’ve cancelled on a spurious excuse.

DH thinks I’m mad and should just cancel, but I’m struggling to make a decision that will involve letting down/disappointing a friend who’s important to me. That sounds a bit pathetic, but due to various past events I do have difficulty setting boundaries for myself (I suffer from anxiety which doesn’t help) so would welcome perspectives.

If you were the friend in question, would you consider this a valid reason for not turning up?

YABU - suck it up and go
YANBU - take care of yourself and stay home

I don't think you should go. If you think she'll react negatively to you saying you have a cough, then say you're really unwell - weak, dizzy, whatever. At the end of the day, you're just one party guest - it's not like you're the chief bridesmaid at a wedding!

I had similar post-covid. Ended up on oral steroids I wouldn't go. Get well soon.

I’d go. I only don’t attend things if I have covid or bedridden.
when I get a cough I cough for weeks - and it’s horrible, but I still
go about my business.
if you’re negative then you’re not infectious.

Your friend might want you to go but the other guests won’t!

Stay home. Of course you don't attend a party when you have a horrible cough. That would be really inconsiderate.

A good friend would be disappointed but would understand if a friend was too unwell to attend an event. They wouldn't want to make their friend feel more unwell.

I would make every effort to go. Especially if someone else is willing to do the driving.

It's a little bit of a sensitive subject for me though... My best friend didn't come to my 30th celebrations, because "she was feeling queezy."

If I were your friend I would be delighted that you weren’t bringing your cough to my party.
I hope you feel better soon.

So it's just the drive that's stopping you? But you did say the drive wasn't an issue as your DH is doing that. If it was just the drive you're questioning, I would 100% still go

Double0FeckingBollocks · Today 08:27
If you're not well enough, don't go. If she kicks up a fuss, that says more about her than it does you.“

This. I’d hate for someone I cared about struggling through, tired and in great discomfort, on my behalf.

I tend to get coughs that go on for weeks and I've got the post Covid one now . I've had some success using a saline rinse the last couple of days and found a cough syrup that was meant for lingering coughs - that really helps.

But I wouldn't go to a party right now, I don't need to get more Ill. Stay at home!

Don't go. You're clearly still unwell. None of the other guests will appreciate you showing up with such a nasty cough. Your friend may well be disappointed and even frustrated, it IS disappointing when people cancel. It's part of life though, and you don't have to martyr yourself to save people's feelings. I would call or Facetime her rather than texting. Could you offer to take her out for lunch or something at another time? Get well soon x

DH thinks I’m mad and should just cancel

I agree with DH. Anyone who puts your attendance at a party over your health and recovery, do that they might complain about you looking after yourself by staying away, doesn't deserve your friendship

I sincerely hope that it's just you thinking you should drag yourself there, and not anyone putting pressure on you to turn up.

Go back to bed, get better then maybe arrange to meet up. All the best.

Don't go, you are ill. If she is annoyed because you didn't turn up rather than concerned about you she isn't much of a friend.
You aren't letting her down. What difference would it actually make it you don't go she will still have the party. All it means is you will feel worse People can get parties out of all perspective your health is more important

I wouldn't go. Let your friend know and don't feel guilty. A real friend would tell you to look after yourself and feel better soon.
When I had covid for the second time last year I developed a nasty chest infection a couple of weeks after and needed 3 lots of different antibiotics to clear it. GP said it was something they had been seeing a lot of, so maybe worth getting checked out.

Don't go. Just because you aren't testing positive to covid, doesn't mean you aren't spreading other, non covid-y germs around. If she kicks up a fuss she's not worthy of your friendship. Your health and recovery is more important than one person missing her party.
Covid affects us all in different ways and can keep on affecting us long after the initial infection, especially if we don't take care of ourselves. And you already have health issues. Take care of yourself.

Agree with previous posts that you could make yourself much worse post covid, and it could have long lasting implications. Can't you say you are too unwell with your asthma, which is true? Could easily be or turn into bronchitis/pneumonia and long covid.

I would hate for any of my friends to feel they had to come to an event of mine or risk upsetting me. I would also feel very uncomfortable at a party where someone was wracked with violent coughing and think they were being both idiotic and inconsiderate.

I came on to say its the illness thats affected your judgement to even consider going but on reading the responses, I'm a bit shocked at the number of people that consider an adults party more important than their friends health. If was just feeling under the weather with the sniffles or a hwadache (or queasy with a hangover) I'd go, but thats not what you describe.
You sound like you still ill and you should rest, reccover and catch up with your friend when you're feeling better - if you were my friend its what I would want you to do.

I am in the same boat and could do it. The distance is the issue, and a lack of sleep from the constant coughing. Cancel and be honest about your reasons, and make it up to her in the spring when you are better.
No one is going to want to sit next to someone so obviously ill either!
I am finding I am so tired, this could set you back.
If it were my birthday I would not want you to come, and would rather you rested. She will understand.

Get well soon

If it was 10 mins away you could pop in and stay for a drink, but it is too far.

Quick update: thankfully the cough is quite a lot better today so far, so I'm en route, but have filled my friend in about the cough in case it worsens later and I have to leave early. She was sympathetic and said not to worry. Got a room in the hotel the do's being held in, so worst case scenario I can excuse myself quite easily, hoping it won't come to that though! 🤞

Well done OP. How did it go and how do you feel today?

It went well, thanks - miraculously the cough stayed away until the end of the evening when I think venue staff opened a door somewhere (change of air temperature always makes me cough due to my asthma) but as it was the end of the night, I was able to make my excuses and head back to the room.

I think I'm paying for it slightly now as the cough is back 😣but not as bad as it was. I'm just going to stay home/keep warm (thankfully I wfh) and hopefully it will run its course soon. I'm glad I was able to go.

Good news! Glad you got to go to the party