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Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

All friends are pregnant, or having insensitive conversations

46 replies

Hooverthestairs · 06/01/2023 17:22

I have one child who is an absolute blessing. Have been trying tor another for 2 years and have known fertility issues. Undergoing fertility treatment. Suffered one loss a year ago.
Finding it all very difficult at the moment.

Absolutely all of my friends, except one, are either pregnant, or recently had babies. I am happy for all of them but I do feel particularly rubbish at the same time. It seems like I cannot escape my own thoughts and sadness about the fact we are struggling. I have not hidden how I am feeling about things and have given everyone a heads up.
Friends are also being a bit insensitive...
Examples
Friend sending me bump pictures every week with no other context than sharing the bump photo, the hardest to stomach photo was sent on the date I would have had the baby that I lost. I am happy that they are having a baby because I don't want others to feel how I feel...but I don't need it in my face all the time.

Met 3 friends who were all talking about how horrendous it would be to be accidentally pregnant because they get pregnant so easily, and they dare not go near their husbands because of it. "I'll give you a baby if I accidentally have one" was a jokey comment in my direction.

Other friend found out she was pregnant and text me to say how awful it was. She is keeping the baby and now very excited about it.

Family members saying we are lucky we haven't been successful having more because having more than one kid is horrible.

I don't want to be the resentful friend.
I don't want to completely narrow my social circle.
I don't want to stop the child we do have seeing people she enjoys the company of, those relationships are important to her.

But it seems like whenever we see anyone, I go home and cry.

I know that kids are hard work and having 2 might be stressful. I totally get people being excited about their own pregnancies and I am pleased for them they're having more children. I am so, so grateful for the child we have.
I just don't know how to deal with the things I am feeling.

Any advice?

OP posts:

beachmum1 · 06/01/2023 17:24

No advice, I just want to say i am really sorry they are not being more sensitive to your situation. X

LimeTwists · 06/01/2023 17:25

They should be more sensitive. They clearly think that because you have a child already, you won’t be deeply affected by worries about struggling to conceive so you’ll probably have to spell it out.

nbchyj · 06/01/2023 17:28

You need better friends, these people sound awful.

SquashPenguin · 06/01/2023 17:40

I have been trying for my first for five years now. I’ve had three failed rounds of IVF including one loss, and the jealousy I feel of those who are pregnant is off the scale. I’ve cut multiple people out of my life for talking incessantly about their pregnancies and babies, not to be nasty to them but to protect myself. Yes I’m sure it’s a wonderful conversation to be involved in, but it’s so incredibly hurtful to those who can’t be a part of it.

You aren’t being unreasonable at all. It’s incredibly hard. I expect to some degree they aren’t thinking about how it’s affecting you because you already have one baby. Not that that makes it ok of course, but from personal experience people tend to tread more carefully around primary infertility x

Ruffpuff · 06/01/2023 17:45

I was going to say yabu (assuming it was going to be just general pregnancy chat) until I saw that a friend is sending you unnecessary bump pictures. Honestly, that’s an arsehole thing to do.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/01/2023 17:48

Do you have other friendships you can invest in? Bump photos are ridiculous, I doubt even her mother wants to see that. But people can be a bit send centred when they’ve had an easy ride of ttc and in their first pregnancy.

If you think back to when you had your DC were you constantly aware of what other people were going through or were you also in a lovely pregnancy bubble? While you’ve shared your current ttc woes it’s possible they think as you have a child already you won’t find things as hard as you actually do.

We had a crap time getting our DD, not infertility but multiple losses over years. It’s shit but pregnancy isn’t a zero sum game and I didn’t find other peoples pregnancies any reflection on my own experience and was happy for them, though I know not everyone in the trenches feels the same.

GinaGina22 · 06/01/2023 17:49

Gosh you are not being unreasonable at all. I never comment on these posts - just here to read! But this really got me. Your friends are either horrendously insensitive and cruel or horrendously insensitive and careless. I'm so sorry. X

ICanHideButICantRun · 06/01/2023 17:51

You should have picked your friend up on sending a bump photo on your anniversary. That's really awful of her to send them anyway, never mind on such a sensitive day.

readingismycardio · 06/01/2023 17:51

I get it, OP. Just know that your feelings are valid and you have the obligation to make sure YOU are okay, so unfollow, mute, ignore as necessary.

readingismycardio · 06/01/2023 17:52

Sorry, pressed send too soon. I am sorry to hear about your loss. I had a loss myself in early November and it's still raw.

Stressedmum2017 · 06/01/2023 17:52

With friends like those who needs enemies, as the saying goes!

ScreamingInfidelities · 06/01/2023 17:55

Oh! I read the title and I was ready to say YABU as you can’t expect your friend to stop talking about their pregnancies because of your issues BUT then I read what they’ve been saying! Bloody awful! Do you have other friends you could invest more of your time in and see these people less?

JustMerkinYourChain · 06/01/2023 18:01

Was thinking I’d say YABU but actually, you’re not, they’re being really insensitive, and they also sound a bit boring?!

TitoMojito · 06/01/2023 18:01

I think you just need to be straight with them and say "you know I want another child, you know I'm having fertility issues, and sending me your bump photos/talking about how easily you get pregnant/offering me one of your accidental babies(?????) is really insensitive and I'd rather you stopped doing that."

Original poster

Hooverthestairs · 06/01/2023 18:12

Thank you so much to all of you. I feel so alone at the moment. DH understands but as its me with the health issues that mean I struggle to get pregnant, I feel so much guilt that he doesn't really understand. He is sympathetic and there for me but I still feel alone.

In regards to other friendships, I have a social circle of about 6 close friends. 5 out of 6 of them are doing this. I don't want to overwhelm the one that isn't but I do see her every couple of weeks and speak to her daily.

All of DHs friends have also recently had babies and some close family members are being just as insensitive.
It's so hard.

I feel like if I do what I need to do and spare myself a lot of this, I'll be ending most friendships and also distancing myself from family. This would also be detrimental to DC1 who enjoys seeing cousins and friends. Which is especially important to me as no sibling.

To be honest I tried not to plaster it everywhere. It had taken us a long time to have DC1, so I didn't do a big social media announcement, I told friends in a casual way, I didn't share bump photos around. Although I didn't know what everyone was going through, I knew how hard it had been trying to have DC1 and didnt want to run the risk of upsetting anyone that may have been going through the same.

OP posts:

Lavender14 · 06/01/2023 18:12

TitoMojito · 06/01/2023 18:01

I agree with this. I think the best plan of action is to be very direct with them. It does sound like because you already have a child they're maybe not taking the difficulties you are having as seriously as they should. There's really no excuse for it, I don't know why someone would feel the need to send a weekly bump pic either that's a little over the top. Do you make jokes to help manage your feelings about what's happening? I'm just wondering if you've used humour to navigate it and they've thought it's OK for them to joke/make comments too, not understanding that you can use humour because it's your struggle but they can't without it being disrespectful. I think that being open with them gives them a chance to really hear how you're feeling and to amend how they're doing things and have a bit more compassion. I do think if you've other friends it would be worth spending more time with them or maybe do some things to enjoy like a new hobby where you can broaden your social circle and then decide how much to want to share with people.

Original poster

Hooverthestairs · 06/01/2023 18:17

Do you make jokes to help manage your feelings about what's happening? I'm just wondering if you've used humour to navigate it and they've thought it's OK for them to joke/make comments too, not understanding that you can use humour because it's your struggle but they can't without it being disrespectful.

No not really. I have let them all know I am having a hard time, told them whats going on with fertility treatment, outside of me just sort of letting them know I haven't brought it up or said anything else about it.

When I mentioned fertility treatment one even jumped in and said I could have all of her eggs because they're "too good" and she keeps getting pregnant (I am nowhere near to point of egg donation and probably wouldn't even go for that to be honest). And after I was visibly upset never asked me if I was ok or anything - just changed subject. I went home.

OP posts:

NUTELLAPEANUTBUTTTTEERRRRRRR · 06/01/2023 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NewHopeNow · 06/01/2023 19:27

I thought I would say yabu but you're really not. A friend who knows what you're going through saying they'll give you a baby if they accidentally have one is absolutely awful and I'm sure that hurt a lot.

If we're being generous I'm assuming they may think that because you've successfully had one child that it's only a matter of time before you do actually have a second successful pregnancy. But as you know, it doesn't make the hurt and worry any less for you.

You could approach this in a few different ways but the next time someone said something as hurtful I don't think I'd wait until I got home to cry. I think they may need a clue that's as subtle as a brick.

All the best op.

MindatWork · 06/01/2023 19:34

I am 🤬 at your last update op, that is shockingly insensitive verging into arsehole territory. I honestly can’t imagine one of my friends saying that to me (and I can imagine how you feel as we only have 1 DD after 5 rounds of ivf and I’d dearly love a second but can’t).

You need new friends - I’d be seriously distancing myself if I were you. You need t put yourself first (and give yourself permission to do so - even if that means losing them as friends or them getting shitty with you).

💐

Original poster

Hooverthestairs · 06/01/2023 19:56

Other people are aloud to be happy, you’ve got one child stop dragging others down and be happy for them.

I am assuming you haven't read my first post given that I have said I am happy for my friends who are expecting/had babies, but what I'm not happy about are people joking about how awful it would be to accidently get pregnant, joking about giving me their babies that they don't want, and sending me 300000 bump photos?

OP posts:

Eastie77Returns · 06/01/2023 20:01

Your friends are arseholes.

I have 2 children and I find it hard at times. I never say that in front of my friend who is going through secondary infertility at the moment (unexplained).

Original poster

Hooverthestairs · 06/01/2023 20:01

Thank-you for everyone offering words of support and advice, I am grateful. I don't have many people I can talk to about this.

You might be right that maybe they aren't taking it as seriously because I already have one child.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hooverthestairs · 06/01/2023 20:04

I have 2 children and I find it hard at times. I never say that in front of my friend who is going through secondary infertility at the moment (unexplained).

That is really considerate of you. Over Christmas we met up with lots of family, all who had 2 or 3 children. Almost all of them complained to us about the children, how awful it is having two, "If you do ever manage to have another one be aware that it is shit" I believe was one thing we were told.

I know that being a parent of two is probably really tough and feeling that stress is valid. It is nice of you not to mention that to your friend though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hooverthestairs · 06/01/2023 20:06

SquashPenguin sending hugs and I'm sorry you are going through what you are going through x

OP posts:

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