All friends are pregnant, or having insensitive conversations

[Hooverthestairs]

I have one child who is an absolute blessing. Have been trying tor another for 2 years and have known fertility issues. Undergoing fertility treatment. Suffered one loss a year ago.
Finding it all very difficult at the moment.

Absolutely all of my friends, except one, are either pregnant, or recently had babies. I am happy for all of them but I do feel particularly rubbish at the same time. It seems like I cannot escape my own thoughts and sadness about the fact we are struggling. I have not hidden how I am feeling about things and have given everyone a heads up.
Friends are also being a bit insensitive...
Examples
Friend sending me bump pictures every week with no other context than sharing the bump photo, the hardest to stomach photo was sent on the date I would have had the baby that I lost. I am happy that they are having a baby because I don't want others to feel how I feel...but I don't need it in my face all the time.

Met 3 friends who were all talking about how horrendous it would be to be accidentally pregnant because they get pregnant so easily, and they dare not go near their husbands because of it. "I'll give you a baby if I accidentally have one" was a jokey comment in my direction.

Other friend found out she was pregnant and text me to say how awful it was. She is keeping the baby and now very excited about it.

Family members saying we are lucky we haven't been successful having more because having more than one kid is horrible.

I don't want to be the resentful friend.
I don't want to completely narrow my social circle.
I don't want to stop the child we do have seeing people she enjoys the company of, those relationships are important to her.

But it seems like whenever we see anyone, I go home and cry.

I know that kids are hard work and having 2 might be stressful. I totally get people being excited about their own pregnancies and I am pleased for them they're having more children. I am so, so grateful for the child we have.
I just don't know how to deal with the things I am feeling.

Any advice?

Yup they're being insensitive. I'm sorry, this is crap.

Can you talk to them individually? Explain how it feels?

You can reduce your social circle or ask to receive fewer messages, or stop reading them. You do not need insensitive friends particularly at this time. Find friends like me who do not get pregnant easily! 🙂

"I'll give you a baby if I accidentally have one"

Are you for real? A real human actually said that to you?

I think they are being a little insensitive but it's probably not done with malice. I think you need to be straight with them and send them a message saying how you feel.

Fwiw I was in the same position as you. 1 dc through ivf then couldn't have anymore. My friends then started to have babies (I was the first by 5 years). 2 got 'accidentally' pregnant with seconds quite quickly after first. They were genuinely struggling with the pregnancies and how they'd cope. I supported them even though I was jealous. They 'moaned' about how hard it was and I listened. Post births both of their dh's have had the snip as they 'got pregnant so easily'. I'm pretty thick skinned and pragmatic about things so tried not to overthink it. Fast forward a few years. I have my dd and they have 2 toddlers. I am so grateful for what I do have and how easy my life is. 2 toddlers looks horrendous from my perspective.
If you don't have any more, and I hope you are successful, life with 1 is lovely and totally under rated.

Are you for real? A real human actually said that to you?

2 weeks after I'd lost a baby that I struggled to get pregnant with - you couldn't make it up!

The one who said you could have all her eggs as they are "too good" , I mean honestly just wow. Do you really think she is your friend saying something like that? Sounds like a self obsessed arsehole to me, and no-one checked whether you were alright afterwards? Proper friends would be more supportive than this.
I would try and expand your friendship circle. I guess you don't have to cut them all off but if you take up a hobby or something and make some new connections you may find some better friendships in time.

I agree with PP be really blunt i.e. don't send me bump photos it's upsetting, don't joke about giving babies away. If it carries on despite you saying something they are not your friends. I think you need to be just as blunt with family. And have some alternative topics up your sleeve and swiftly change the subject. I know it's hard. X

YANBU. How awful and inconsiderate of your "friends". I understand staying friends with them for DC but if they can be that insensitive they aren't genuine friends. Perhaps they feel that because you already have one it isn't as bad, but in my experience secondary infertilty brings its own, different pain. Part of the reason that I wanted a second is because DC1 is so fantastic, I felt like I knew what I was missing out on and also if you have one already you make play dates and once you're doing the school run there's no escaping seeing siblings and new babies. You're surrounded by something that you desperately want but are struggling (and possibly losing hope) that you'll have all the time and that's without having your face rubbed in it like they are doing. No advice I'm afraid just sympathy what a horrible situation to be in.

These people all sound self-involved like dicks, who sends weekly bump pictures to their friends, let alone ones struggling with fertility issues?!

I’m sorry for your loss and your struggles OP.

Do you really think she is your friend saying something like that?

I do think about this. Outside of these conversations we do get on and our children love seeing each other. I feel like it would be unfair on DC. The guilt to maintain regular contain with other children outside of school due to lack of siblings is high.

When I started reading your post I was going to say people are allowed to be excited about their own pregnancies, you don't know what struggle people have gone through to fall/stay pregnant, and also you may know people who find it hard to hear you talk about your one DC if they have none.

However, the examples of behaviour and comments you've given do sound really unusually insensitive. They don't sound like good friends to you. If you want to keep these people around, I do agree that you need to explain to them how their behaviour has made you feel, or they'll just keep at it and it will keep making you feel awful.

OP - you don’t need to explain yourself to posters like this, being deliberately obtuse (I’m being very kind here). Please just ignore those posters.

I don't think they sound awful. Joking really isn't appropriate but l feel it's unreasonable to expect them to not mention stuff baby related because it's not happening for you. If you was say single would you expect them to not mention their partners. I think leaving you out would be worse.
But the jokes, that's not on. Do they actually know how much it upsets you or do you 'join in' or smile sweetly. I can't believe they are all intentionally mean.

I don't kind if they talk about baby stuff, it's the specific sorts of examples that I have given that I have a problem with.

I've never joked along with any of it, never smiled, always end up looking miserable, disengaging from the conversation, on one occasion have gone home.

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing these dreadful things from your friends. The stories you’ve mentioned as extremely insensitive. You’re right to feel upset, I would feel the same way. It’s like they aren’t even thinking about how these things may make you feel.

My first DD was an IVF pregnancy, and I can honestly say that my fertility struggles have been the darkest time in my life so I completely understand. I’ve broken down at pregnancy announcements because of the anger I felt towards myself, but was obviously happy for them.

In terms of the bump pictures - just wow! I would have to draw the line on this one and say whilst I’m happy for you, this is extremely insensitive and distressing to keep pushing this in my face!

Overtime I’m come to learn that some of these rude people just haven’t considered how things may make you feel, let alone being in your shoes. Therefore they can’t sympathise with you. I would start looking for new friends OP!

Seriously, these people sound self-absorbed and thick as mince. You need to look at broadening your friendship groups because most women don’t behave like this. They are not good friends to you.

If you want to keep socialising with them then you need to politely rebuff these comments and scan photos etc every single time until they get the message. If they don’t then you have the choice to put up with it or move on to finding new friendships with intelligent people who don’t waffle this kind of shit every time you see them.

I can’t believe that people can be this insensitive. Christ.

It is hard isn't it? I am in a similar situation, but it is because I am widowed.

Nearly all my friends have husbands/partners and their constant chatter/photos/messages about the things they are doing together is really painful to me. I am of course very happy that they still have each other and that their lives together are good - and that they take the trouble to keep in touch with me. But it slices into my heart.

So hard. Sending a hand hold.

You’ve told them you’re struggling and they seem a bit oblivious to it. I don’t think you’re likely to get them to change without making yourself “The Infertile Friend” and changing the way they treat entirely, which would probably be worse.

Have you considered counseling to see if you can become more sanguine about having another child or find another way to reframe the comments and actions you’re finding hurt? It’s not that your feelings of hurt are invalid, but I don’t think you can change your friends and if you don’t want to experience that hurt and don’t want to cut down on the friendships, altering the way you respond to their “banter” seems like the only way to square that circle.

I'd be checking in with the one friend in the group who isn't pregnant! She may be feeling the same way you do, particularly if she doesn't have any children yet!

Haven’t read all the suggestions and your examples are really bad but please be direct. I’m on a group chat and have just had a baby and know one of the mums has had missed miscarriages and has given up trying for another.
I do message for some tips on baby sleeping/routines, I do moan I’m tired etc etc. but I try to keep it to a minimum however sometimes it’s hard to gauge what might make my friend upset so be clear. For example tell the lady no more unsolicited bump pics please!!!

I'm really sorry. I was you ten years ago, and the pain is awful. My friends were more sensitive though.

It's nothing to do with dragging others down. They will be absolutely fine if they DON'T go on about their pregnancy/babies to the OP. It won't take anything away from their joy, and it would help make the OP a little less desperate.

just here to say you are not alone, I have a 5 year old, and haven’t since been able to to get pregnant since, 1 failed ivf. second infertility SUCKS , especially as many people just don’t understand the heartache and think you should happy that at least you have the one. I have friends that have just had babies, luckily they aren’t behaving like yours, But I know they just don’t get it. It’s hard, it’s great to reach out to people on here when people in your real life aren’t there for you in the way you’d hope ❤️