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Original poster

How do I make myself like the cat again

35 replies

someperspextive · 06/01/2023 11:32

Posting for traffic as I know I ABU - but I really want to know if anyone else has gone through this!

So we currently own three cats. One has lived with us since 2017. He was my first baby and I loved him to pieces. We got him along with his brother who was born with severe kidney deformation and spent thousands paying for surgery to get it fixed. Sadly he still passed away very young.

After that, the cat seemed lonely so we got a new kitten in 2018.

This worked perfectly and two cats felt like plenty.

Then my MIL sadly passed away in 2020 and left a 6 year old moggy cat, who we adopted as we didn't know what else to do - and since we had two anyway it didn't seem that it would make that much difference.

I've never warmed massively to her but always thought she was perfectly fine.

However - since having DD in 2021 and getting pregnant again this year, I am finding this cat unbearable.

I have so much anxiety about toxoplasmosis and this cat seems incapable of cleaning herself. She's had dried poo around her bum in the past (which DH had to sort out), she scratches everything, she malts like crazy. I'm terrified she's going to leave poo on a surface that I'm going to pick up toxo from and I feel like I'm cleaning up all the time after her.

I don't know what to do - how do I make myself get through this? Has anyone disliked their pet (that they didn't want in the first place!!?) and got over it?

She has toys, goes outside and is still destructive by the way!

OP posts:
CyanCrystalViolet · 06/01/2023 11:42

As you have other cats you’ve most likely already been exposed to to toxoplasmosis in the past and will therefore be immune to it. Try not to worry!

Branleuse · 06/01/2023 11:56

Youll likely be immune. Most people who have had cats before or who eat their steak rare, will already have immunity

CSIblonde · 06/01/2023 12:13

Trim her butt hair.Only way to avoid poo issues in long hair cats . Try a cardboard horizontal scratcher? My cat won't touch those rope upright ones. Regular 2min daily brushing will help with the malting everywhere. A damp rubber washing up glove removes fur from furniture. Just sweep your hand over in the glove, job done.

Toomanysleepycats · 06/01/2023 12:32

I’m sorry I don’t have any suggestions but I know how you feel.

Years ago when my brother divorced my mum off loaded the cat onto me. I already had a dog and a cat and I love, love cats.

I took great care to acclimatise the cat to her new home and felt really sorry for her. However after two years she was still peeing in the house. She had access to outside and a litter tray.

In the end I made my mum take her. In retrospect there was no reason my mum couldn’t have taken her in the first place, but I suspect she knew about the peeing (I wasn’t told).

Cheesestring67 · 30/12/2023 04:41

I may sound harsh, but get rid. Your mental health and general health is much more important than the cat

KT8282 · 30/12/2023 05:23

If you are pregnant and have cats you should be scrupulous with hand hygiene before eating anyway. You’re no more likely to get toxoplasmosis from her than your other cats-whoever hunts the most is the highest risk to you as they get it from their pray eg mice.

Lonecatwithkitten · 30/12/2023 07:21

Have you taken the cat to the vet failure to groom around the back end is a big market for hip pain it maybe that appropriately treated she is clean again.

DontGoGran · 30/12/2023 07:32

You had two cats already, regardless of how 'clean' you think they are in comparison, you were almost definitely exposed to Toxoplasmosis beforehand and probably had it in your system whilst you were pregnant anyway.

Sorry to be so blunt about it but I'm 38 weeks pregnant, have a cat, and have tested 'borderline' for Toxoplasmosis in recent blood tests (which means I've been exposed previously but there's no active infection so no risk), it's just one of those things with being a cat owner.

Universalsnail · 30/12/2023 10:04

I went through a stage where I dislikes my 2 cats when my children were born. To the point the only reason I didn't re-home them was out of a stubborness about it being the wrong thing to do. This dislike seemed to naturally go away by itself as my child grew and now I love my cats again. I would just wait it out tbh. You'll probably feel better about the cat the older your child gets, I think this is a pregnancy newborn thing.

I would take the cat to the vets about it struggling to clean it's bum though. Cats are very clean animals and it not cleaning itself properly isn't really normal. Could be some kind of mobility issue.

Universalsnail · 30/12/2023 10:06

Toomanysleepycats · 06/01/2023 12:32

I’m sorry I don’t have any suggestions but I know how you feel.

Years ago when my brother divorced my mum off loaded the cat onto me. I already had a dog and a cat and I love, love cats.

I took great care to acclimatise the cat to her new home and felt really sorry for her. However after two years she was still peeing in the house. She had access to outside and a litter tray.

In the end I made my mum take her. In retrospect there was no reason my mum couldn’t have taken her in the first place, but I suspect she knew about the peeing (I wasn’t told).

This was likely a medical issue with your cat that the vets could have addressed with medication.

That doesn't make any difference to your cat but just sharing for other people. If a cat is weeing everywhere it's often a medical condition and cat should always be taken to the vet before assumings it's behavioral. Sometimes they get urinary retention and start doing little wees everywhere and sometimes it's anxiety. All can be addressed with a vet.

AnnaMagnani · 30/12/2023 10:18

I would suggest trip to vet for cat to exclude any bowel issues or reasons such as pain that she can't groom properly. Cats hate being dirty and this will be upsetting the cat.

Then a lot of grooming for the shedding. You will prob have to experiment to find the most effective brush that the cat also likes. Some of mine have loved the Furminator which is brilliant but some can't stand it.

Scratching - more scratching posts and a Feliway diffuser.

Given you have lived with cats a long time, you will have had years of exposure to toxoplasmosis assuming any of your have it.

DirectionToPerfection · 30/12/2023 10:25

Cheesestring67 · 30/12/2023 04:41

I may sound harsh, but get rid. Your mental health and general health is much more important than the cat

And how exactly do you suggest OP "gets rid"?

The answer here is to bring the cat to the vet to determine if there is a reason why she's having difficulty cleaning herself.

Also OP your anxiety is not rational. You've already been exposed from having cats previously.

DirectionToPerfection · 30/12/2023 10:29

Universalsnail · 30/12/2023 10:06

This was likely a medical issue with your cat that the vets could have addressed with medication.

That doesn't make any difference to your cat but just sharing for other people. If a cat is weeing everywhere it's often a medical condition and cat should always be taken to the vet before assumings it's behavioral. Sometimes they get urinary retention and start doing little wees everywhere and sometimes it's anxiety. All can be addressed with a vet.

Show quote history

Indeed, amazing how many people just "get rid" instead of actually caring for the pet they've taken ownership and responsibility of.

It's disgraceful.

DcatAnnie · 30/12/2023 10:35

I think it’s sad that although the cat has a home she’s not adored by the family. So would it really be so bad for her in the long run if she was rehomed somewhere that actually wanted her?

DirectionToPerfection · 30/12/2023 10:40

DcatAnnie · 30/12/2023 10:35

I think it’s sad that although the cat has a home she’s not adored by the family. So would it really be so bad for her in the long run if she was rehomed somewhere that actually wanted her?

How easy do you think it is to rehome a nine year old cat?

Of course it's sad but I think the OP should make a bit more of an effort to actually care for the poor cat and address her anxiety.

LittleMissSunshiner · 30/12/2023 10:41

OK so various aspects to this question

Re toxoplasmosis - not all cats carry toxoplasmosis oocysts, it'a phase and cycle - it's worth researching where and when and how they exist so you can be fully informed. Then even, it's a matter of being clean and tidy which I'm sure you are and washing your hands etc if you've handled her.

Regardless, your body should deal with any invasion - it's rare for a body to be unable to deal with toxoplasmosis as usually it means you're quite badly immunocompromised.

I once had fully blown toxoplasmosis because my immune system wasn't working and this led to me being mistakenly diagnosed with several completely different (and scary) illness before lymph node surgery and biopsy cleared the whole issue up. So I do know a little bit about what I'm saying here.

Re her grooming, lack of, you can encourage a cat to start grooming themselves a bit better. Or if she's in pain, elderly, restricted movement, or simply isn't going to 'get it' then you'd need to regularly and very gently begin to start grooming her with a comb, little wire brush, and some soap. Also cut away as much hair as you can from the area - buy sharp hairdresser scissors and / or a little buzz shaver. Also if her poop is runny, not firm, which is causing the problem, then think about experimenting with her food as cats should pass a firm stool, this helps keep their anal glands clear.

Does she have good access to a litter tray and do you have multiple litter trays, if not, make sure to put more down. In theory there should be one for each cat plus one in any home.

Finally, I would say obviously it sounds like you're not fond of this cat and that's really upsetting but one can only deal with the truth. You can try to adjust your attitude. Do try to come to see her as a vulnerable little being who needs your help and depends on you for her life and can't speak for herself in human language and can't pick up the phone and ring herself assistance. Be kind to her no matter what and try to take her under your wing as it were. If you really can't, then keep asking around to rehome her, ask animal charities to rehome her, etc.

winniebeen · 30/12/2023 12:52

Can't understand. Why on earth one one cat out of the three be dangerous to you?

That seems unreasonable, they are all as clean/dirty as each other, even if you can't see it.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 30/12/2023 12:59

Why haven't you taken her to the vets? Cats don't actively enjoy having shit on them, as they are very fastidious. There is probably a medical reason.

christmasfood · 30/12/2023 13:04

Years ago I had MIL dog dumped on me. She was extremely unwell and hospitalised long term begged dh to have her dog (2 year old spoilt untrained puppy). I said to him no - he told me there’s no choice it’s his mum and her dog and he was doing it. He worked full time !!!! I said I’m not looking after it to be told ‘you’re at home every day with dc - you will’ I made it clear that if he did that I’d take the dog to a vet or shelter and get it rehomed. In the end I did just that and SIL had to go and pick him up

christmasfood · 30/12/2023 13:04

Sorry that’s probably no help and totally irrelevant I think my point was if you’re unhappy then rehome

YogiYogiBear · 30/12/2023 17:37

You've probably been exposed before, you can pay for a test to find this out.

Generally it's only young cats you need to be worried about as cats also become immune after infection.

Cheesestring67 · 30/12/2023 18:53

No, vets bills are the last thing needed when a baby is due. - its more hassle than it's worth. I took mine to PAWS the same day she peed in my ready to go hospital bag, after months of trying everything. The stress wasn't worth it. The cat is now rehomed, and my home is clean, cat pee free and we're all happy. Win win.

DirectionToPerfection · 31/12/2023 00:28

Cheesestring67 · 30/12/2023 18:53

No, vets bills are the last thing needed when a baby is due. - its more hassle than it's worth. I took mine to PAWS the same day she peed in my ready to go hospital bag, after months of trying everything. The stress wasn't worth it. The cat is now rehomed, and my home is clean, cat pee free and we're all happy. Win win.

Christ.

For one thing, OP hasn't indicated that she cant afford to bring the cat to the vet.

Secondly, bringing your pet to the vet is part of being a responsible owner, it's a basic standard of care.

I sincerely hope you never get any more pets.

Cheesestring67 · 31/12/2023 08:58

Why on earth would I? I now have a lovely clean, pet free home it's wonderful.

LifeonMarsnotVenus · 31/12/2023 09:18

I'd try and leave it a bit longer and see what the cat is like when your child comes along. Cats can form very close attachments to some humans so she still might change. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I had two cats from a rescue, a mum and her 1yr old son. The boy cat was loving and affectionate and loved snuggles but the mum was cold and aloof and seemed to hate humans and spent all her time finding places to hide away.

When I had DS a few years later, mum cat suddenly changed overnight. She adored him and would always be nearby. She'd sit right next to him on the pillow when we read his bedtime story and lie next to him all night. She still wasn't keen on DH and myself though and wouldn't be cuddled by us. 😂

DS was 6yrs old when she died and distraught with grief. A couple of years later we had 2 more kittens (a brother and sister) and the male one this time, decided that DS was HIS human and slept on his bed. DS is a teen now and keeps his bedroom door closed at night but the boy cat still sleeps on the spare chair in his study whilst DS is gaming or doing homework. If DS is watching tv, the boy cat will snuggle down on his knee. His sister cat prefers me. 😊