To move abroad?

[pinknod]

I'm currently doing my midwifery training. As we all know, the NHS is a shambles. I could get much better money, conditions and quality of life abroad.

E.g. Dubai or Australia.

DS is four. He barely sees ExDP, he works away all week and refuses to get a job closer to home. When he is home, he is usually out with friends whilst his parents have DS on Thursday and Friday nights.

He is now moving out two minutes away into a house share that's inappropriate for DS to stay, so again it will be his parents doing most of it.

I'd love for DS to have a good relationship with ExDP but he's just not bothered.

I could give DS such a better life abroad. Even spending a few years over there to save.

But WIBU to do so?

Not unreasonable at all. I did the same. Careful though, you’ll need permission from your ex to remove your child from the country. My ex didn’t give permission, despite neither seeing them nor paying anything towards them. I had to go through the courts which cost about £10k. It was definitely worth it though.

Sounds like a plan but your ex could block it

Yabu. You need to for your career.

How is taking your DS away from his dad and grandparents giving him a better life, exactly?

Dad doesn’t seem enormously bothered, and if being near grandparents was so important then no one would ever emigrate anywhere. Dubai isn’t so far away. OP could agree a schedule of holidays.

This would be wrong.

I understand the benefits of moving overseas. Until quite recently, I lived overseas. But you chose to have a baby with a no-hoper and a child needs a father and grandparents. Like it or not, you're not the only person in the child's life.

You may be able to get permission from your ex to move. You can, of course, ignore the grandparents. But expect to face a lot of judgment. Even if the people you encounter overseas end up having low standards, you could very well face judgment from your child later on.

Living overseasespecially with a child to take care ofcan be isolating. People who will have room in their lives for new friends may move on often. My answer would be different if you were in an urgent situation here but you're not.

Don't compound your previous rash decisionsto have a relationship and then a baby with a no-hoper before you were ready and then split up, which is why you're short of moneywith more rash decisions that will not only affect you, but the baby.

I think you need to sit down with you ex and his parents separately and let them know you're thinking about this. Maybe that would motivate your ex to step up (or his parents to start leaning on him).

Go on then. Don't be one those people who runs the UK down but stays here. If its better overseas, then you owe it to yourself to go.

You’d have to go through court or get his dads permission if he has PR. I wouldn’t even consider Dubai. Australia would be better but doubt you could afford to live their as a single parent.

@BuHao, we don't know that Dad isn't bothered. The OP is saying that's what's going on, but I'd be interested to know the dad's and grandparents' perspective. If the dad really isn't bothered, then that makes it even more important for the child to have involved grandparents.

The OP didn't think before getting into and then getting out of this relationship and now wants to make yet another poorly thought-out decision. This time it'll affect the kid though.

Dubai? Definitely not.

Mainly due to the free accommodation, good schooling and no tax.

I'd go for a few years to save.

If you put this in front of a judge, you will get permission to move your son, wherever you want to go however, it might cost you about 10 grand in legal fees. But you will win.

I managed as a single mother of four children in Australia with no Centrelink whatsoever. It can be done you get an au pair

Thank you for your responses, I have a lot to think about.

ExDP's grandparents are aware that their son isn't bothered and have tried to get him more involved.

And not that I need to explain, but I got pregnant on the coil, so a very unplanned baby. I would never have chosen a man like this for my son.

I have fought and fought for a relationship between them.

I moved to a home five minutes away from his dad to facilitate contact. I've tried and been unsuccessful. I feel like he is holding DS and I back.

@pinknod, look, I feel sorry for you. But you need to stop making excuses. There are excuses all the way through your comments. Have sex with a no-hoper and there is a risk of pregnancy. You know more about this than I do given your profession. Whether you intended it or not, you are responsible for bringing this child into the world. And the best thing for that child is a relationship with family. It's not a complicated situation.

I hope there is a solution here. Talk to your ex (and his parents if he is really that irresponsible). It could be that you could convince him to move with you and live separately. Who knows.

Thank you.

They're not excuses, I was trying to get across that I didn't plan to get pregnant. That's all.

He is that irresponsible. He is addicted to smoking weed and that's where the majority of his money goes. He spends his evenings smoking weed in his friend's shed.

He didn't even know that DS was starting primary school this year.

We have already sat down many times. With my parents and his. It never works.

@pinknod, well, when it comes to a major decision like moving abroad, he has to be involved. He is the other parent and nothing will change that.

Also, you are going to need to be able to tell that child that you did absolutely everything you possibly could to keep the father involved. I have seen these situations play out time and again. My advice is to always imagine a future conversation in which you'll have to justify major decisions because it will happen.

But on a single midwife’s income for rent, school, bills, au pair, actual living… it wouldn’t be the better life OP seems to think it is.

DS also sees his grandparents weekly and is at least 4yo. Really cruel to take him away from them I think.

Ive never lived in the same country as one set of grandparents, and my parents emigrated away from the other set when I was a child. Living in the same country as them isn’t the be all and end all. You don’t have to accept being tied to a location because your ex’s parents live there. As long as his father doesn’t challenge it, go for it.

Do your research and have a plan, but yes, moving countries can absolutely mean a better quality, and happier, life.

OP I think you are getting some very unfair comments on this thread. My suggestion is that you research the pros and cons, and also talk to the grandparents. I grew up without grandparents close by (same country but significant distance) and had a good relationship with them. This is all possible - but go into it with your eyes open. The grass is not always greener, but in Australia people I know have found it a great place to bring up children, and to work. Good luck!

I think it sounds like a great idea for you, but I do wonder if it will be that great for your son. It might be very lonely for him with all the extended family so far away. I also wonder if you would earn enough to be able to maintain a good lifestyle for the two of you. Dubai is incredibly expensive, and you would need to pay for private school and a nanny. Australia can also be expensive, but that depends on where you want to go. For me the distance would be a problem with Australia, especially since it will just be the two of you and no other support network. You might only be able to go home every other year or so, and your son will probably end up losing his relationship with his dad's parents, who do sound like reasonable people.

I think it would be better to go somewhere in Europe so it would be closer to home.

@whumpthereitis, sounds like your parents were together though. Moving as far away as Australia or to a culture as foreign as Dubai's with only one parent who is going to have to really focus on work is very different.

No, but if she goes over with permanent residency, if she will be entitled to at least some Centrelink and more importantly, she won’t have to find the school fees that I had to find out of my income. I end about $150,000 my rent to house all those children and the au pair was 850 a week. Her expenses will be significantly less.
I reckon she can do it

When they’re the only other family he has and he sees them a couple of times a week, it probably is a big deal to him. Just started school too so will have to leave all his family and all his friends to move to either the other side of the world or to a completely different culture with only his mum who is going to be working full time presumably.