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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move abroad?

35 replies

pinknod · 06/01/2023 11:06

I'm currently doing my midwifery training. As we all know, the NHS is a shambles. I could get much better money, conditions and quality of life abroad.

E.g. Dubai or Australia.

DS is four. He barely sees ExDP, he works away all week and refuses to get a job closer to home. When he is home, he is usually out with friends whilst his parents have DS on Thursday and Friday nights.

He is now moving out two minutes away into a house share that's inappropriate for DS to stay, so again it will be his parents doing most of it.

I'd love for DS to have a good relationship with ExDP but he's just not bothered.

I could give DS such a better life abroad. Even spending a few years over there to save.

But WIBU to do so?

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 06/01/2023 17:32

BabyFour2023 · 06/01/2023 16:06

When they’re the only other family he has and he sees them a couple of times a week, it probably is a big deal to him. Just started school too so will have to leave all his family and all his friends to move to either the other side of the world or to a completely different culture with only his mum who is going to be working full time presumably.

Show quote history

Which presumably you weigh against the positives of a move, which she may reasonably judge to be greater than the drawbacks. He’s four years old, he has grandparents but beyond that he’s unlikely to have much of a social cite he’s being removed from.

Angeldelight81 · 06/01/2023 17:36

I moved back from Australia because the grandparents were going to have the kids two days a week after school while I worked and studied. That lasted four weeks. I’ve literally regretted it ever since and now I can’t move back because I’m too old.

whumpthereitis · 06/01/2023 17:53

Antst · 06/01/2023 15:43

@whumpthereitis, sounds like your parents were together though. Moving as far away as Australia or to a culture as foreign as Dubai's with only one parent who is going to have to really focus on work is very different.

both my parents worked full time. I’m not sure one extra parent is so substantial a difference tbh.

again though, you weigh the drawbacks against the positives. It may be that OP judges the latter to be more significant to note than the former. Your focus is on the negative and you’re working on the assumption that such a move would be harmful for him, when that’s hardly a foregone conclusion. There’s plenty of us that have had the experience and judge it to have been hugely beneficial.

Antst · 06/01/2023 20:14

@whumpthereitis, seriously, you're pretending that a single parent is the same as two parents to win a point??

That's beyond ridiculous.

Aprilx · 06/01/2023 20:20

I trust you will be repaying the tax payers investment in your training that you plan to use to secure a visa for elsewhere.

whumpthereitis · 06/01/2023 20:45

Antst · 06/01/2023 20:14

@whumpthereitis, seriously, you're pretending that a single parent is the same as two parents to win a point??

That's beyond ridiculous.

What I am saying is that in terms of moving abroad, it needn’t be factor OP should consider prohibitive.

You seem to think that by virtue of being a single parent she should be stuck in one country in close proximity to her son’s grandparents, no matter what emigrating may offer to them both. That you wouldn’t want to do it does not mean that it can’t be a positive move for someone else.

Angeldelight81 · 06/01/2023 21:20

Aprilx · 06/01/2023 20:20

I trust you will be repaying the tax payers investment in your training that you plan to use to secure a visa for elsewhere.

It’s been 25 years since the tax payer was funding training for NHS staff do try to keep up.

Original poster
pinknod · 07/01/2023 13:42

Aprilx · 06/01/2023 20:20

I trust you will be repaying the tax payers investment in your training that you plan to use to secure a visa for elsewhere.

What are you talking about?

OP posts:
Orangepolentacake · 16/01/2023 14:21

Antst · 06/01/2023 12:46

This would be wrong.

I understand the benefits of moving overseas. Until quite recently, I lived overseas. But you chose to have a baby with a no-hoper and a child needs a father and grandparents. Like it or not, you're not the only person in the child's life.

You may be able to get permission from your ex to move. You can, of course, ignore the grandparents. But expect to face a lot of judgment. Even if the people you encounter overseas end up having low standards, you could very well face judgment from your child later on.

Living overseasespecially with a child to take care ofcan be isolating. People who will have room in their lives for new friends may move on often. My answer would be different if you were in an urgent situation here but you're not.

Don't compound your previous rash decisionsto have a relationship and then a baby with a no-hoper before you were ready and then split up, which is why you're short of moneywith more rash decisions that will not only affect you, but the baby.

I think you need to sit down with you ex and his parents separately and let them know you're thinking about this. Maybe that would motivate your ex to step up (or his parents to start leaning on him).

Are you in this judgemental IRL?

Blog34 · 16/01/2023 14:57

I don't know how hard/easier being overseas will be but I don't see a moral issue of moving away from an ex- DP who isn't involved with hid child.

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