Was I unreasonable not to get dad's partner a present?

[User145671]

Hello,

My dad has been with his partner 5-6 years. It's been a rocky relationship with lots of break ups due to her not being able to get him to do things she wants (sell his house, marry her etc - he's quite set in his ways). At first me and my siblings got on with her but it became toxic as she became very controlling and isolated my father from family and friends. Now we do our best to be civil with her but my father has complained on many times she doesn't feel accepted within the family (but hates doing anything with us so hard to make sense of it!).

I've never bought her anything for Christmas but in recent years do always add her name to the Christmas card. This year my dad confronted me and said she was really hurt as she wrapped the present from my dad to me, and spent time thinking what he could get me. The tag then said the gift was from both of them.

I only got my parents and grandparents gifts. I didn't get gifts for my siblings or young nieces/nephews so I just felt exasperated by this conversation. Was I being unreasonable?

Interested to see who will agree but I think YAB a bit U. It wouldn't take much to give her a small gift and it sounds like it would mean a lot to your dad, so for the sake of keeping the peace I'd start getting her something relatively token. It does scream 'you don't count' to get your dad something but not her IMO, especially if they've been together years

YANBU.

I don't believe in token gestures. I buy presents for who I care about

Equally, if you've never bought presents before why did he not establish who is buying who presents before Christmas? That's the done thing "are we buying this year?"

Seeing as you don't buy many family presents it would be odd to her her one. Next year get them a joint present but spend the same amount as you do now.

Did she get you a present?

My dad bought the present to me and signed from both of them. I did not receive a separate present from her.

Get them a joint present next time.

I don't get my dad's wife a present.

She's a money grabbing manipulative nasty cow and I'm not a hypocrite 🤷🏼‍♀️

I can see why she was hurt if she genuinely was part of buying you a present; next year get them a joint present

More fool her for doing your dad’s wife work for him.

I couldn't have not bought her one, I'd have felt very rude. A small but thoughtful token wouldn't have hurt you to buy and would have avoided any more ill feeling.

Why should the op have to buy a thoughtful present?

Why does she have to be the one to "avoid ill feeling"?

@daybroke I would have just to keep the moral high ground.

I'd have rather let her be the nasty one, and not joined in.

Do you see her on Christmas? We don't usually buy my mother in laws partner gifts, although this year because we'd bought something for the house we did think to put his name on too. But we didn't actually buy anything extra, and did feel a bit bad when mil opened something specifically sent to her by his kids. But we dont see him over Christmas at all as he goes away to his family. If he was there when we were opening presents I think I'd get a token gift.

If your dad doesn't buy your presents and leaves the work to her, that's his fault though!

It sounds like you don't buy for many so no, I wouldn't buy for her before siblings or neices and nephews - it's quite unusual not to buy for the young kids in a family, so definitely wouldn't buy for her before them.

Your df doesn't get to decide how you manage your relationship with his gf.

I never joined in at all. I've never started it. My dad just transfers money to my bank account though so she isn't wrapping a present for me.

Different perspectives I suppose.

I wouldn't lower myself to validate scum like her by buying her a gift. (And she is absolute scum - she has been absolutely awful to me and my siblings and has desecrated the memory of my mother and I will never forgive her).

I was at my mothers for Christmas Day, my grandmother on Boxing Day and my dad the 27th.

He spent Christmas Day and Boxing Day with his partner and her extended family

*@daybroke

I don't get my dad's wife a present. She's a money grabbing manipulative nasty cow and I'm not a hypocrite 🤷🏼‍♀️

That you Harry?!

No? I'm female.

I have been traumatised by the stuff that woman has done and I really don't find it funny. Sorry.

She desecrated the memory of my mother. And I do mean that. Absolutely desecrated her remains.

What's that to joke about? Seriously?

That was a joke about prince Harry and Camilla

OP I am in a similar position with my dad and I get him and his wife an M&S hamper every year, job done

I know it was.

But I'd described my dad's wife desecrating my mother and her memory before that post and I don't understand how that was something to joke about.

Tell him he should have bought/wrapped his present for his daughter then it wouldn’t have been an issue?? Did he buy for your husband/boyfriend?

seriously, tell him you haven’t even bought for your siblings, you’re not doing massive xmases and you’ll buy something to share next time.

Can you get them a joint present - something for their house or to eat/ drink?

You receive a joint present from both of them so this makes some sense

Sounds like she’s the one who put the effort into your gift? If I was you, I’d tell my dad that’s pretty hurtful of HIM.