AIBU to feel a bit hurt that I turn out to be Plan B or possibly C?

[pattihews]

There's someone I've known and admired from a distance for years. I bumped into them at an event last year and we had a pleasant chat, so I was delighted today to receive a warm personal invitation to celebrate their big birthday in a month's time. They've rented a beautiful house on the coast with bedrooms in a converted barn and a hot tub. A weekend of events, dancing and good food is planned. They'd love it if I'd come along.

Sounds wonderful, I said, can't think of anything I'd like more.

They've just sent me a pdf that outlines the venue and the event and asks me to send payment of £60 to cover two nights accommodation and food immediately. There is some small print attached that indicates that full payment for the venue is due tomorrow. I'm Plan B, aren't I? Or even Plan C or D or E or bloody Z. They've had a few Plan A people cancel or decline the invitation and they've gone through their contacts list looking for outliers who'll pay the deposit and enable the plan to go ahead and at the 11th hour they thought they might as well invite me.

AIBU to feel a teensy bit gutted?

I agree this is not someone OP has been close to so expecting to be on the A list seems a bit presumptuous.

Just go and have a good time and you never know, it might put you on the A list for next time if that is important to you.

It definitely feels shit to be plan B it's happenedto me before and I've been hurt. In this case it sounds fine though. It doesn't oundlike you consider them a close friend so you wouldn't necessarily expect to be first on the list for birthday invites. The fact they invited you at all probably means you aren't close friends yet but they see potential and just think you seem fun. I'd be flattered.

I think I'd only be upset at this if they would have been my Plan A if everything was the other way round (if that makes any sense!?)

I'm glad you're going. I hope you have fun. Tb if this isn't someone you know we'll I'd say it's a compliment to be plan B. They thought highly enough of you to want to spend time with you now there's space. Half the plan A people might be more duty invites. I'd only be offended if it was my own bf seeing me as second choice I think, otherwise would just be pleased to be asked.

But if you don’t really know them why would you be on their A list??

They wouldn’t ask you to make up numbers if they didn’t like you a bit. And if you want their friendship /contacts / to get into their knickers / whatever then this is your chance.

You have to take it for what it is

I’d ask what the full cost is first if the £60 is just a deposit. It might not turn out that cheap!

Yes it sounds like £60 is just an initial deposit - do you have a full bill yet? A gorgeous spot with hot tub doesn't sound like a £60 weekend unless the birthday person is subsidising everyone!

Friends of mine had planned a holiday but there were only 7 of them in an 8 bed place. They invited me along to make it cheaper for them all round. They were open about it, I was an after thought. We had a fantastic time and 2 became very close friends of mine. Go!

You've been "invited" to an event you have to pay for? That's not an invite, it's an advert!

You don't know this person that well so it's not surprising. But it sounds nice and you want to go.

So find some perspective and go.

All I could imagine was my host combing through all his contacts, trying different people, and as the deadline approached sighing to himself and inviting me and a couple of other people in desperation.

Stop being daft!

Your contribution is a mere £60.
Divide that amongst the other people who are going, & it would be only a few quid more expensive for your host. Hardly a mater of desperation. Why would they go to all that bother to find someone to suck up a few quid difference?

You've been invited because they want your company.
Have fun!

I might just be a bit pathetic but I'd be pleased they thought to invite me at all even if they didn't have space for me on the original guest list. I hope you have a nice time.

But OP, you don't often see this person, do you? Why would you be in the Plan A bunch?

I would definitely go although I agree with pp, £60 sounds very cheap for what you have outlined - you may end up a few hundred quid down when the total bill is settled.

Also, yes, it does sound like the plot of a Kindle prime psychological suspense novel: old friend suddenly invited to the spend the weekend with friends she doesn't know very well. Title: The Weekend or The Guest or The Reunion.

Certainly you should go - it sounds great - but just wanted to say, none of this "this is your opportunity to impress them" any more than it is their opportunity to impress you! Whoever they are, they are of no more worth as a person than you are, and will be lucky to have you at their party.....

As for the a-list/b-list thing, sounds like you don't know them well, so they probably wouldn't have been on your a-list for a limited numbers party either. Is it someone you fancy? If so, I think the fact that they have invited you at all based on this level of knowing you might indicate that it's mutual.....

Good luck and enjoy!

I wouldn't be offended. As someone who recently organised a similar event, I found it really hard as had to accommodate close friends other halves who I would probably have preferred to swap for friends if given the choice. So even though you may not have made the first cut doesn't mean you weren't her preferred choice!....sometimes politics dictate these things.

Your friend is probably delighted someone has had to drop out and you can actually come ;) (I speak from experience!)

Also - if she had a bigger party it sounds like you would have been invited from the start.

Don't read into it, just go and enjoy!

Have a great time @pattihews.

Is it someone you fancy? If so, I think the fact that they have invited you at all based on this level of knowing you might indicate that it's mutual.....

No, no, nothing like that. I met him around 20 years ago at an arts event, was impressed by the short talk he gave and had a quick drink with him and a couple of others afterwards at which he impressed even more. He's 10 years younger than me. He's since published a couple of novels which weren't great sellers but have been well-reviewed. He's also married the most beautiful, together, creative, lovely woman in the world. I used to work in publishing, as did he for a while, and we spoke occasionally when he wanted advice. I commissioned him to write the occasional short piece. I sometimes turn up to one of his author-signings or literary events but I'm careful not to be too groupie-ish. We communicate every now and then via Twitter and email and as I said, last time we encountered each other we had a very nice, spirited encounter with a lot of laughter. I have no idea who else will be invited to the event but it may be an interesting crowd.

Thank you, everyone, for the positivity you've shown. I turned 60 not so long ago and my confidence has taken some knocks in the past couple of years.

It could be right if there are say 10 people or more? £600 for a couple of nights accommodation and food split between all guest sounds reasonable?

I hope you have a lovely time OP, whether you are plan A or not, they wouldn’t invite you if they didn’t want you there for the sake of £60 x

Whoa, hang on. You might be doing yourself down unnecessarily here.

This small print.....is it HER small print or the cottage/hotel company small print? If it's the owners small print then maybe she's just been a bit lax at organising, and you are actually A-list, and she's just disorganised and only just got round to sending invites? Perhaps she needs to know numbers by tomorrow to confirm with the company, and will pay the whole lot on her credit card and then she'll recoup the money as and when folks pay her? Just because the website or brochure says "final balances must be paid 4 weeks before arrival" doesn't automatically mean she organised it weeks ago.

Regardless, I'm glad you've paid and committed. Have a lovely time!

It sounds like an event you will enjoy so I wouldn’t get too hung up on being a Plan B, I would take it as an opportunity to spend time with people you wouldn’t usually hang out with. I was invited last minute to a girls’ weekend by a friend of mine. It was a “mums from school” group where my friend was the only person I would have wanted to spend the weekend with so I declined but wasn’t remotely put out by the fact that they were clearly looking for a replacement for someone who had dropped out. They asked, I said no, if I liked them and thought I would have an interesting weekend I would have said yes.

It’s a house, not a venue for 120 so you can obviously only have so many. I’d rather be torn apart by wild horses than invite any ‘plan B’ people away for my big birthday just for £60, but if I were renting a house there would be a lot of plan A people that don’t fit and I’d have to sit down and painfully just pick my closest friends/the best ones to hang out with on a weekend. It’s really more the large ish bridal party that get the invite for this kind of thing, and it’s not embarrassing at all to get a late invite, like a regular wedding guest promoted!

I'd be really flattered. You barely know each other, so even if you are Plan B, you are the person outside of his close friends who he thought it would be good to have there. Go, and enjoy.

I was an obvious Plan B at an old friend's wedding once, that hurt a bit, but I swallowed my pride and had a wonderful time, as we can't be top of everyone's list all the time.

I'm not sure, I'd assume money would need paid on booking which would need to be done at the very start of any arrangements.

Your update was interesting. He asks you for advice; you've commissioned pieces from him. The power dynamic is the other way round to the one I'd expected! Sorry to hear you have recently lost confidence, but this sounds a fabulous weekend full of interesting people. From now it doesn't matter when you were invited, you have something to bring to the table! Have a brilliant time!