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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I shit mum?

42 replies

Youcantstayhere · 05/01/2023 21:29

Hi all,

Just a bit upset so looking for opinions :-

My DS is 10 weeks old and is very much in the crying stage of his development and tonight he wouldn't settle he had a clean nappy, didn't want his bottle, didn't want to be held, didn't want to lie on his mat so I put him in his Moses basket and DH went to pick him up immediately and I said please can you leave him a couple of minutes, I think he's just for himself in a bit of a tizz and he needs a second - he fell asleep in less than two minutes.

DH said the crying out method is shit parenting and I explained it wasn't the crying out method, I just thought he needed a minute and then he sighed and shook his head and didn't say anything.

I don't think I did anything wrong but I wanted to check as I don't want to be a shit parent to DS.

OP posts:

Ostryga · 05/01/2023 21:31

Course you’re not a shit mum! Sometimes babies scream. You were right there, he was safe and fed and happy, just needed a good old scream.

Your dh sounds like a prize knob though. Is he always this judgy? I know raising little babies is hard work, but battling against each other is never the answer. Does he help in other ways?

strawberry2017 · 05/01/2023 21:32

You didn't do anything wrong, you recognised what your child needed and you were right.
You are doing a smashing job!

Feliciacat · 05/01/2023 21:33

If your baby was clean, fed and was offered his mat etc then you did all you could and you’re likely right that he was just in a crying phase. I think it’s shit that your partner didn’t listen to and respect what you told him. You’re definitely not being a shit parent.

Do you and your partner often view things so differently? I think talking about the whys of what you were doing could be useful once things have calmed down.

Hidingawaytoday · 05/01/2023 21:33

strawberry2017 · 05/01/2023 21:32

You didn't do anything wrong, you recognised what your child needed and you were right.
You are doing a smashing job!

This!! It was 2 minutes not 2 hours, and obviously what he needed! Good job mummy!

1hyuny · 05/01/2023 21:34

strawberry2017 · 05/01/2023 21:32

You didn't do anything wrong, you recognised what your child needed and you were right.
You are doing a smashing job!

This!! You have instincts as a mum that dad's don't have. We literally grew our babies inside us- we can feel what that feel and instinctively know what they need. You are doing the right thing, ignore your husband.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2023 21:34

Sounds like he was trying to pitch in and have a go?

DuplicateUserName · 05/01/2023 21:36

If it really was less than two minutes, I don't even see why he thought it comment-worthy.

Notimeforaname · 05/01/2023 21:36

You did nothing wrong!!!!??
Baby wouldn't settle no matter what you offered until you offered them a lie down.. and they settled in less than 2 minutes!! Whats wrong with your partner, does he usually criticize you about things like this?

Anisina · 05/01/2023 21:39

You sound like a brilliant mum. You knew he needed to sleep and it sounds like you are in tune with his needs.

Your DH was probably trying to help but he needs to listen to you sometimes.

PinkPlantCase · 05/01/2023 21:40

I think you should have let him pick up the baby.

As I’m sure you know it can be really difficult to see a tiny baby who’s distressed and not being held.

daisyjgrey · 05/01/2023 21:41

From a family of solicitors, youth workers and social workers, if you're questioning if you're a bad parent, it's unlikely you are.

Actual shit parents, of which there are many, never ask themselves this.

Original poster

Youcantstayhere · 05/01/2023 21:42

Thank you everyone, I think we're both just tired and emotional and even though it was literally less than two minutes a baby crying can feel like it's going on forever.

He probably was trying to help but I knew he wouldn't settle on either of us, he was just in a tizz and don't think he wanted to be held but maybe DH thought I was having a go at him for trying to help but I wasn't.

He is a good dad, he's gone to bed now but in the morning I'll explain why I asked him to leave ds alone for a couple of minutes and also explain that well yes he did fall asleep after crying that it's not actually the crying out method.

OP posts:

Bettyboop3 · 05/01/2023 21:42

PinkPlantCase · 05/01/2023 21:40

I think you should have let him pick up the baby.

As I’m sure you know it can be really difficult to see a tiny baby who’s distressed and not being held.

It was less than 2 minutes!! Sounds like baby just needed to be left alone!

Anisina · 05/01/2023 21:45

Sometimes babies just need to be left alone for a minute or two to settle themselves. It's not like the baby was screaming for hours.

Owen456 · 05/01/2023 21:47

You know your baby. Sounds like baby just wanted some them time. My little girl is the same sometimes she just gets upset if she’s had too much fuss. Your doing fantastic

thirdtimeluckyorwhat · 05/01/2023 21:48

No you are not. One of my babies didn't like being held when she needed to settle she wanted to be put down and left to it. Took me ages to work it out but that was what she needed.

LateAF · 05/01/2023 21:51

PinkPlantCase · 05/01/2023 21:40

I think you should have let him pick up the baby.

As I’m sure you know it can be really difficult to see a tiny baby who’s distressed and not being held.

Depends on the baby. Some babies are crying because they are tired and overstimulated, and calm down once they have been left alone for a bit so self settle. Other babies want to be held to sleep. OP’s baby is clearly the former type of baby.

Anisina · 05/01/2023 21:55

OP obviously knows what works for her baby.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 05/01/2023 21:58

When I had my second (and probably my first but it was so long ago now) I was frequently reminded to leave him to cry if I needed a minute, by midwives and HVs.

You've done nothing wrong. Your husband was a dick.

Smartiepants79 · 05/01/2023 22:00

PinkPlantCase · 05/01/2023 21:40

I think you should have let him pick up the baby.

As I’m sure you know it can be really difficult to see a tiny baby who’s distressed and not being held.

This may be true but as the adult in the situation we have to deal with our own uncomfortable feelings and do what’s best for our child.
The fact that listening to a crying baby for a minute or two is stressful for the adult is irrelevant.

LMB0716 · 05/01/2023 22:04

I’m have 4 children. 3 of them would drink their milk, blink sleepy eyes, lie them in their cots and gently drift off to sleep. One of them, my goodness! He would scream and scream, red in the face, sometimes sweating and I had to push him in the pram to be in with half a chance of him dozing off (even round the living room sometimes)! The number of people who would say ahhhh he’s starving, or how can you just leave him in there like that, was ridiculous. Nope, been fed, been changed, been cuddled, is now over tired, over stimulated and needs to sleep. I did nothing different with him, he wasn’t my first, or the baby, he’s in the middle. Some babies are just like that.

You did what your baby needed you to, and it worked. You’re def not a shit Mum.

Newnamefornewyear2023 · 05/01/2023 22:06

OP, you know your baby. Those first months are so hard and well done for following your instinct. I disagree with posters saying your DH was a duck. Sounds like he gave his view, but didn’t press it or follow up. He has to be allowed an opinion! But realistically where the two of you conflict I generally believe a mum knows best in those early months

humancalculator · 05/01/2023 22:14

It's perfectly normal for a baby that age to be a bit inconsolable in the evening. They are working through all of the stimuli they were bombarded with during the day. There's nothing wrong with letting them let off that steam independently, if normal cuddling doesn't seem to be doing the trick. Sometimes, if they don't want to be held, just gently resting a hand on them can provide comfort - they're not being 'abandoned', but they're not being held, either.

wyntersuhn · 05/01/2023 22:49

Great that DH wanted to help, but his response to your request was pretty off. Sometimes babies need a quiet grizzle as they settle off to sleep, and as you saw, a nappy change, full tummy and cuddle weren't going to change that. Lying there screaming for ages is one thing, grizzling off to sleep in 2 minutes is another. I used to find that if I tried to help my babies off to sleep in that state it made them worse and turned into a full blown screamer. Letting them have a whinge for a moment led to sleep so that's what we did.

NameChagaiiiin · 05/01/2023 22:59

Deffo not a shit Mum.even now at nearly 8 months my DD will just literally have occasional MEGA tantrums. Nothing wrong with her at all, I tend to just pop her on the floor and sit next to her whilst semi ignoring her. She calms WAY faster than when I used to scoop her up patting, rocking and shushing her all at the same time 😅😅
You're doing a great job, but I think your DH meant well in all honesty, probably just a bit frazzled.

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