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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I shit mum?

42 replies

Youcantstayhere · 05/01/2023 21:29

Hi all,

Just a bit upset so looking for opinions :-

My DS is 10 weeks old and is very much in the crying stage of his development and tonight he wouldn't settle he had a clean nappy, didn't want his bottle, didn't want to be held, didn't want to lie on his mat so I put him in his Moses basket and DH went to pick him up immediately and I said please can you leave him a couple of minutes, I think he's just for himself in a bit of a tizz and he needs a second - he fell asleep in less than two minutes.

DH said the crying out method is shit parenting and I explained it wasn't the crying out method, I just thought he needed a minute and then he sighed and shook his head and didn't say anything.

I don't think I did anything wrong but I wanted to check as I don't want to be a shit parent to DS.

OP posts:

CaffeineQueen · 05/01/2023 23:12

I think all the posters calling your DH a 'dick' and a 'knob' are out of order. To be clear, you did nothing wrong by leaving your baby for a couple of minutes to see if he'd settle, that's absolutely fine. He's only 10 weeks and you're still figuring out what works and what doesn't. However, you shouldn't 'ignore' your DH as has been suggested. His opinions are every bit as valid as yours. Granted, the huffing at your suggestion wasn't his most mature moment but you're likely both exhausted. Hearing a baby cry for 10 seconds can be distressing, nevermind 2 minutes (although it'll do them no harm) so I can understand DH's gut response in wanting to stop it by picking baby up. I think you're plan is a good one to speak to him in the morning when (hopefully) you've both had a good sleep and explain why you suggested leaving him a minute. It's all about communication. A baby can put a strain on the happiest of relationships .

BabyOnBoard90 · 05/01/2023 23:50

At that age we certainly had to let DC cry it out when all else failed.

It actually helps them learn to self-soothe.

backtomeagain · 06/01/2023 00:17

I once shouted at my ten week old baby to 'just shut up'. No you're not a shit mum. And my ten week old baby is now a happy, healthy, normal 9 year old.

Fourwallsclosingin · 06/01/2023 00:35

I was very lucky with my baby, but I still recall the advice given to me by my midwife in the first couple of weeks. If you're feeling overwhelmed at all, put baby in a safe space and go to another room and stay there until you feel better. Have a breather. More than anything you need to look after you. Your baby will be fine, but won't be fine if you're not ok. And in this instance, well DH is a right dick given baby fell asleep in 2 mins!

Bumply · 06/01/2023 08:20

My eldest was like this.
After everything else had been checked and sorted he still needed to cry himself to sleep.
Trying to comfort him would turn it from grizzly let me go to sleep cry to a wtf are you doing to me cry which would do the opposite of settle him

itsabigtree · 06/01/2023 08:28

Your husband is weird.

Of course that's not the cry it out method.

Babies get 'touched out' too. And as you say, sometimes need a min to calm themselves. Sometimes we intervene too much with babies!

CitronVert22 · 06/01/2023 08:32

No you're not shit. Babies cry and you tried different things and eventually he settled. All normal. But there are a lot of people plunging in to shout at DH. I think they are being unreasonable. No one likes hearings their baby upset and there's a lot of guilt about this sort of thing. He was worried about being cruel and I understand emotionally why he wanted to pick him up. This is the sort of thing where you have to come together and realise this is hard and unpredictable and not to work against each other. Trust that you are both doing your best - because you are!

Mardyface · 06/01/2023 08:38

You sound like a lovely mum! Though tbh it wouldn't be surprising if you didn't know what you were doing at 10 weeks as a FTM. I definitely didn't.

Anyway I came on to say that although you should like a lovely mum and were obviously right it's good to practise coming together rather than scoring points off each other at this stage. You can agree that it's horrible when the baby is crying even if you had a plan and it would have been better if he'd left it. There will be times when a spat is unavoidable and if it is avoidable don't have it!

PollyPut · 06/01/2023 09:03

This early, you are both learning what works. Clearly if baby fell asleep in 2 minutes, then you got it right.

I am no fan of the crying out method but on this occasion you were trying something out and paying attention - not leaving them to cry for long periods. He shook his head BEFORE he saw that this wasn't cry it out and child did actually drop off.

Don't worry, and really don't argue over this as you are both on the same side and both seem to love your DS.

underneaththeash · 06/01/2023 09:05

Well he was clearly over tired and would have just screamed more.

Tell your husband, next time, he can deal with it.

Cornettoninja · 06/01/2023 09:06

1hyuny · 05/01/2023 21:34

This!! You have instincts as a mum that dad's don't have. We literally grew our babies inside us- we can feel what that feel and instinctively know what they need. You are doing the right thing, ignore your husband.

Show quote history

Christ I couldn’t! I worked through a mental checklist most of the time.

OP you’re not a shit mum, maybe you need to talk to your DH about over stimulation, he may just not be aware of it.

LaFemmeDamnee · 06/01/2023 09:07

My older child always preferred to be cuddled to sleep. Still does, really. So I would cuddle and rock my second child, who would scream and scream. Then one day I'd had enough and put him down by himself for a couple of minutes to calm myself, and lo and behold he was fast asleep when I got back. Now he'll muck around at bedtime but then suddenly announce "Be quiet, I'm going to sleep" and totally crash out.

SallySunrise · 06/01/2023 09:18

Sometimes letting them cry briefly is actually the quickest way to get them to stop crying.

I can see why your DP was put out though, listening to a baby cry is hard. It feels a lot longer than it is. He probably felt a little overruled too, but then you would have if he'd ignored you and picked up the baby.

Basically neither of you were "wrong"

DialsMavis · 06/01/2023 09:25

I think you both sound like great parents. You went with your instincts and they were right. Your DH is clearly an engaged parent who had read up on parenting but was a bit over zealous this time

Cornettoninja · 06/01/2023 09:29

@LaFemmeDamnee that description of your dc2 made me smile

Don’t mess with my sleep time!

User359472111111 · 06/01/2023 09:33

You are not a shit mum, definitely not. But perhaps you should think about how you see your partner, who presumably is not a shit dad. It’s ok for him to pick the baby up if he thinks it’s right.

FromTheFront2theBack · 06/01/2023 09:41

I wouldn't leave a baby that young to cry if they wanted comfort but if he didn't want to be held anyway then I'm not sure the benefit of being picked up would be. Some babies do tend to have a cry before falling asleep. You'll be in tune to your own baby if he's just having a scream to release tension before he passes out then let him be. If he's scared and wants comfort pick him up. You're not a shit mum.

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