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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told friends daughter to consider something other than medicine?

39 replies

Summerishere123 · 05/01/2023 16:30

More of a friend of a friend really but got talking with her daughter about Alevels and her future plans. She mentioned wanting to be a child psychologist and going to med school. She then mentioned that she was failing Alevel chemistry.
I tried to gently point out that Med school would be a struggle if she was already failing the Alevel and that perhaps she should consider counselling or similar that didn't require medical pathway.
The daughter admitted that she needed to look into things more and that was the end of the conversation.
Now though, a week later I feel bad. Was I wrong to point out that she would struggle if she was already failing? I didn't mention to her that if she couldn't pass the Alevel she wasn't likely to even get in! I personally feel that people should be realistic about their abilities after seeing a family members dreams shattered after wanting to get into medical school and failing the same course. As a result he didn't get onto his course and his life has lost all meaning for him and he is really struggling.
In this case it really wasn't my business to say anything but it was how the conversation was going and felt okay at the time. Would you be mad at me if it was your daughter?

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 05/01/2023 16:32

She needs to do more research, child psychology doesn’t require a medical degree.

Redbushteaforme · 05/01/2023 16:34

YABU because If she wants to be a child psychologist, she doesn't need to study medicine or even, as far as I know, have an A level in Chemistry. However, YABU in pointing out that if you are struggling at A level in a subject, it might not be the best idea to pursue it at university.

MargieReen · 05/01/2023 16:35

Did she mean psychiatrist? You don’t need a medical degree for psychology.

Redbushteaforme · 05/01/2023 16:35

Sorry, that should say: However, YANBU in pointing out...

nailsathome · 05/01/2023 16:37

It depends on what she means by "failing". If she's predicted a U then yes she needs to look at other options. If it's a C, it may be that with a bit of tutoring some concepts may click and she achieves what she needs to. There are other routes into medicine too such as other Biomed degrees which you can then apply for medicine after completing.

I think I would have preferred you had the discussion with me rather than my daughter as you don't know what impact your words will have had on her and whether her parents have already put a plan in place with her

Tilllly · 05/01/2023 16:38

Definitely not. My son is a doctor and the first year is chemistry heavy (he hated it!!) and we had to get him a tutor to make sure he got an A in chemistry, and he wasn't even struggling with it. As far as I know, most med schools want top scores

All you have done is got her to think about different options and do some research, and that's a good thing

Her mum may have said the same, but what teenager listens to their mum?

Original poster
Summerishere123 · 05/01/2023 16:39

She said she wanted to go to med school and then become a child psychologist. She may have meant psychiatrist. Either way more research required!

OP posts:
Original poster
Summerishere123 · 05/01/2023 16:40

@nailsathome currently getting a D.

OP posts:
Beamur · 05/01/2023 16:41

I think hearing the same message from adults who aren't your parents is very helpful.
It might be the nudge needed to up her game studying or think about other options.

Cheshiresun · 05/01/2023 16:42

Many medical schools won't accept resits. So you often need A's first time

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 05/01/2023 16:44

There's no point in keeping stum and letting her waste time applying to medical school with a projected D in Chemistry. You'd hope her school or college would prevent that happening, but the earlier she realises this the better.

For child psychology, as others have said, she needs to do a Psychology degree accredited by the British Psychological Society. Most people with Psychology degrees don't go on to directly relevant careers, but some manage it.

Psychiatry, as has also been pointed out, is a totally different career which requires specialist training after getting a medical degree.

Moraxella · 05/01/2023 16:47

I got in with resits, it’s possible but not easy.

Would counsel anyone to avoid studying medicine.

Chemistry is hard and maybe she needs some extra help, for me it clicked in the end and became my favourite subject. Didn’t need it too much in med school but it might feature in postgraduate specialty exams.

Floomobal · 05/01/2023 16:50

Summerishere123 · 05/01/2023 16:39

She said she wanted to go to med school and then become a child psychologist. She may have meant psychiatrist. Either way more research required!

It’s none of your business really. If she doesn’t know the difference between psychology and psychiatry she won’t be getting into any med schools anyway. Better to let her do what she wants, and take the lesson when it comes.

A friend of a friend of your parent is not an appropriate person to shit on your dreams

girlmom21 · 05/01/2023 16:51

She wasn't upset and took your advice on board. Why are you questioning it a week later?

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 05/01/2023 16:59

Floomobal · 05/01/2023 16:50

It’s none of your business really. If she doesn’t know the difference between psychology and psychiatry she won’t be getting into any med schools anyway. Better to let her do what she wants, and take the lesson when it comes.

A friend of a friend of your parent is not an appropriate person to shit on your dreams

Show quote history

Giving a gentle realistic nudge isn’t shitting in someone’s dreams. Just letting someone continue regardless is!

By being encouraged to do more research she can find a path that works and allows her to follow her interests (maybe a modified version of her original plan).

If a family friend doesn’t have that conversation, who should? Parents - often goes in one ear and out the other? School? Friends?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/01/2023 17:01

A 'friend of a friends' daughter'?

Why are you so invested in her choices?

RampantIvy · 05/01/2023 17:05

I got in with resits, it’s possible but not easy.

How long ago was this? I think it is even more difficult these days to get in with resits as it is so competitive and there are loads of students who got straight As or higher first time round, and excellent UCAT scores. Medical schools can afford to be picky.

A friend of a friend of your parent is not an appropriate person to shit on your dreams

I disagree. They are more likely to listen to someone who isn't a parent. A student getting D's in chemistry won't get into medical school that is certain.

Sherbetdib · 05/01/2023 17:05

If she knows she is struggling with Chemistry at A level and doesn't think she will obtain it I would have hoped she might realise this is highly likely to rule out medical school. And perhaps she does. Hence the conversation. I wouldn't feel bad OP. She is going to have some choices to make. So long as people are friendly and supportive but realistic then that is fine.

Thegoodandbadlife · 05/01/2023 17:19

If she wants to study medicine at Uni then requirement is at least an A at A level. Unless she can turn it around and convince the school to predict an A she won’t even be looked at (was the case for me but had reasons why I wasn’t doing as well as expected). Sounds like she’s not investigate ms or researched enough and you’ve reminded her too. UKAT needs to be booked and sat and work experience booked and completed before October deadline for 24/25 start.

hettie · 05/01/2023 17:25

She wouldn't get into most undergraduate psychology courses with a D either (at least not the ones that give you GBR which you would need to apply for the doctorate which is the pathway for practitioner psychologists).....
Maybe she hasn't really thought about it much (which is fine) and just mumbles something about it when asked to tell Aunty X Uncle blah about what she's doing at school and what she wants to do. I wouldn't worry too much.....

PuttingDownRoots · 05/01/2023 17:49

Even with straight As its worth having a back up plan to medicine.

Stompythedinosaur · 05/01/2023 18:00

While you aren't wrong, I don't think it's your place to suggest to a friend's child that they might lack ability in their chosen area.

Testina · 05/01/2023 18:09

I wouldn’t appreciate a friend of a friend wading in with my child, really. I would know that any child admitted to an A level chemistry course was bright enough to grasp university entrance requirements AND be in a school anyway where discussion will happen. On the offchance that my child was in a funk because they weren’t working hard enough or just losing a bit of confidence during a tricky term, I wouldn’t want a stranger watering that seed that they weren’t good enough. A friend maybe - who knew my child - no a friend of a friend though.

@Summerishere123 did you know that some schools grade you during the year on your current level, and it’s not your predicted grade? If she’s a Y12 one term in and currently working at a D, as her mother I’d be really pissed off that you’d encouraged her to see that as a failure!

Testina · 05/01/2023 18:16

In fact, she is Y12, isn’t she?
Because she said she should into it more.
If she was Y13, her UCAS deadline would in less than 3 weeks, so her application would be in!
So yeah - I’d be pissed off that some rando friend of a friend just encouraged my child to see themselves as failing.
It’s a difficult subject, and jump from GCSE is big - especially if she’s done Double not Triple Science GCSE. Unusual for a chemistry student, but possible. Even from triple, it’s a big jump, and she’s only had one term where she’s settling into a new syllabus.
Even if it’s a predicted grade on current work - though it might as I say be an actual level - then it may well be less than she’s capable of.
So yeah - YABU to stick your beak into this one.

postcardpuffin · 05/01/2023 18:29

YANBU. I’m not sure what all of the people in this thread saying “I would have not been keen that you discuss this with my child” think a degree, especially a medical degree, involves. Or even A-levels. A student needs to learn how to receive and assess information from all sources. Listening to the opinions and advice of a friend of your parents, and factoring it in to a range of other opinions from school, independent research, all parts of life, is exactly one of the key skills she needs to be developing.

No young person hoping to study for a degree should be encouraged to be previous about who should and who shouldn’t be allowed to talk to them about their applications and careers. They should be getting out there asking questions and taking a range of advice and backing it up with independent research. If they can’t learn that skill, they won’t be much good at a degree (or indeed A-level), and especially not a medical or scientific degree.

If she was 12 or 13 one might be indulgent of slightly unrealistic ideas, but at 16/17 it’s time to be growing up and getting real, not indulging in illusions. If she isn’t making the grade at chemistry A-level she needs to know it, so that she can either improve or change her expectations before they get dashed and she wastes time and university choices. It’s unkind to protect young people that age from developing the skills and resilience they will need to deal with real life.