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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I'm just an unlikable person

74 replies

wonderinglyconfused · 05/01/2023 14:53

I'm a female in my late thirties. I have a husband and 2 children and have a tight network of friends, although the circle isn't a big one. I'm naturally an introvert, but I'm generally a good communicator and am able to override my instinct to be quiet and shy and be warm and friendly to people. In the past years in work, I have forged good relationships and friendships with people and haven't noticed a difficulty in getting along with people.

I changed jobs last year, and have now encountered someone who literally can't even make eye contact with me when we are working on the same floor. He is friendly with other people, but he will literally act as though I am not there. I share my office with a colleague, and this person will come into our office to chat with my colleague about non work related things and he will literally turn his back on me. He won't even give me a courteous "hello" or a smile as he enters, even though I obviously look up to see who is coming into the room.

I returned to work after Christmas this week, but my office share has got an additional week off. Yesterday this person came into my room to ask me whether my office share had sent off some files before Christmas. He didn't bother with any of the usual niceties of "Hello" or "Happy New Year", he just straight up asked me about what our colleague had done. Although I share the office with another person, we actually work in completely different departments and our jobs have nothing to do with each other, so why he was asking I have no idea as I wouldn't have been able to tell him. I said I wasn't sure as it wasn't my department and he walked off. No "thanks anyway" or "do you know someone who would know", he just walked off.
I know it shouldn't bother me, but it really does that this person is so uninterested in even being polite towards me. I hear him in the corridor and rec room chatting and laughing with everyone else, and it literally feels like he's just got an issue with me. It's started to make me think that there's really something wrong with me.
Weirdly enough, I also have this issue with my brother in law. I don't see him very often, so I don't dwell on it the way I am doing now with this work colleague, but whenever we meet at family gatherings, he finds it impossible to talk to me, look at me or generally acknowledge that I exist. I've told my husband about this (it's his sister's husband). And he thought that I was reading into something that wasn't there. Incidentally my husband gets on incredibly well with him. But at Christmas this year, my husband conceded that I was indeed correct, after making a conscious effort to really notice how my BIL behaved towards me. He agreed that this man won't look at me. When we were in a group of adults and I was speaking, he would look at his drink without looking up once. And when it was his turn to speak, he would make eye contact with everyone in the group as he spoke, except me. My husband was shocked at just how blatant it was that he was so determined not to give any form of acknowledgement. I literally can't think of anything I would have done to cause this behaviour. We hardly see my SIL and BIL and I am always warm and friendly when we meet. I get on very well with my husband's sister (BIL wife) and have a good relationship with their kids when we do see them.
I guess these two incidences cropping up so close together have got me thinking... is there something wrong or unlikeable about me? Am I giving off some vibe which stops these people from even giving me the basics of manners. Of course I can't expect everyone to like me, but surely I should be able to expect everyone I spend time with to be polite towards me? It just seems so crazy that I know two people who act like I'm not there in my presence? AIBU to think there's something wrong with me? Has anyone else encountered something like this? Is this something I can fix? Or do I just need to accept that they are going to continue to behave like that and just try to manage my feelings around it? Any ideas as to why they might behave like this towards me? I can't help but be a little hurt by their behaviour.

OP posts:

Aftersevens · 05/01/2023 17:00

Yes, you’re obviously just unlikeable. That’s why you have lots of friends!!!
Honestly OP, they’re two people. Out of everyone, you think you are unlikable because TWO rude men don’t like you?
It’s obviously them or you just don’t gel, or you remind them of someone they don’t like……..
So many possibilities more likely than that you are intrinsically unlikable.
You sound lovely. Believe on yourself!

Sherbetdib · 05/01/2023 17:12

Do you think he might have wanted your job ? But you got it? Not right or justifying of course, but a possible?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 05/01/2023 17:13

Quinoawoman · 05/01/2023 16:59

I would be tempted to just ask if I had done something to upset them. If the answer if yes, then you'll be able to fix it. If not, then you'll be able to explain that you find their behaviour upsetting.

^I agree with this actually. Especially with the person at work. You can give very clear examples of him having spoke in a rude manner if he asks why you are asking him.

whoyougonnacallGOATSBUTTER · 05/01/2023 17:15

I’ve had a few people tell me that their first impressions of me were way off base. A couple thought I was aloof / snooty, not realising that it was my natural reserve as an introvert.

I’ve also had people tell me that they thought I might be judgemental or goody two shoes.

I am none of these things an I’m now good friends with those people.

It seems we can’t control how people perceive us.

With your colleague, I think there are some men who see women people to date or banter with and if he can’t get anything out of you, then you become invisible to them. Ignore him, don’t make overtures.

With your BIL, I would speak to SIL and ask tactfully if she knows of any issue why he may be behaving like this.

Sherbetdib · 05/01/2023 17:16

Sometimes people who won't make eye contact because they are too frightened to. They might be fine around people they are confident with and know. But have some sort of fear you might see into their soul. It might be that he doesn't like you. But equally he might like you an awful lot....

Thighlengthboots · 05/01/2023 17:19

SleeplessInEngland · 05/01/2023 14:57

I think a big tenet of being an adult is accepting that not everyone will like you and that doesn't necessarily make you an unlikeable person.

Yep- this. It doesn’t matter how popular you are, how kind you are, how gracious you are, there will always be someone who doesn’t like you. Think about it- there are probably many people you don’t particularly gel with and don’t warm to, it doesn’t mean they are hateful, awful people or serial killers etc. Most people’s reactions to us are a result of them and how they are, and the lens they view life through. So unless you have been blatantly rude to these two people don’t waste any more precious time on this. Let them be- it’s only them who are missing out by adopting an arsey attitude and that WILL have ripples in their own lives.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 05/01/2023 17:27

It doesn't seem to me that these two men don't like you, but rather, for some reason, they are being deliberately incredibly rude to you. If they are friendly towards other people when you are there, and ostentatiously make a point of completely ignoring you, then I call this hostile behaviour. Nowadays, in my old age, I'd be inclined to call it out and ask what their problem is. But when I was in my 30s, I'd probably just have been upset like you and said nothing! Maybe they do find you attractive and therefore can't cope with ordinary good manners around you, who knows?

julz87 · 05/01/2023 17:45

Panpastels · 05/01/2023 15:03

Do you consider yourself physically attractive? Just wondering as they are both men, if it's some weirdness about that (not wanting to be seen as friendly or something because you're attractive).

I wondered this too. My guess is you're pretty and slim and these men fancy you but don't want to show it!?

TheDietStartsTomorrowOrMaybeTheDayAfter · 05/01/2023 17:47

I bet he went for your job and was unsuccessful.

Mirabai · 05/01/2023 18:04

I don't think the "he's mean to you because he likes you" trope actually exists in reality.

Totally does. Some men and women act quite bizarrely around a super attractive person.

You say you’re quite normal looking so it’s not likely to be that - I wonder if you’re quite confident and can be abrasive? Otherwise I haven’t scoobies.

The guy at work - he didn’t apply for your job did he?

Mirabai · 05/01/2023 18:05

TheDietStartsTomorrowOrMaybeTheDayAfter · 05/01/2023 17:47

I bet he went for your job and was unsuccessful.

Yep.

SallyWD · 05/01/2023 18:06

Yes this was my first thought. I think men are perfectly comfortable talking to women they DON'T find attractive. If they're not making eye contact I'd guess they're shy and they fancy you!

Thereisnolight · 05/01/2023 18:07

You think you’re unlikeable because two men won’t chat to you even though you have lots of other friends?
I can’t help but suspect that you want to be told they must fancy you.

OnlyFannys · 05/01/2023 18:11

The attraction thing might be true, when I fancy someone I struggle.to make eye contact or conversation with them, I think it's a subconscious self preservation thing rather than being mean as if I come across like I dont like them then when they reject me nobody will think I care. My brain is stupid sometimes.

Fairislefandango · 05/01/2023 18:31

I can totally understand why their hostility really bothers you, but it's very odd that you conclude that you're an unlikeable person based on two people not liking you, when everyone else appears to like you.

Lilgamesh2 · 05/01/2023 18:40

In the case of the work colleague it could be that you have no utility for him. Some people are real douchebags like that and are only nice to people that make the cut as friends or people they can use.

He was so overtly rude that I don't think it's that he fancies you, although it's a possibility.

Francisca459 · 05/01/2023 18:41

It sounds like you have a lovely life. Why does it bother you so much that there are two men in the world who do not like you? Why do you care? People don't have to like anyone and can't be made to. That's fine. The guy at work - it sounds like he resents you for some reason, though, rather than dislike.

Abitofalark · 05/01/2023 19:23

If you are an aware and sensitive person, it's unsettling and leads you to question and doubt yourself if someone is so obviously rude or snubbing you but if it's just a couple of random people it is more likely to be a reflection of something in them than you.

I know that doesn't answer why they do it but it's impossible to account for everyone's odd behavioural quirks or inconsistencies in their interactions at work or socially. Individuals can be very socially awkward sometimes, even with simple everyday encounters. I've sometimes come across that and been bewildered by it but it's just how they are.

indie123 · 07/01/2023 17:37

You can’t be liked by everyone

Im a manager and there’s one girl at my work who is the same with me. Rest of team are fine

Im an introvert aswell

I wouldn’t dwell on it and certainly don’t think you should think of yourself as unlikeable

scronda · 07/01/2023 17:42

I think in the Scandinavian languages, or at the least the one I'm most familiar with, it's i-kea rather than eye-kea. Though I don't know anyone who says the former in this country. The IKEA advert has had a lot of people doubting themselves. What are we supposed to call it now?

scronda · 07/01/2023 17:43

I clicked on the wrong thread

ToooOldForThis · 07/01/2023 17:46

I have a person like this at my work. It upset me a lot for a while but I am trying to accept that it's his issue and not mine. He's Mr popular so I do have some fun addressing him directly when other people are there, and watching the internal struggle as he has to reply to me so he doesn't lose face in front of other people!

Almostwelsh · 07/01/2023 17:48

They fancy you and know you are off-limits and it's making them incredibly awkward.

harrassedmumto3 · 07/01/2023 18:06

Interesting that it only seems to be men who are like this towards you.

Whatever. It's their issue, not yours.
I would need to have it out with the colleague though.

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