to think I'm just an unlikable person

[wonderinglyconfused]

I'm a female in my late thirties. I have a husband and 2 children and have a tight network of friends, although the circle isn't a big one. I'm naturally an introvert, but I'm generally a good communicator and am able to override my instinct to be quiet and shy and be warm and friendly to people. In the past years in work, I have forged good relationships and friendships with people and haven't noticed a difficulty in getting along with people.

I changed jobs last year, and have now encountered someone who literally can't even make eye contact with me when we are working on the same floor. He is friendly with other people, but he will literally act as though I am not there. I share my office with a colleague, and this person will come into our office to chat with my colleague about non work related things and he will literally turn his back on me. He won't even give me a courteous "hello" or a smile as he enters, even though I obviously look up to see who is coming into the room.

I returned to work after Christmas this week, but my office share has got an additional week off. Yesterday this person came into my room to ask me whether my office share had sent off some files before Christmas. He didn't bother with any of the usual niceties of "Hello" or "Happy New Year", he just straight up asked me about what our colleague had done. Although I share the office with another person, we actually work in completely different departments and our jobs have nothing to do with each other, so why he was asking I have no idea as I wouldn't have been able to tell him. I said I wasn't sure as it wasn't my department and he walked off. No "thanks anyway" or "do you know someone who would know", he just walked off.
I know it shouldn't bother me, but it really does that this person is so uninterested in even being polite towards me. I hear him in the corridor and rec room chatting and laughing with everyone else, and it literally feels like he's just got an issue with me. It's started to make me think that there's really something wrong with me.
Weirdly enough, I also have this issue with my brother in law. I don't see him very often, so I don't dwell on it the way I am doing now with this work colleague, but whenever we meet at family gatherings, he finds it impossible to talk to me, look at me or generally acknowledge that I exist. I've told my husband about this (it's his sister's husband). And he thought that I was reading into something that wasn't there. Incidentally my husband gets on incredibly well with him. But at Christmas this year, my husband conceded that I was indeed correct, after making a conscious effort to really notice how my BIL behaved towards me. He agreed that this man won't look at me. When we were in a group of adults and I was speaking, he would look at his drink without looking up once. And when it was his turn to speak, he would make eye contact with everyone in the group as he spoke, except me. My husband was shocked at just how blatant it was that he was so determined not to give any form of acknowledgement. I literally can't think of anything I would have done to cause this behaviour. We hardly see my SIL and BIL and I am always warm and friendly when we meet. I get on very well with my husband's sister (BIL wife) and have a good relationship with their kids when we do see them.
I guess these two incidences cropping up so close together have got me thinking... is there something wrong or unlikeable about me? Am I giving off some vibe which stops these people from even giving me the basics of manners. Of course I can't expect everyone to like me, but surely I should be able to expect everyone I spend time with to be polite towards me? It just seems so crazy that I know two people who act like I'm not there in my presence? AIBU to think there's something wrong with me? Has anyone else encountered something like this? Is this something I can fix? Or do I just need to accept that they are going to continue to behave like that and just try to manage my feelings around it? Any ideas as to why they might behave like this towards me? I can't help but be a little hurt by their behaviour.

I think as it’s only 2 people it’s probably more about them than you.

maybe you need to think about why, when people are rude to you, you assume the the problem is with you and not them.

Some people are very quick to dislike someone or can dislike someone for spurious reasons.

Is there any potential this colleague applied for your job and didn’t get it?

I think most people have at least a couple of people who, don’t like them. That’s just life. That colleague shouldn’t be being rude though. I’d be tempted to be extra with the hellos and smiles.

That's interesting as I've noticed this too, but like you only with certain men. I've decided it must be a subconscious thing and they're picking up negative vibes from me and know that I can see through them.

It definitely doesn't mean you're in likeable! As you say, you have good friends and good relationships with other colleagues. It says a lot more about them than it does about you.

I think this too. It’s not love actually ffs

Have you considered they're absolute cunts?

Nobody likes being disliked and giving it headspace when you think it's you is tough.
So I want you to think to yourself, "they're cunts, I'm fab" until it sinks in.
Doesn't matter also if you're outstandingly beautiful or very average, the reason isn't your concern. They're arseholes and you aren't the problem.

One last time, "they're cunts, I'm fab".

That did make me laugh.

My first thought was that you should have more solid self-esteem than letting the behaviour of one single colleague make you think you might be fundamentally unlikeable. My second was that they might both fancy you. Whatever, the problem is not you, it's them. I really wouldn't give it another thought. We can't get on with everyone. Some people are weird. Life's too short to spend it worrying about them.

Thank you, this message really made me smile 😊

Sorry, not got that hang of this site, the message above was aimed at the one from frootloopswearcowgirlboots

Similar happened to me with a guy at work and I just assumed he fancied me and felt awkward about it. There's no reason to think it's you if you have other friends and generally get on well with people. I'd forget it and move on!

As long as you can communicate well enough to get the job done, then it's okay. Of course it's easier if people like you, but not everyone will, and that's okay.

I work in a particularly techy area of IT, and if we gor rid of everyone who isn't fully socially competent, we'd probably lose half the department (including me some days.) But it's quite rare it's actually a barrier to work being done, and that's when it needs raising.

Truly unlikeable people generally don’t care enough to wonder whether or not they are likeable!

Thank you all for your thoughts. The idea of them being attracted to me, I really don't think is the issue. I don't think the "he's mean to you because he likes you" trope actually exists in reality. Am I attractive? I don't know. I'm not unattractive (my husband quite likes me) but I wouldn't say I'm particularly make people feel uncomfortable attractive either. But either way, I don't think this is the issue. Thank you for reassuring me that some people are just rude and I need not worry about it. I'm an over thinker by nature and I do understand that not everyone will like me. I just know that whether I liked someone or not, I'd still be courteous to them and certainly not act like they are invisible. Ah well. Can't win them all! I'll also monitor the work situation, as like many of you have said, I shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in the work place by this behaviour.

I don't think the "he's mean to you because he likes you" trope actually exists in reality.

Not mean, necessarily, but uncomfortable / finding it hard to make conversation, absolutely - it does exist.

I would suspect it's some variation of them feeling a certain attraction & finding it awkward to manage.

The other alternative is that you became aware of your colleagues' behaviour & reflecting on it made you conscious of your BIL treating you similarly. So nothing to do with you, just two people behaving a little rudely / not connecting with you & you've noticed it.

I think they probably do fancy you - colleague just completely awkward and trying not to make it obvious he likes you, BIL might be desperately trying to not let his wife notice if he looks at you. Both idiots.

Oh, I thought you were going to say you had no mates and couldn't make any, but that two people didn't like you.

I gained a lot of peace of mind when I accepted some people will just not like you and it's not your fault and you don't have to 'fix' it.

Whatever is the cause of their odd behaviour, it isn't you. It's their hang up about whatever it is that bothers them. It could be absolutely anything that's personal to them that's causing it. I would just categorise both of them as having some weird hang up, and give it no more thought.

I think a bit part of adulthood is realising that not everyone in the world is going to like you. Through NO fault of your own, and for no obvious reason.

I know I've had it in the past. A girl in my flat at uni went out of her way to make sure I knew I wasn't her type of person. And in later years, about 10-12 years ago now, there was a work colleague I hadn't particularly gelled with, but I heard she'd attended a funeral the day before, so I thought I'd be nice and ask how it went. This was the literal conversation. Note that I was about 26 at the time, this woman was probably early 40s.
Me: sat down next to her in the staffroom at lunchtime I hope the funeral yesterday went okay?
Her: long pause and stare What?
Me: I heard you went to a funeral yesterday? I hope it was alright.
Her: Why are you asking?
Me: I'm just asking.
Her: weird shrug and turns her back on me

From that moment on, I mentally released myself for even trying to be friendly with this woman. I deliberately went from "trying hard to be friendly" to "purely professional only".

I'm always shocked when it happens though, as I do genuinely get on with most people!

But, what's that saying? You can be the sweetest peach on the tree, but there'll always be someone who doesn't like peaches.

This colleague of yours, and your BIL have made it perfectly clear that you're not their peach. Release yourself from the obligation of trying. "You don't like me? It's alright, I'm not a massive fan of you, either."

To be honest OP you sound really lovely and also self aware. It’s definitely not you but them - and who gives a crap about what their reasons are.

I’ve had situations like this especially when I was younger at uni, where a couple of people just haven’t liked an aspect of my personality - is what it is. I have lots of friends and try to be a kind person.

can’t please everyone and I am not bothered enough to try!

Like other PPs, @wonderinglyconfused , my first thought was that you are possibly a particularly attractive specimen, they fancy you and know that they would never be in with a chance. And they can't deal with it.

It's classic behaviour from men who fancy you but know you are unavailable and if you are in your late 30s I'm amazed you do not know this. I would have assumed this was the case immediately and probably wouldn't have brought it to my husbands attention that his brother was attracted to me!

And mine.

I also find it hard to believe that you are late 30s and 'don't know' if you are attractive or not.

Waiting for the drip feed that you are a Victoria Secret model 😉

Well I think op is being honest, it's subjective isn't it whether you are attractive?

Only up to a certain point.

Very few people I think would argue that Keanu Reeves in his heyday was an ugly munter.

I would be tempted to just ask if I had done something to upset them. If the answer if yes, then you'll be able to fix it. If not, then you'll be able to explain that you find their behaviour upsetting.