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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL advice?

38 replies

giuliax · 05/01/2023 14:27

I'm not going to sit here and rant about how my MIL can be really annoying sometimes and if i'm being unreasonable for thinking this, i'm asking for genuine advice as to how to deal with this situation.

I'm aware that this is partly if not mostly my fault for letting it get this far, and i want to know how i can break the habit as nicely as possible to avoid drama and any sort of tension.

My MIL has a tendency of relying on me for everything, calling and attending her appointments, translating emails/texts for her at random times of the day (eg. 11pm). It's my fault that I have allowed it to get this far but sometimes I just want to say "can't you ask your DH or your DS" I have an 11 month old and it's becoming a burden to have to constantly interrupt routine with him to be present at all times she needs.

I don't know how to approach the situation nicely and avoid confrontation or bad blood. Today I was shopping and she called me 6 times in the space of 20 minutes, that, on top of a grumpy teething baby, has been my last straw and i know i need to do something about this.

How do you suggest i approach situation in the nicest/calmest way possible?

OP posts:
Superiorsweet16 · 05/01/2023 14:29

Don’t be reliable.

miss a few of her calls or take a while to respond back to messages. She’ll work out it’s better to contact someone else.

ApolloandDaphne · 05/01/2023 14:29

You need to get your DH on board. Ask him to ask his DM to contact him about stuff as you have enough on your hands.

SunshineAndFizz · 05/01/2023 14:33

Tell her your phone is playing up and to contact your DH instead. Tell DH he needs to deal with the queries.

And simply stop answering her calls and texts for a while until she gets into a new routine of relying on others.

Shoxfordian · 05/01/2023 14:34

Stop answering all the calls

SomethingOriginal2 · 05/01/2023 14:35

Exactly as above. Be utterly unreliable. You're the chosen one because you get it done. Don't answer the phone for ages. Put it on silent if it disturbs you. Um an ah, say you're busy and you'll try to do it tomorrow. Forget. Tell you're you're in bed (if someone rang me at 11pm I'd be asleep and bloody furious at being woken up tbh)
Say "yeah no problem I'll tell DH." Tell him and leave him to it.

ZED55JAX0 · 05/01/2023 14:35

Don’t answer! Say your phones not working as well as it was

jeaux90 · 05/01/2023 14:42

Boundaries are yours to put in place then you can defend them.

I would speak to your partner, tell him you need to do that so he knows what's coming next.

Then you need to say to your MIL that you are very busy with the toddler etc and can't accommodate all the asks and can't pick up the phone every time. Then start saying no, because once you've put boundaries in place you need to enforce them.

IneedanewTV · 05/01/2023 14:45

It’s because you have always answered her calls. I bet her DH and DS ignore them.

newnamequickly · 05/01/2023 15:04

Phone on silent. When you finally answer just say oh sorry
my phone was left on silent.

Then silent it again the following day.

You haven't lied and you've told her why you missed her calls.

You will still get back to her, just not repeatedly through the day.

LookItsMeAgain · 05/01/2023 15:10

As per the previous suggestions but I would add one more. I'd be telling her that no more phone calls will be answered between the hours of 10pm or even 9pm and 9am the following day. None. Not one.

If she doesn't get a response from your phone, she is to contact your DH (her son) or someone else during those times.
You must also have made your DH aware that you'll not be answering any queries from her during that time so even if she gets a response from him (as in he answers her phone call) he is not under any circumstances to hand his phone over to you to deal with. Nope. Not going to happen.

Please put your phone on silent a lot too. I've missed calls from my mum and returned the call when it suited me.

Hopelessacademic · 05/01/2023 16:24

perhaps your phone is "broken" for a week or so???

Seriously though, I think setting a boundary of only reading her messages for an hour in the evening say would help. I'm guessing a lot of the stuff that was "urgent" will then also no longer be needed!

EndlessRain1 · 05/01/2023 16:26

Stop answering. She goes to you as, I assume, you are the most responsive person. So stop being so responsive.

Tdcp · 05/01/2023 16:28

Superiorsweet16 · 05/01/2023 14:29

Don’t be reliable.

miss a few of her calls or take a while to respond back to messages. She’ll work out it’s better to contact someone else.

I agree with this. This is usually how I get out of such situations without being a bit of a twat about it.

Lkydfju · 05/01/2023 16:28

Sorry mil I’m a bit busy now can you call DH or your DS on repeat; I’m not sure I’d go down the route of ignoring her calls as i think she’d feel quite abandoned and in fairness it’s a situation you created as much as her as you say.
My mil used to bombard me with messages about arrangements or buying something so I’d just text and say I’ll get back to her later or can she call DH and she slowly changed her habits and got used to it

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 05/01/2023 16:38

Don’t answer.

Just because someone chooses to call or message you doesn’t mean you have to be available.

When she says ‘you didn’t pick up / respond’ etc say breezily ‘I had my phone tuned off because I was busy’.

Meanwhile start basing engagement on your terms. ‘MIL, I will be in town today , would you like me to pick something up ? / MIL, I have an hour on Wednesday morning so let me know by Tue evening of anything you want translated’.

You could say ‘at the moment I am getting Dc into a routine, I will be looking at my phone 10-11 am and 4-6 pm, otherwise it will be off! I am spending too much time glued to my phone, NYE to leave it on silent!”

Radiatorvalves · 05/01/2023 17:33

is she well? The volume of calls does not seem normal. Could she possibly be suffering early stages of dementia?

Hankunamatata · 05/01/2023 17:35

Forward calls to dh

Original poster
giuliax · 05/01/2023 17:50

appreciate all the comments above, will take all into consideration and set some kind of routine for answering and boundaries! refuse to have to always be available when i convenient for me and DS. thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
giuliax · 05/01/2023 17:51

Radiatorvalves · 05/01/2023 17:33

is she well? The volume of calls does not seem normal. Could she possibly be suffering early stages of dementia?

Very unlikely, she's reaching 50s, so chances of her developing dementia yet aren't very high. As long as i've known her, if you don't answer the first time, she will keep insisting. DH has told her off for this, but she remains doing so!

OP posts:
FixItUpChappie · 05/01/2023 18:00

Is there a cultural way she views your role in the family in relation to herself? If so perhaps there is more specific advise that could be offered from those in a similar circumstance. I just got that feel from your OP.

FromTheFront2theBack · 05/01/2023 18:02

I think your DH should be dealing with it in the first instance. He should explain to his mum that the level of support is unsustainable and she should call him (at XYZ time that is convenient) for help if needed. If she continues to call you, you need to not answer.

Retrievemysanity · 05/01/2023 18:07

I had a friend who was a bit like this. In the end I had to just stop answering the calls if I was doing something and phoned her back at a time that was convenient for me. No way I’d have ever answered my phone at 11pm though. Good luck.

EL8888 · 05/01/2023 18:08

Time for some boundaries: be less available and bat it to your husband. Instinct tells me it’s old fashioned sexism that brings her to you. She’s not even your mother?! What happens when she rings your husband?

Flossflower · 05/01/2023 18:12

Show her how to use Google for translating

choccyporcupine · 05/01/2023 18:49

agree needs to be stopped asap as once your little one is walking (running!) all over the place you will not find it so easy to just pop out and run errands etc. i used to be the same with my grandma, drove her everywhere etc etc but now that my dd is nearly 2 i barely manage to cope with doing my own food shop while chasing her nevermind helping other people out