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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL advice?

38 replies

giuliax · 05/01/2023 14:27

I'm not going to sit here and rant about how my MIL can be really annoying sometimes and if i'm being unreasonable for thinking this, i'm asking for genuine advice as to how to deal with this situation.

I'm aware that this is partly if not mostly my fault for letting it get this far, and i want to know how i can break the habit as nicely as possible to avoid drama and any sort of tension.

My MIL has a tendency of relying on me for everything, calling and attending her appointments, translating emails/texts for her at random times of the day (eg. 11pm). It's my fault that I have allowed it to get this far but sometimes I just want to say "can't you ask your DH or your DS" I have an 11 month old and it's becoming a burden to have to constantly interrupt routine with him to be present at all times she needs.

I don't know how to approach the situation nicely and avoid confrontation or bad blood. Today I was shopping and she called me 6 times in the space of 20 minutes, that, on top of a grumpy teething baby, has been my last straw and i know i need to do something about this.

How do you suggest i approach situation in the nicest/calmest way possible?

OP posts:

bigknickersbigknockers · 05/01/2023 19:20

Phone on “do not disturb “ between 9pm and 8am. Don’t be so quick to answer calls

RaininSummer · 05/01/2023 19:35

If she is only 50 why does she need so much help with everything? Assuming she is staying in this country or wherever you are, if that is why she needs things translated, encourage her to learn the language. You are going to have up to 40 more years of this.

Cherrysoup · 05/01/2023 19:55

Just don’t answer the phone, don’t be available and stop being a doormat! Why can’t she speak to her Dh?

stoptheasshat · 05/01/2023 19:57

Good lord, I'm moments away from 50 with a ft job, 3 kids and make it my business to learn something new as often as possible. Far too young to descend into decrepit ways! Does she work? She needs to find a hobby and do some volunteer work to get her mind active!
Not helpful from me though! Agree that you need to be far less available

SnackSizeRaisin · 05/01/2023 20:10

Don't answer the phone if you're busy. Get back to her when you have time. That might be later the same day or the next day. That's how I deal with pretty much everything in life - it'd never occur to me to answer the phone while looking after a toddler or shopping, unless I was waiting for a call back from the GP or something like that. You need to concentrate on what you're doing not be glued to a phone all the time. Pretend it's a landline and you can't answer when away from home. It also used to be considered bad etiquette to phone after 9 pm . So I wouldn't answer then either.

RunLolaRun102 · 05/01/2023 20:15

If you’re at home and your DH is working f/t you need to reach an understanding with him about how you’re going to handle his mum. I wouldn’t be happy if my DH made my DM come to me if I was working all hours just to avoid a phonecall.

SchnauzerEyebrows · 05/01/2023 23:13

@giuliax Shes a grandmother and not even 50 yet??? Was she a very young mother?

Wibbly1008 · 05/01/2023 23:15

Turn phone off. She can call dh if it’s urgent.

jumpingbean1810 · 06/01/2023 05:05

This sounds like my mother but she's 78! I had to kindly explain that if I don't answer my phone then there's usually a reason because I'm busy so repeatedly calling doesn't help. Ask her to leave a message and you'll get back to her, but the more interruptions you have the longer it will take to return her calls. Ive also told her there are certain times (ie work hours) that she cannot call unless its an emergency. Then follow through, don't pick up and only respond at your convenience, hopefully she'll learn. My mum still leaves ranty 'I've been trying to get hold of you!' messages or random 'switch bbc on now, there's a programme about x" but they are far fewer and at least I can listen/delete when it suits me rather than get into a conversation.

Radiatorvalves · 06/01/2023 14:23

I’m the wrong side of 50, but clearly I’m a spring chicken. The was you describe her, it sounds like she’s on her last legs and 90 odd. Step away and get boundaries in place.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 06/01/2023 14:36

@SchnauzerEyebrows My mum was a grandmother at 45 it’s perfectly possible, her sister my aunt a grandmother at 42!

Married at 20, had my brother at 21 and my sister at 22 (perfectly normal for the 80s especially where we live), brother had his ds at 24,sister had her ds at 26, dd and ds2 at 27, by the time my mum was 49 she had 4 grandkids one already in primary school! Still working full time in high pressure job still a bog standard 49 year old. I had dd at 30 so was considered ancient and my mum goes on about how she feels like a terribly old nana at 61 🤣🤣

Original poster

giuliax · 06/01/2023 14:45

SchnauzerEyebrows · 05/01/2023 23:13

@giuliax Shes a grandmother and not even 50 yet??? Was she a very young mother?

She had my DH at 20/21. I had my DS at 24. She's approaching 50 this year!

OP posts:

Calphurnia88 · 06/01/2023 15:21

SchnauzerEyebrows · 05/01/2023 23:13

@giuliax Shes a grandmother and not even 50 yet??? Was she a very young mother?

OK Judgy McJudgerson, put down your pearls 🤣

@giuliax another vote for becoming less reliable/available. Don't answer your phone everytime, respond to texts late, and start suggesting she speak to DH.

If it were me, I would be asking DH to support me on this, without burning any bridges (she doesn't sound awful, just a little too used to you helping her out). You don't need this, especially with a baby!

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