To think changing primary school is disruptive

[Goldenperfume]

My husband disagrees with me and thinks children adjust very quickly. I’m not so sure.

Background is that the children start school this year. We will eventually have to move as we can’t afford a bigger place where we are right now but my husband wants to change jobs this year so it’s hard to move until that’s all sorted. He thinks we can easily move them in a year or two and people do this all the time.

I feel like this would be unsettling. We are looking at prep schools so an additional factor is passing assessments and getting a place for two children at the same school.

Other option is to move in temporarily with parents (who live close to where we want to be in the future)

We moved when eldest was in Y4 and youngest was last few months of preschool (so went from preschool 1 to preschool 2 to summer holiday club to reception in the space of 6 months). Honestly, it was completely fine. Not disruptive at all. I could see if perhaps you have dc with SEN who struggle with change, but most kids adapt just fine. My Y4 one literally found a whole new set of best friends, joined the cross country team, was off to play dates with new besties within 2 weeks of us moving and it was like we'd always lived here/always been in this school. I think it will be fine. I'd go with a happier living situation and a school that's a good fit and not worry about the move.

Both those things are true.
It is disruptive and they do settle in.
It's easier the younger they are ime

We moved 2 in years 3 and 4 - they benefitted if nothing else from knowing they could make friends quite easily and it did their self esteem and confidence a boost. They do settle quickly - I agree with your DH.

First one then the other I mean. Obviously not both simultaneously

Both my children moved twice. Yes it's disruptive, yes they settle in quick.

I had multiple different primary schools as did my siblings and we're all absolutely fine! We're actually great at making friends and meeting new people because of it and don't get the dread some of our friends do about new situations and knowing no one. We settled well at each school and as we were a military family we often had little notice of moving, so didn't even have time to prep for the idea. I think young children are adaptable and because it was always framed as exciting and an adventure by our parents we always viewed it positively which I think helps!

I mean it is marginally disruptive, yes, but people do do it all the time and children cope.

It's much easier and more routine at primary. I went to two different primaries and my sister went to three. We were absolutely fine. If you were doing it four or five times it might be difficult to put roots down but once is not a biggie.

Honestly I think children have to experience change and disruption at some point. You don't want them to be in a state of perpetual upheaval with no fixed points at all but an excess of stability will also breed fear of change and lack of resilience.

Basically I think your husband is right.

I moved primary school twice, we’ve moved my son once and all totally fine. I’m a teacher and find children settle very quickly! I had a Ukrainian child start with me in August with no English and he is thriving now!

Completely depends on the individual children, the circumstances, the schools.

I went to 3 different primary schools. Obviously there was upheaval and I was the “new kid” for a bit which felt rather like being an exhibit at a zoo, and I missed my old friends a bit. But I don’t remember being distraught or struggling massively. It didn’t take very long to feel normal again and it was all fine. The last time was a bit shit because the new school wasn’t as good as the last school, and I was older then (y5) so I was keenly aware that the provision and equipment etc was worse.

My sister on the other hand really REALLY struggled. Especially the second move. She was the year below me (so y4) and was desperately unhappy to leave her old friends behind. She never really felt that she fitted in for the rest of primary school and she couldn’t quite break into a friendship group so she always felt like the newbie.

Nobody can tell you how it will affect your child because there are way too many variables. Ultimately, as with all parenting, you make your best educated guess and you try your hardest to make the best decision with the information you have.

Personally I would never move my kids unless there was a really big reason! I know so many people whose education has been hugely disrupted as a result of parents moving them and they never recovered from it. I think primary school age is just about manageable if there is a big enough reason, but never secondary unless absolutely 100% necessary.
That said, the kids that joined my primary school late never, ever fitted in and were quite a long way behind the rest of the class academically. Not all kids are as resilient as we'd like to think when it comes to schooling!

It's six of one and half a dozen of the other tbh.

If it helps, DH went to three different primary schools (only one was private and he went on a scholarship) and he got AAA at A Level. I went to one primary school and got AAB at A Level and, based on years of marriage, I'm far superior in every way so clearly it didn't harm him too much.

Especially in the private sector, kids move around. Some join at reception but others did pre-school, some join aged 7, some at 11, some at 13 and others join for 6th form. DS's current school goes up to 11, he started at 3 but others started at 2, but the school we'd like for his secondary starts from age 4 and goes up to 18 so he'd be joining in the middle. The other private prep in town goes up to 13 so lots of students join the 4-18 school at 11 (from DS's school) and then at 13 (from the other school). It's really not unusual. It's disruptive when kids move from primary to secondary but almost every child does that and the whole world manages.

That should've said A(star) A(star) A but bloody mumsnet turns the stars into bold.

I had no choice but to move mine in key stage 2 (so both very settled) due to health issues.
One dc has sen, both settled really well. They enjoyed their old school but they loved their new school. We played it very low key, once the school had accepted them we told them and took them to see their new school and meet their teachers. The dc I know that have struggled are ones where parents have made a big thing about it.

It is slightly disruptive.
living with your parents or taking other measures just to avoid switching schools would be more disruptive.

dd was forced to switch schools when they redrew the catchment lines. She adapted and was actually happier at her new school once she settled.

We moved countries when our children were in Year 2 and Year 4, during the first Covid lock down, so arrived in the UK and then they didn’t physically go to school for 4 months! The older one took longer to settle but I think this was more to do with personality rather than age. The lockdown restrictions certainly didn’t help either! But they are fine now, and as others have said, they’re much more comfortable with chatting to new people, and are more empathetic to others in similar situations. I personally think living with parents and then leaving them would be harder to adapt to (both at the start and at the end) than changing schools. For us, the key was to prepare them, talk about it a lot, answer any questions and just let them know that you’re there to support and help them… Saying that, we presented it as “this is what’s happening” not “you can help decide what happens” as they were too young for that. Focus on the positives (ours were seeing more of family and having their own rooms) but acknowledge fears too. Good luck!

Depends wholly on the child Some are confident, resilient and would be fine. A child that is much more shy might struggle. We plan to move in the next 4 years and that will mean my eldest will be going in to her last year of primary school. It isn't ideal as she takes her time to make friends currently but we've weighed it up against better high school and the fact that her brother will be in the year below so she won't be alone.

You know your kids better than I do. I'd take some time to think about it and discuss it again. For instance would your parents be OK with the 4 of you moving in? Have they got the space because living out of a single bedroom will drive you loopy?

Honestly I think most things with kids are completely dependant on the parents flapping about stuff

It is disruptive, but they do cope. We've done it when we could move into a better area. It was worth it. Secondary school is a different ball game ime though - my parents moved me and my siblings and it definitely had a longer term impact on each of us for varying reasons.

My concern would be more about finding a new school place in the new location- do the preps typically have spaces outside of their usual intakes or are they more along the lines of names down at birth, assessments and waiting lists? You need to research this properly. But 1 move in Y1 or 2 wouldn’t generally be that disruptive because they adapt quickly at that age. By the time I was 8 I had attended 4 different schools. It was fine!

We had a dreadful experience moving DD in Year 4.

She was happy, confident, well liked, popular and had never had trouble settling anywhere or making friends.

Within a few months she was wracked with anxiety, isolated, totally lost her self confidence.

Assuming from the above replies that she was very unlucky but I deeply regret doing it.

I agree that on balance having the whole family move in with your parents would probably be more disruptive than a change of school.

Should add also based on above replies - we didn’t make a big deal about it at all, didn’t ‘flap’ about it.

DD just had an awful time of it with really cliquey unfriendly kids in her new class.

Moved from a rubbish state primary school to an awesome prep. DD was settled in and happy there within a few minutes…

Depends if your child sees it as an improvement or not. If they have a best friend at the first school and don’t hit it off with kids at the new school then I expect that’s harder. But our experience was moving was easy peasy.

I'm sorry you went through this, it must have been very upsetting...

But to be honest there was always going to have been a transition (normally into year 7). You may have been unlucky with the timing but there would inevitably have come a point where she needed to change so don't beat yourself up about it.

Stability is important but seeking to maintain stability at all costs is probably not great for children as it teaches them that they can avoid change which they can't. Sooner or later, any child will need to adapt to changing circumstances and will need to acquire the skills to do this.

A child who has been through a difficult transition at Year 4 or Year 7 may be better equipped for this when they eventually go to University or leave school.

We did it last year. Year 5 son ( popular abs easy going) was miserable leaving his friends . He took a term to settle .

Year 2 son ( shy) found it much easier as there were more new children. Still took 1/2 term of him being upset .

They will manage and the younger the better I would say.