Rant - school kids

[Nonsense12]

My DD (in Reception) has this friend, let's call her Maya. We've known Maya since they were in nursery at the same school. We had several playdates and we became friends with the family.

After helping with the nursery several times I realised that Maya is very disruptive, doesn't like following routines, doesn't sit down and generally hard to deal with. Maya's parents pushed for Maya to be in the same class with DD which has happened. I wasn't very happy about it as I thought Maya will be a bad influence on DD.

They started school and it's clear Maya has struggled. She often says to her parents she doesn't want to go to school, she cries in the morning and DD told me Maya is often sent in time out by the teachers. DD is very well behaved and hasn't been impacted negatively.

This morning Maya's mum contacted me to tell me that Maya didn't want to go to school today as yesterday DD told Maya that she doesn't like school and so Maya was very upset this morning, cried and didn't want to go because of what DD said.

I'm gobsmacked that she would contact me about it. Kids say a lot of crap in the playground and DD may well have said it, but to make me feel guilty about what DD said the impact it had on Maya it's weird. She asked me if DD was OK going to school and I said yes, she couldn't wait to go. Then I told her, yes, DD sometimes says she doesn't like school as she doesn't have nice teachers, but she's happy to go and happy when she comes out. She said: oops! (That she diesnt doesnt like school,). And that was it.

AIBU to think it's weird to contact a parent about this? Especially with Maya having such history of struggling at school.
Is this what I should expect from now on from other kids' parents?

A bit odd but I wouldn't give it any further thought. You sound a bit over invested.

Your kids are, what, 4?
Very little they say should be taken at face value. Either yours, or Maya.
You don't sound very nice about the other child so hopefully they'll both move on and make new friends.

Sorry...she said oops! When I told her that yes, she says sometimes she doesn't like school.

My experience is that especially with older siblings or only children in reception some parents are massively precious and will contact other parents over unbelievably trivial events (that come filtered through a four year old and may not even have happened).

I would just be kind but firm. 'Yes DD might have said that, who knows, kids say all sorts but yes she's very happy to go in to school thanks!'. If they persist I'd suggest they take any issues up with the class teacher.

It doesn't sound like Maya is actually particularly out of the ordinary either to be honest. Just a normal girl that's perhaps on the young side for her age and is still settling in to school (and so are her parents by the sound of it). I don't think there's any need for your concern about bad influences.

Your DD is in reception. She is a bit young for censoring her opinions on school in front of her friends. She can say she doesn't like school if she wants. I would not mention it to her and I would just shrug if your friend brings it up again and say 'yeah, DD sometimes says she doesn't like school.'

Not sure why you got 2 arsey first replies.

You’re right, the mum should not have contacted you. Your dd is allowed to answer truthfully about whether she likes school!

”She asked me if DD was OK going to school and I said yes, she couldn't wait to go. Then I told her, yes, DD sometimes says she doesn't like school as she doesn't have nice teachers, but she's happy to go and happy when she comes out. She said: oops! (That she diesnt doesnt like school,). And that was it.”

Who said the bit bit in bold?

I think this has the potential to become a situation where her mum sees it as your dd’s job to ensure Maya is happy at school and to play with Maya everyday.

I’d be keeping an eye on the situation and speaking to their teacher if necessary.

Did the mum just mention it in the course of your normal messages to each other or what she actually expecting you to do something.

I would have probably just shut it down with a minimal response. Can’t expect anyone to manage what their 4 year old says at school.

I thought the earlier replies were because OP said ‘had several play dates and became friends with the family’
So I read it, as tho Maya’s mum was OP’s friend, not just some random parent contacting her?

You sound a bit unkind about a small child struggling with the transition to school - you know it’s sheer luck that your DD seems to be coping ok.

I’d not have given the other mums message a second thought - kids are allowed to not like school (and indeed to struggle when there) and they’re allowed to tell their friends they don’t like school.

No, the mum sent me a text this morning telling me Maya didn't want to go to school because of what DD said to her at school yesterday 🙄 and how hard it was to motivate her. I can't quite believe it.

I've said those things about Maya for context. She is a child who struggled to adjust to school and most mornings she doesn't want to go. I guess this morning Maya just found another excuse.

My DD tells me lots of things about Maya's behaviour at school plus she was very disruptive to DD when they started school back in Sept, which was quite upsetting, but the school dealt with it and I would never even dream of mentioning it to the parents.

None of that gives the other mum the right to call OP and complain about OP’s 4yo child telling Maya that she doesn’t like school and blaming OP’s child as the reason why Maya doesn’t want to go to school anymore.

The other mum is expecting Op’s dd to behave like an adult and manage her behaviour to placate Maya.

What did you say in reply to Maya's mum?

This

The mum sounds like hard work...good luck for the rest of primary op😂

I said DD was very happy to go to school yesterday and today and she was happy coming home yesterday. And I said yes, kids can say lots of things in the playground and she may have well said it.

I also mentioned that yes, she occasionally says she doesn't like school as she hasn't got nice teachers...to which she replied 'oops 😬'. And then she left the conversation.

Maya’s Mum shouldn’t be contacting you to effectively complain about your daughter, especially as she’s not actually five or said anything wrong. Are you sure she was blaming you/your dd though rather than just venting to a friend?

That said it’s really bloody hard being the parent of a child who struggles to settle in school, that you know other parents are judging/not wanting their child to be in your child’s class, that you have to drag in crying etc. Maybe she’s struggling and the kind thing to do is just to brush it off and move on, being grateful your child is apparently so happy and well behaved, instead of being furious about it. If she keeps contacting you then I think it’s fair to ask her not to involve you, but as a one off I think you’re overreacting.

Sorry, you did say that already, that's me not reading properly 🤦🏻‍♀️

Oh well, I wouldn't think anything of it. She's probably very stressed out with the situation, that's not to say that blaming it on you/your daughter is okay, but hey I've blamed my husband for things like the weather when I've been stressed out 😆

Fair enough.

I may well have overreacted but I found the message so strange!

Before they started school in Sept they kept motivating Maya by saying her friend (DD) will be there with her and how fun it was going to be. Felt like they used DD as a crutch. Now DD seems to be responsible for Maya's negative attitude to school.

I think taking a step back from this 'friendship' would be the way forward.

Before they started school in Sept they kept motivating Maya by saying her friend (DD) will be there with her and how fun it was going to be. Felt like they used DD as a crutch. Now DD seems to be responsible for Maya's negative attitude to school.

When your child is struggling to adjust you’ll look for all the positives you can to support them. It’s not using a child as a crutch, it’s helping your child focus on the things that will help them settle and adjust, like having someone to buddy up with.

I can imagine the child’s mum was a bit heartened to hear her child isn’t the only one that doesn’t like school - there’s a huge amount of judgement and shame felt when yours is the child that doesn’t happily skip into school, I imagine she was hoping for a bit of empathy and solidarity. Shame really she didn’t get that.

I think taking a step back from this 'friendship' would be the way forward.

Don't be so silly!

Maya's mum was being a bit odd by texting about this but it's no big deal.

You sound incredibly wound up about it & really mean about Maya.

Let them be friends. They are 4. More than likely they'll move apart naturally if they are quite different personalities.

Try to be a bit nicer about a small child. School days are long ... more than likely your DD will some some issue along the way & you'll hope other parents won't be judging her or you.

I'd have probably responded to the mom, 'oh no! Well, it is a big transition, hopefully they adjust soon,' and left it at that. No need to feel defensive or like you need to end the friendship. They're babies. It's not a big deal.

OMG you're talking about 4/5 year olds as if they're pre-teens.
You sound really mean towards Maya btw.

Also, you must not have a care in the world if that's what's got your knickers in a bunch.

Are you a rich SAHM by any chance?

Dear me!

Would've told Maya's mum, what's that got to do with me?

Are you a rich SAHM by any chance?

That's a pretty mean comment (and irrelevant).

A 4 year old doesn’t have “a negative attitude”, they’re growing and adjusting to the huge changes that come with school and all that that entails. It’s not at all unusual for a 4/5 year old to struggle going to school. It wouldn’t have cost you anything to say “yes DD doesn’t like school at times, she struggles with her teachers, I’m lucky she goes in so easily”.

Your child will have times she struggles and I hope you find kindness in the other parents when that time comes.