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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents don't back me up

39 replies

yorkshirepuddingandjam · 05/01/2023 00:11

Just wondering if this is normal or not really?
My parents have been staying with us over Christmas, DH can be quite argumentative and hot headed and if we are bickering or arguing, rather than just being neutral they always seem to call me out and make me out to be the bad guy. I spoke to them about this and they said they didn't feel comfortable saying anything to him as he's not their Son which I get to some extent, but they are still happy to shout at me!

DH said some very horrible things to me earlier and they just stood there and said nothing, then when I started defending myself they were calling my name and telling me to stop.

It's honestly so infuriating. If MIL was here and I was speaking to her Son the way DH spoke to me today, then I am pretty sure she would defend him and tell me where to go.

AIBU for expecting some kind of backup? I feel like I'm being attacked from all angles in this house and it's horrible

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 05/01/2023 00:14

YANBU
Are they scared of you partner?
Are they usually loving or are they generally critical of you?

sounds like you have an issue with your partner, as much as your parents. Why is he saying horrible things to you?

Miss03852 · 05/01/2023 00:17

DH said some very horrible things to me earlier and they just stood there and said nothing, then when I started defending myself they were calling my name and telling me to stop.

I think you’ve attracted a partner who is abusive/uncaring towards you because you likely experienced that growing up with your parents and you’re repeating old patterns. They all sound awful.

Wibbly1008 · 05/01/2023 00:19

Tell them if they can’t back you up, then stay out of it and keep quiet. they are siding with the most aggressive person in the room, and it will make dh worst. They need to keep quiet, or leave.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/01/2023 00:25

If you are arguing with him to the point that anyone needs to step in, I’d seriously be re-evaluating the relationship.

You do know it’s not normal to argue with your spouse in front of others, right?

I mean don’t get me wrong an occasional argument is perfectly healthy in a relationship, but nothing good can come by turning it into a spectator sport. You’re focusing on the wrong thing here.

whatwhhat · 05/01/2023 00:27

Oh I would be heartbroken. It's actually a fear I have with my children as my mum always blamed me, that I don't stick up for them enough.

In the nicest possible way...are you with a mean bully because of your parents (I was with a bully because I thought that is what a normal relationship looked like)

They basically told you to shut up and be verbal abused while they watched on. They all sound unhealthy

Thistooshallpsss · 05/01/2023 00:27

It’s bad form to argue in front of visitors so embarrassing for everyone. I think you need to talk seriously to your husband and try to present a United front.

Allsnotwell · 05/01/2023 00:29

nyone needs to step in, I’d seriously be re-evaluating the relationship.

You do know it’s not normal to argue with your spouse in front of others, right?

Never had an argument with DH around others - not once!!

Not necessary and defiantly not a spectator sport.

Your parents should have no involvement whatsoever ever: No sides at all. Life is t Eastenders!

Original poster
yorkshirepuddingandjam · 05/01/2023 00:35

Thanks for the replies, a lot to reflect upon. They have been staying for 3 weeks so hard to not argue in front of them for that long! We have young children and are a bit sleep deprived which doesn't help. The argument was actually about sleep so nothing too controversial!
My Mum is very argumentative and abusive towards my Dad and always has been, my Dad seems very triggered when we bicker or argue and ironically is the one who usually starts getting angry with me even if I haven't raised my voice and DH is the one shouting.
Reflecting on my childhood I can't think of a time they have really ever had my back.
I wouldn't say they are unloving or uncaring though, they are very kind and generous and make me feel loved. That's why it infuriates me even more!

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/01/2023 00:37

Umm…3 weeks is not a long time between arguments.

I can see where visitors and young children can turn the heat up, but yeah, 3 weeks?

FrozenGhost · 05/01/2023 00:40

I also think you are focusing on the wrong thing here. No relationship is perfect and it's normal to argue at times. But if it's happening to the point it's out of control in front of others, repeatedly, the relationship is the main problem. You are putting your parents in a very awkward situation really, expecting them to tell off your DH like he's a naughty kid bullying you at the playground.

Original poster
yorkshirepuddingandjam · 05/01/2023 00:47

I'm very much aware of the issues in my relationship but that wasn't what my post was about. I am not expecting them to take my side at all, but what upsets me is that today they actually took DH's side when he was being unreasonable toward me and starting shouting at me and telling me to stop when I didn't even say anything wrong. DH was just ranting to me about sleep and basically the who is the most tired argument and I just stood there listening and telling him what he was saying wasn't true.
Why did they feel the need to shout at me and make me out to be the bad guy in that. I feel like they are enabling him to act like that even further.

OP posts:
Original poster
yorkshirepuddingandjam · 05/01/2023 00:49

When you have a baby who doesn't sleep, 3 weeks is very good going to not have any cross words I think! Especially when you are hosting too!

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 05/01/2023 00:53

It’s not your parents’ job to sort out your issues with your husband.

They’re stuck in the middle of your war zone, the poor things, and just trying to peace-keep. They will be very unhappy witnessing all this.

They are not the ones in the wrong.

Original poster
yorkshirepuddingandjam · 05/01/2023 00:59

I'm not expecting them to sort out any issues.
They could have just left the room and said nothing but instead chose to back DH up by calling me out, even when I wasn't in the wrong. That's why I'm upset.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 05/01/2023 01:00

So what would happen if they joined in and took your side? If your DH told them to get out, would you have their back? What if your DH have you a deal breaker re your parents? As said you need to sort out your relationship and definitely don't have another baby until you do. What effect do you think that it's having on your children?

HeddaGarbled · 05/01/2023 01:04

They’re trying to stop the row, because it’s painful and embarrassing to witness. They have no control over your husband, so they attempt to control you.

The problem is not their inept intervention - it’s your row in front of them.

Ladybyrd · 05/01/2023 01:05

They're damned if they do and damned if they don't. If they have a go at your partner, this will be the kiss of the death for any family event, and probably impact your relationship with them too. I would translate that as awkwardness and trying to smooth the waters. Why are you angry at your parents when it was your partner who was rude to you? I feel sorry for them. It sounds like they can't bloody win, and why are you arguing in front of them anyway?

ShippingNews · 05/01/2023 01:11

Three weeks is far too long for a Christmas visit !

Ladybyrd · 05/01/2023 01:12

You seem to have an awful lot of excuses for your husband's behaviour: sleep deprived, hot headed etc. Your targeting your animosity at the wrong person.

Liorae · 05/01/2023 01:19

They could have just left the room and said nothing but instead chose to back DH up by calling me out, even when I wasn't in the wrong. That's why I'm upset.
Surely if you have guests you and your husband should have left the room to have your row? Unless of course one or the other of you was trying to get your parents to take sides.

Aprilx · 05/01/2023 01:20

yorkshirepuddingandjam · 05/01/2023 00:59

I'm not expecting them to sort out any issues.
They could have just left the room and said nothing but instead chose to back DH up by calling me out, even when I wasn't in the wrong. That's why I'm upset.

They have explained why when they interfere it is directed at you, because they are more comfortable with you. They shouldn’t need to even see these rows in the first place. You are totally focussing in the wrong thing here, it is shocking that you and your DH are so frequently bickering in front of other people, that is your problem.

Eyerollcentral · 05/01/2023 01:28

@yorkshirepuddingandjam your relationship is not normal, but it sounds like your parents or rather mother had a lot of arguments in front of you as a child. Leaving your parents out of it for a moment you are now doing the same in front of your own children. You need to break this cycle, unless you are happy to imagine one of your little children growing in to adults experiencing what you are now. I know what it feels like to have no one back you up and you are under pressure. However it sounds like you are the only one with the capacity to be the adult in the room. You need to stop the unnecessary bickering with your husband - who cares if he thinks he is more tired than you? It’s the very definition of pointless. You’ve recognised it as a problem now so you can work towards solving it. Step one is to stop arguing in front of others. Just walk away and discuss later if it’s important. You don’t have to let your husband walk all over you but you also don’t have to rise to the bait every time. It is horrible as a child to grow up around constant bickering.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 05/01/2023 03:51

Your focus is wrong - your issue should be the arguments between you and DH, not which side any poor people who are caught up in it take.

poefaced · 05/01/2023 04:05

Your parents sound awful. Ask them to leave the room next time.

Why are they staying for 3 weeks, do you live in a different country to them?

They need to stay in a hotel next time.

And I hope you dump emotionally abusive H.

poefaced · 05/01/2023 04:06

Aprilx · 05/01/2023 01:20

They have explained why when they interfere it is directed at you, because they are more comfortable with you. They shouldn’t need to even see these rows in the first place. You are totally focussing in the wrong thing here, it is shocking that you and your DH are so frequently bickering in front of other people, that is your problem.

Show quote history

You are gaslighting OP.

Her parents are shouting at her when they can just leave the room.

They are fucked up, my elderly mum would always stand up for me.