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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents don't back me up

39 replies

yorkshirepuddingandjam · 05/01/2023 00:11

Just wondering if this is normal or not really?
My parents have been staying with us over Christmas, DH can be quite argumentative and hot headed and if we are bickering or arguing, rather than just being neutral they always seem to call me out and make me out to be the bad guy. I spoke to them about this and they said they didn't feel comfortable saying anything to him as he's not their Son which I get to some extent, but they are still happy to shout at me!

DH said some very horrible things to me earlier and they just stood there and said nothing, then when I started defending myself they were calling my name and telling me to stop.

It's honestly so infuriating. If MIL was here and I was speaking to her Son the way DH spoke to me today, then I am pretty sure she would defend him and tell me where to go.

AIBU for expecting some kind of backup? I feel like I'm being attacked from all angles in this house and it's horrible

OP posts:
Liorae · 05/01/2023 04:10

poefaced · 05/01/2023 04:06

You are gaslighting OP.

Her parents are shouting at her when they can just leave the room.

They are fucked up, my elderly mum would always stand up for me.

Show quote history

Even if you were in the wrong?

Homedeco · 05/01/2023 04:18

yorkshirepuddingandjam · 05/01/2023 00:47

I'm very much aware of the issues in my relationship but that wasn't what my post was about. I am not expecting them to take my side at all, but what upsets me is that today they actually took DH's side when he was being unreasonable toward me and starting shouting at me and telling me to stop when I didn't even say anything wrong. DH was just ranting to me about sleep and basically the who is the most tired argument and I just stood there listening and telling him what he was saying wasn't true.
Why did they feel the need to shout at me and make me out to be the bad guy in that. I feel like they are enabling him to act like that even further.

Sometimes the problem isn’t what you said, but the timing of it. Your parents might have thought you correcting him was you prolonging the argument? They might think he is unreasonable, but ultimately he cannot be reasoned with in that moment, so it was better for you both to separate and cool down? You were both sleep deprived after all.

also sometimes if 2 people are arguing and one person is more volatile, it can be easier to ask the quieter person to stop. It’s just about ending the conflict asap and the quieter person is more likely to obey unfortunately, the volatile person would keep kicking off

Homedeco · 05/01/2023 04:22

Also if you’re constantly right but others gang up against you, think about why this is?

are you mixing with disrespectful, abusive people?

or do you have a history of lying or exaggerating?

is there something that makes them trust your partner over you?

ultimately if you don’t think you’ve done anything to warrant this, you need to rethink the relationships you have with all these people

poefaced · 05/01/2023 04:24

Liorae · 05/01/2023 04:10

Even if you were in the wrong?

Show quote history

Mum is not a sheep, she will call me out if I’m wrong.

But OP has described a situation where her H has said horrible things to her and her mum and dad have shouted at her. That just would not happen in my family.

poefaced · 05/01/2023 04:25

Homedeco · 05/01/2023 04:18

Sometimes the problem isn’t what you said, but the timing of it. Your parents might have thought you correcting him was you prolonging the argument? They might think he is unreasonable, but ultimately he cannot be reasoned with in that moment, so it was better for you both to separate and cool down? You were both sleep deprived after all.

also sometimes if 2 people are arguing and one person is more volatile, it can be easier to ask the quieter person to stop. It’s just about ending the conflict asap and the quieter person is more likely to obey unfortunately, the volatile person would keep kicking off

Show quote history

But her parents are shouting at her, in her own home. They sound toxic (as does H).

Aprilx · 05/01/2023 05:16

poefaced · 05/01/2023 04:06

You are gaslighting OP.

Her parents are shouting at her when they can just leave the room.

They are fucked up, my elderly mum would always stand up for me.

Show quote history

My elderly mother has never needed to stand up for me.

And I most certainly am not gaslighting OP. I am pointing out that her issue is with her relationship not her parents who are being subjected to this and seemingly are trying to calm things down. Perhaps they don’t want to step into another room and pretend it is normal whilst there is a violent argument underway.

poefaced · 05/01/2023 05:23

Aprilx · 05/01/2023 05:16

My elderly mother has never needed to stand up for me.

And I most certainly am not gaslighting OP. I am pointing out that her issue is with her relationship not her parents who are being subjected to this and seemingly are trying to calm things down. Perhaps they don’t want to step into another room and pretend it is normal whilst there is a violent argument underway.

Show quote history

How are they trying to calm things down by shouting at her? That’s gaslighting OP.

Youarethesun · 05/01/2023 05:35

I think this is a hugely difficult situation all round.

Trying to stop your husbands behaviour isn’t likely to end well. You seem to think these arguments are fairly normal. You are massively defending your husbands poor behaviour. Likely, they know if they do stand up for you, you will forgive him and your husband will still be pissed off at them. Possibly you would be.

Plus we didn’t see the argument. They may have thought his behaviour was awful, but that you kept dragging it on.

It’s all really awkward.

As an aside, disagreeing or having a difference view on a situation isn’t ‘gaslighting the Op’. Op is fully aware, when the come to a public forum for advice she will get a range of views. From different people, with different experience and different feelings. All based on their interpretation of what’s been written.

Peoples opinions are based on their own feelings and experiences. Which means people will all have different views. Expressing them, during one online discussion, where people have been asked for their opinions, is not gas lighting.

Homedeco · 05/01/2023 06:33

I feel like the term gaslighting is used so often that it’s lost meaning

Homedeco · 05/01/2023 06:34

Homedeco · 05/01/2023 06:33

I feel like the term gaslighting is used so often that it’s lost meaning

I didn’t mean so often per se, more that it’s used for a wide range of scenarios that it dilutes the meaning

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/01/2023 06:46

So you all just shout at each other (you and DH and your parents and you) in front of your children?

You're just repeating the pattern. Your kids will grow up thinking this is normal. It's really not.

Sounds like a nightmare.

3 weeks is far too long for a visit, especially with a baby.

I would ask them to go home or stay in a hotel and sort out your issues with your DH. Why is he calling you names? Why do you think it's fine to bicker and argue in front of other guests, then expect them to "have your back"?

rwalker · 05/01/2023 07:08

You all sound like argumentative shouty people
work on sorting that not who’s on who’s side

both my dad and sister are like this
why talk when you can shout
and incapable of discussing anything arguing is the default setting

Fairyliz · 05/01/2023 07:12

HeddaGarbled · 05/01/2023 01:04

They’re trying to stop the row, because it’s painful and embarrassing to witness. They have no control over your husband, so they attempt to control you.

The problem is not their inept intervention - it’s your row in front of them.

Yes this rings true for me too. I think you are concentrating on the wrong thing; if you weren’t arguing so much they wouldn’t be saying anything.

MRex · 05/01/2023 08:33

It's hard to know objectively what exactly is going on from just your impressions of the situation OP. It sounds like there is a big issue with your DH that you are minimising, what did your DH actually say that was "argumentative, hot-headed" and "really horrible" about sleep? And what did you say back that was long enough for your parents to keep repeating your name?

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