It's taken a lot to start this thread because I already feel guilty for talking badly about my mum. 😔
I am in my early 30s and my mum is in her 70s. She's always behaved weirdly towards me for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I didn't have my own bedroom until I was 10 (not a space issue - there was bedroom I could have had). Until then, my mum made me sleep in her bed, I didn't have a bedtime and went to bed with her after 10pm so I was always late for primary school. When I went to high school, she would not let me walk to the school bus by myself, even at 16 she insisted she came with me. I was bullied an awful lot through high school, I couldn't keep friendships and my mum would never allow to do normal teenage stuff like shopping or cinema with friends so people would stop inviting me. I used to pretend to be ill a lot to stay home and never put in a full week at school during year 10 or 11 and as a result did really badly at my GCSEs. My mum never once asked me what was making me not want to go to school, she never asked if I was ok or if something was happening that was upsetting me.
She never gave me the growing up talk and I had to shoplift pads and hide the dirty ones in my bag until I could throw them in the school bin.
She used to babysit my older brothers' children while he went out drinking and, on several occasions, ended up walking 2 miles home in the early hours of the morning, when I was around 8-12. I remember being very scared we were going to be attacked and on one occasion I got bitten by a dog.
My teenage years were very lonely, I spent a lot of time in my room with music and books. We never went anywhere, and I rarely interacted with other people outside school. When I was 14, I tried to take my own life alone in my room. It failed and I never told anyone. I also self-harmed.
I have never met my dad, she won't tell me who he is, but she did have an affair with my uncle (her sister's husband) around the time she became pregnant with me, so I do wonder if it's him.
So fast forward to now, our relationship is very difficult. I am seeking a private ADHD diagnosis and asked her if she had any old school reports I could look at or if she would be willing to write a short paragraph about some of the difficulties I had. She went mental at me. She told me she would not being talking to anyone about our private business, no less doctors (she was a weird thing around doctors and police officers), that I was ridiculous and was accusing her of bad parenting. She said no child of hers has "something like that" and eventually told me that I should be grateful I'm even here because my older brother, sister and grandparents all told didn't want me and told her have an abortion. She said, "you're only here because of me."
Today I took my children to visit her, and she made a comment about someone asking her what her children all did for a living. She would only have a vague idea about me (I am doing an Access to HE course and have applied to uni for September), she literally never asks how I am or what I have been up to. I pointed out she's never really asked and she snapped and said why should she. She insisted she will never ask how I am or what I'm up to because it's my place to tell her and she shouldn't have to ask.
When my car broke down last year and was going to be an expensive fix, I was a bit upset and had a teary eye when I was talking about it. She turned to my niece and said "I don't understand why people squawk about their cars breaking down."
On my 30th birthday and the only family meal we've ever had, she complained non-stop and said "I don't even know why I come to these places, I can't stand them."
I feel so hurt by all of this. Many times in my life I could have benefited from someone asking me if I was ok and did I need support (hence why I'm trying to get my quals and getting my diagnosis only now at 33...) and think my mum should have been the one to do this. I have felt so alone for so long, I have a long history and depression, was in an abusive relationship, I had a breakdown in 2021 and I'm only now in a place where I'm trying to look forward to the future.
I've tried to raise with her how I feel but she either pretends she does remember, claims she has dementia (she doesn't), says I have false memories and today told me that I make her feel like a waste of space. That's never been my intention. I just want to feel like my mum is a mum, one that asks me what's going on in my life, one that cares, encourages me and is proud of me. I've got no other family other than my 2 children. One that acknowledges and apologises when she says something mean.
I sometimes feel like a bit of a child when I think about this, like I should be over it by now. I am in counselling but sometimes it brings the feelings back stronger. I think I am so fixated on the idea of a warm, supportive family that I can't come to terms with not having one, especially over Christmas and New Year watching others around their family meals and get togethers.
AIBU for wanting my mum to acknowledge and apologise for some of the stuff mentioned above?
Please be gentle :)