AIBU to feel so hurt by my mum?

[Evawales]

It's taken a lot to start this thread because I already feel guilty for talking badly about my mum. 😔

I am in my early 30s and my mum is in her 70s. She's always behaved weirdly towards me for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I didn't have my own bedroom until I was 10 (not a space issue - there was bedroom I could have had). Until then, my mum made me sleep in her bed, I didn't have a bedtime and went to bed with her after 10pm so I was always late for primary school. When I went to high school, she would not let me walk to the school bus by myself, even at 16 she insisted she came with me. I was bullied an awful lot through high school, I couldn't keep friendships and my mum would never allow to do normal teenage stuff like shopping or cinema with friends so people would stop inviting me. I used to pretend to be ill a lot to stay home and never put in a full week at school during year 10 or 11 and as a result did really badly at my GCSEs. My mum never once asked me what was making me not want to go to school, she never asked if I was ok or if something was happening that was upsetting me.

She never gave me the growing up talk and I had to shoplift pads and hide the dirty ones in my bag until I could throw them in the school bin.

She used to babysit my older brothers' children while he went out drinking and, on several occasions, ended up walking 2 miles home in the early hours of the morning, when I was around 8-12. I remember being very scared we were going to be attacked and on one occasion I got bitten by a dog.

My teenage years were very lonely, I spent a lot of time in my room with music and books. We never went anywhere, and I rarely interacted with other people outside school. When I was 14, I tried to take my own life alone in my room. It failed and I never told anyone. I also self-harmed.

I have never met my dad, she won't tell me who he is, but she did have an affair with my uncle (her sister's husband) around the time she became pregnant with me, so I do wonder if it's him.

So fast forward to now, our relationship is very difficult. I am seeking a private ADHD diagnosis and asked her if she had any old school reports I could look at or if she would be willing to write a short paragraph about some of the difficulties I had. She went mental at me. She told me she would not being talking to anyone about our private business, no less doctors (she was a weird thing around doctors and police officers), that I was ridiculous and was accusing her of bad parenting. She said no child of hers has "something like that" and eventually told me that I should be grateful I'm even here because my older brother, sister and grandparents all told didn't want me and told her have an abortion. She said, "you're only here because of me."

Today I took my children to visit her, and she made a comment about someone asking her what her children all did for a living. She would only have a vague idea about me (I am doing an Access to HE course and have applied to uni for September), she literally never asks how I am or what I have been up to. I pointed out she's never really asked and she snapped and said why should she. She insisted she will never ask how I am or what I'm up to because it's my place to tell her and she shouldn't have to ask.

When my car broke down last year and was going to be an expensive fix, I was a bit upset and had a teary eye when I was talking about it. She turned to my niece and said "I don't understand why people squawk about their cars breaking down."

On my 30th birthday and the only family meal we've ever had, she complained non-stop and said "I don't even know why I come to these places, I can't stand them."

I feel so hurt by all of this. Many times in my life I could have benefited from someone asking me if I was ok and did I need support (hence why I'm trying to get my quals and getting my diagnosis only now at 33...) and think my mum should have been the one to do this. I have felt so alone for so long, I have a long history and depression, was in an abusive relationship, I had a breakdown in 2021 and I'm only now in a place where I'm trying to look forward to the future.

I've tried to raise with her how I feel but she either pretends she does remember, claims she has dementia (she doesn't), says I have false memories and today told me that I make her feel like a waste of space. That's never been my intention. I just want to feel like my mum is a mum, one that asks me what's going on in my life, one that cares, encourages me and is proud of me. I've got no other family other than my 2 children. One that acknowledges and apologises when she says something mean.

I sometimes feel like a bit of a child when I think about this, like I should be over it by now. I am in counselling but sometimes it brings the feelings back stronger. I think I am so fixated on the idea of a warm, supportive family that I can't come to terms with not having one, especially over Christmas and New Year watching others around their family meals and get togethers.

AIBU for wanting my mum to acknowledge and apologise for some of the stuff mentioned above?

Please be gentle :)

I’m glad you’re speaking out about this now and I’m sorry you had such an unstable upbringing. Few things ; sounds like your mum was OTT with you as a child because she must not have had a stable upbringing. Your uncle being your dad may be very valid and specially if she avoided authorities figures (police doctors etc).

your mum sounds like my mother in law. Just does not accept or acknowledge anyone else’s feelings and doesn’t seem to care. My DH was sent to boarding school by his mum when he was 6 , one Christmas he went home to find his childhood home had been sold and all his stuff thrown out and she didn’t see why he was so upset . He never had a relationship with her since then but tried for a few years and she is just unpleasant to be around. Constantly moaning about people and things, never happy , does stupid stuff attention, tells the grandkids she wants to kill herself and then forgets there names.

you have to put your own mental health first. My DH gets angry as I come from a very loving close family and he always feels he missed out on that type of family which in turn makes him more resentful to his family. He has had therapy and has mentally moved on now . Took years but you have to accept who she is and just put yourself first and your own health.

Please seek psychotherapy- try and find someone who specialises in mothers and mother/ child relationships

This was sad to read and you are not being unreasonable to be so hurt by her behaviour. She has not been the parent you deserve.
My parent isn't as extreme as yours but I'm finding the book 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' really helpful. I'll attach a bit of the blurb below.

"If you grew up with an emotionally immature, unavailable, or selfish parent, you may have lingering feelings of anger, loneliness, betrayal, or abandonment. You may recall your childhood as a time when your emotional needs were not met, when your feelings were dismissed, or when you took on adult levels of responsibility in an effort to compensate for your parent's behavior... You will see how these parents create a sense of neglect, and discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood...Discover the four types of difficult parents: The emotional parent instills feelings of instability and anxiety The driven parent stays busy trying to perfect everything and everyone The passive parent avoids dealing with anything upsetting The rejecting parent is withdrawn, dismissive, and derogatory."

I agree with pp that she will never change. It's rubbish you never had a good mum but all you can do is protect yourself going forward.

My mother is very similar, even down to the comment about how she was offered an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with me - she says this was because she was pregnant again less than 2 months after my brother was born.

I've been trying to get an explanation, and an apology for how shit a parent both her and my father were - my father never pretended that he'd wanted to be a parent in the first place, but my mother is a practicing Catholic who quite obviously did not find motherhood as great as her religion had advertised. Both narcissists who should never have had a relationship, let alone children. They only got married because my mother got pregnant, less than 6 months after they met. There's a considerable age gap too, my father was 18 and my mother 23 when they met.

I'm now 53 and finally beginning to accept (after a good 25 years of trying) that I'm never going to get the mothering experience, any sort of explanation or apology from my mother. I'm now very low contact with her, live on the other side of the world from her to protect my mental health. I've also been having counselling for years, and in the last 5 years treatment for C-PTSD.

It's a saying usually used for romantic relationships, but I think it's also fitting for your/my situation: 'looking for love in all the wrong place(s)'. Your mother (and mine) is not going to have some Damascene moment of revelation and suddenly become a good mother. It's just not going to happen.

Sadly she will never be what you want her to be. I have come to terms that i don't have a mum like others do. It is still sad but i have my children and two adorable grandsons now.
My mother is toxic and very emotionally abusive. My sister broke away from her 30 years ago and i so wish i had done the same. I have been low contact with my mother for a year now and am in process of completely cutting ties.

Well done on starting your access course, concentrate on that and your children.

I can only recommend putting distance between you and telling yourself you are correct in your understanding that her parenting was well below par. She won't ever acknowledge that, let alone apologise, so make your peace with that. And carry on with the counsellor.

My mum was a bit like yours but much less extreme. My mum seemed to consider her children as her possessions or extensions of herself, not people in their own right. My sister was very like her and happy to be her little doll/best friend. I wasn't a bad kid but was just different and I craved a life outside home which my mum hated and acted like a personal affront and rejection. I wanted to choose my own clothes and my own friends but that was being "hateful" and "disdainful" apparently . I was such a disappointment. Once I left uni and got married she just sort of seemed to forget I existed as I wasn't within her control any more. We are in touch and see each other from time to time but it's always instigated by me. It's pleasant enough but we feel like polite strangers and I think if me and my children fell into the sea and vanished forever, she would barely notice.

Much later in life it occurred to me that I'm not a bad person just because I wasn't a carbon copy! I felt like a bad person for years being told I was cold, hard and unloving.

The sanitary towels thing rang a bell too. She did give me the first few batches, then nothing. I was very sensitive and easily embarrassed and hated asking. When I did she always seemed to "forget" and I'd have to ask again. Sometimes I just used wads of toilet paper rather than ask. I think she really wanted the power of having me dependant and "begging". For a while I gave her the benefit of the doubt thinking she might just be forgetful but then one day she mocked me in front of my sister for being "dirty" and not using sanitary towels. Omg, I thought, if you know I need them, why do you keep them from me???

Gosh sorry I meant to say that the reason I've been able to maintain a relationship with my mum is because I recognised that behind it all was her crushing lack of self esteem and unhappy childhood. I think her dream was that she would have children and they would need and adore her forever. A stoic daughter who had different ideas must have felt like another failure. She has a much better relationship with my sister - they really live in each other's pockets!

OP: I had a similar reaction from my mum when I asked her about providing info for my ADHD diagnosis (also only sought when I turned 38, and only after five years of counselling). I ended up asking my other half to write something for me based on nowadays. You don’t need old school reports - you can just write down examples of things you remember people saying/incidents of certain behaviours from childhood etc.

Also, please, please don’t fall into the trap of ‘well, she didn’t know I had ADHD and I must have been a nightmare to handle growing up’. You were not the difficult one. I can absolutely promise you that.

Continue counselling - it’s invaluable (especially when your mother was a bucket of crazy growing up - and yours makes mine sound fucking sane).

And finally - congratulations! For so many things. For having the strength to go back to studying. For having the strength to seek out counselling. For having the strength to get your ADHD diagnosis. And for having the strength to write this post. None of those are easy. You are so much stronger than you even realise. You are so much more than your childhood.

PS: If you want any practical help with the whole ADHD process, I’m just getting into titration now (the bit where they try out different dosages of meds on you and see which one is George’s Marvellous Medicine - fun!). Just drop me a pm and I’ll happily talk through what I’ve learned over the last 18 months since I started this shebang.

Op you definitely can’t change your mother and I’m afraid you may waste more of your years waiting for her acknowledgment and it will likely never come (my dad had a similar experience).

I’d focus on yourself and your family and maybe put a little distance as it sounds like she’s still massively affecting your mental health. Sometimes I think the things that happen as children haunt more than things that happen as Adults. Wishing you all the best for 2023 and hope you have some healing ❤️‍🩹

YANBU but loads of people have dysfunctional parents and they just don’t really have a relationship with them. I barely speak to my Mum. You are an adult and come across quite needy. Just move on with your life, you’re an adult now. She is who she is and isn’t going to change.

@Miss03852 I don’t think the OP is being ‘needy’, as that minimises how she feels…it sounds like she has unresolved questions from her past and she is seeking some sort of clarification about her experiences as it’s something she won’t / can’t get from her own mum. Also the OP may be an adult now, but was a child when she experienced this - adverse childhood experiences impact people into adulthood.

No you’re not being unreasonable but I’m sorry to say your mum will never be the kind, loving, considerate mum you want— she’s not capable of it.
I don’t know why it happens, how it happens, what starts it but there comes a time when you have to give up on them. Calling her by her name instead of “mum” might help.
I was the ‘ scapegoat child’ in the family but I didn’t learn about this until I was an adult. My mother treated me abysmally.
Continue your counselling, it will get tough before it begins to get easier. Like you, I left secondary school with nothing, I got a degree in my late 20s. My mother told me it wasn’t a proper degree like my brother got………. I went on to get two further degrees.
Continue your course and fly high.

There’s a book called Adult children of immature parents that you would probably find useful.

Also have a look at this channel….that’s just a random video but it’s Patrick Teahan…..he’s very very good.

Also have a look at Dr Ramani’s channel.

It sounds as if you’re right at the beginning of your ‘learning about abuse’ journey (sorry, hate that word!). You need to do some research because your mum has taught you that you’re worth nothing, and until you’ve learned this stuff you’ll continue to attract abusive partners. It’s eye-opening and empowering but obviously it can be upsetting to realise how much you’ve been abused.

She isn’t capable of change. It’s so so frustrating but some people aren’t because their brains don’t seem to have the capacity.

YANBU unlikely she ll change. She might not have the mental capacity to do it. Some people from that generation seem think children even should never disagree with their parents, she may have been raised this way, it's not her fault it's ingrained.

I'd reccomend reading parenting from the inside out and the body holds the score.

You sound like you've come a long way and congratulations on your course, you must have worked very hard to get where you are. We all seek it from our parents it's natural, but you do not need her validation, you've done great. If you accept this is how she is and lower your expectations, it will make it easier. It's up to you how much contact.

This

you have your own life now and you are making a success of it for yourself and your two children. You have to stop expecting anything from this woman. She cannot repair the past. She doesn't have the capacity to understand it. But you have got yourself on a qualifications path and you have your own two children. You have an example from her of how not to treat children and you have realised this and can make a happy life for yourself and them. You have a gift in that your children will think so much better of you, than you do of her. I wish you all the best, you sound like a thoughtful person and this will help you move forward with your life.