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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would this still bother you or would you see him again?

66 replies

Rivernight · 04/01/2023 17:34

I was dating a guy for 5 months, got on great, lots of chemistry and all the rest of it. Then came valentines day 2022 and not so much of a message from him. I felt a bit shit, more so because I felt as though I was putting more effort in than him beforehand anyway so I thought he might send flowers or at least a nice message but no nothing, radio silence.

I stopped seeing him after this and he must have known the reason why. Anyway we have been in contact sparsely since and he wants us reconnect and I would like to but I am not sure if would be wise or if I trust him with my feeling I suppose. It did hurt me I've got to be honest but maybe I'm making it into a bigger deal than it was/is. Would this bother you or would you give it another chance. It was also a little embarrassing seeing everyone's flowers etc and then being asked what I got 🙃.

OP posts:
OlympicProcrastinator · 04/01/2023 18:37

He’s not that into you and it won’t suddenly get better. It really doesn’t matter whether he ‘doesn’t do’ Valentine’s Day, a man that is really into a woman would be pulling out all the stops, especially in the first 5 moths to make you feel like the most important person in the world. If he doesn’t, move on. Raise your standards.

Stressedmum2017 · 04/01/2023 18:38

Nope wouldnt get a second chance with me after that. Sounds like a fuckboy.

Rumplestrumpet · 04/01/2023 18:40

I really wouldn't advise it op but if you're determined to give him another go be very clear to yourself about your expectations from the relationship. Don't settle.

Original poster
Rivernight · 04/01/2023 18:42

I don't know what to do!!!! I suppose I've got nothing to lose if I give it 6 weeks and then drop him if need be. Plus side the sex is great.

OP posts:
Heyahun · 04/01/2023 18:42

I’ve never messaged anyone on Valentine’s Day in my life nor sent a card or acknowledged the day 🤷‍♀️ Some people don’t care about it as a day - maybe that’s him

Original poster
Rivernight · 04/01/2023 18:43

@Rumplestrumpet thank you. What would you suggest I say to him?

OP posts:
Fleebeg · 04/01/2023 18:47

Valentines is a commercialised heap of shit.

It’s how he treated you on the whole that’s the matter. It sounds more like you ghosted him after no valentines message. If he is generally a good guy then give it another go. I hope you’ve communicated what the issue was.

Rumplestrumpet · 04/01/2023 18:51

For those saying Valentine's is commercialised crap - yes of course it is, we all know that. My husband and I have never celebrated. But at the honeymoon stage in a relationship I'd expect some recognition of it, even if just a text to say "I don't do valentines, flowers and all that but I want you to know I think you're bloody great". You don't have to spend money to make the other person feel valued.

Syrax · 04/01/2023 18:52

OlympicProcrastinator · 04/01/2023 18:37

He’s not that into you and it won’t suddenly get better. It really doesn’t matter whether he ‘doesn’t do’ Valentine’s Day, a man that is really into a woman would be pulling out all the stops, especially in the first 5 moths to make you feel like the most important person in the world. If he doesn’t, move on. Raise your standards.

This.

Rumplestrumpet · 04/01/2023 18:53

I'm honestly not sure what if say to him. I haven't been at the start of a relationship for many many years, I'm used to my husband knowing exactly what he's done wrong 😆

But I think you do need to keep an eye out for signs that he's not willing (or able) to give you what you need. For that you need to have a good sense of your own worth.

Carlsberg1984 · 04/01/2023 18:54

Not celebrating Valentine's Day wouldn't bother me. If you were talking daily and he didn't message at all though, whether it was Valentine's Day related or not that's a bit weird but if it was never a daily thing then it could be he just doesn't celebrate it.

WallaceinAnderland · 04/01/2023 18:55

Begoniasforever · 04/01/2023 18:20

Oh give over. Some of the bullshit answers on here. Celebrating valentines day is common practice ffs

op, it doesn’t get better if you go back. So make your boundaries clear.

Show quote history

You can see from this thread alone, lots of people don't bother with it. OP needs to let him know if it's important to her.

Edinburghmusing · 04/01/2023 18:57

Not buying someone flowers on Valentines isn’t treating someone badly 😂😂😂

I can think of lots of men showering new girlfriends in valentines presents. Absolute dickheads the lot of them.

if you base relationships on whether you got a present so thst you can tell people when they ask - I would suggest you are taking quite the superficial approach to relationships

2023changingitup · 04/01/2023 18:57

When he asks to meet you next suggest valentines day as you love it/ you would enjoy spending it with him and see what he says!! Say you've got a lot on until then ;)

TheShellBeach · 04/01/2023 20:27

2023changingitup · 04/01/2023 18:57

When he asks to meet you next suggest valentines day as you love it/ you would enjoy spending it with him and see what he says!! Say you've got a lot on until then ;)

Brilliant idea.

ShinyMe · 04/01/2023 20:49

So he's spent the last 9 months trying to restart something that lasted 5? I really wouldn't bother op, you don't sound as though you're particularly interested.

bobbytorq · 04/01/2023 21:17

Begoniasforever · 04/01/2023 18:20

Oh give over. Some of the bullshit answers on here. Celebrating valentines day is common practice ffs

op, it doesn’t get better if you go back. So make your boundaries clear.

Show quote history

I don't give a shit about valentines and neither does my DP.

WomanFromTheNorth · 04/01/2023 21:30

The not doing Valentine's thing wouldn't bother me at all; it's totally naff and I can't believe grown adults actually fall for the marketing ploy; it's the antithesis of romantic; it's just awful and I would think someone was a bit of an idiot if they got me presents for "Valentine's"; however- why has he only just got back in touch? I find that strange if you really liked each other...

BlueberryBelle · 04/01/2023 21:37

Op - March 2022 was 10 months ago. What had happened in that time? Have you not seen him at all ?

Are you trying to give it another go to see if he’ll pass the ‘Valentine’s test’ this year?

I’d move on and not waste any more time on him…

Ofbollocks · 04/01/2023 21:39

If he's been wanting to reconnect, then what has he done to show this? Flowers on your birthday? Easter? What attempt did he make at Christmas? You already know the answer.

Testina · 04/01/2023 21:48

“I know he knows I was upset about it”

And what happened then?
Clearly he hasn’t done enough to recover from that. So why lower your standards now?
If he gets you flowers this year, then how do you know that it’s not just to keep you happy this time?
There’s two types of keeping you happy:

  • realising / having it explained that this is an important way for you to have love shown, and wanting to do it to show that love (even if he doesn’t see the point in Valentine’s)
  • just doing what he has to for an easy life but still not caring
The latter does not lead to a long term happy relationship. The former type? Would have done enough 9 months ago, knowing you were upset.
Testina · 04/01/2023 21:49

When I say love: obvious it’s not love now, but - care, I suppose, at this stage.

5128gap · 04/01/2023 21:57

In the context of 'got on great lots of chemistry' and presumably a nice decent guy in general for you to see him for 5m, I'd think this was a bit odd, but definitely not a deal breaker.
I'm not a V day person though (can't stand being told when and how to acknowledge the people in my life by card companies) but if I was I'd have just said something to him.

RayRai · 04/01/2023 22:29

What was the contact like before valentines? Was him waiting until March out of character? I think valentines is a load of rubbish, but in a new relationship you'd hope that at least a card and a box of chocolates would make a statement.

LimeTwists · 04/01/2023 22:33

In 30 years, I’ve never been with anyone who has blanked me on Valentine’s Day when the day comes around. I’m with you - I’d find that really odd. It’s either lazy, thoughtless or unromantic. People might disagree but they are welcome to date the men who ignore it! I don’t think it takes a £75 bunch of flowers and a meal, either. A text is free and at least says you’re on his mind as being his valentine!

You could say something that puts you more in the driving seat than something which makes you feel like you are being needy or silly. Make it about what you want in a relationship, not how he made you feel rubbish. So, maybe something like you’re happy to see how things go and you enjoy spending time with him but you are used to - and enjoy - partners being quite a lot more romantic than he seems to be so you’ll need to see if you’re compatible in that way.

That's his clear signal not to miss Valentine’s Day, your birthday or any anniversaries. If he misses any of them, throw him back so he’s single and available to date someone who is happy to be ignored on Valentine’s Day!