AIBU to expect ex to pay for childcare on "his" day?

[JaegerAddict]

Ex has DC every Wednesday. DC go to childminder on this day. I had previously told the childminder that he would be paying for Wednesdays, but ex said no, that is what the maintenence he pays is for. I didn't want to rock the boat as ex can be very nasty so left it at that. Now DC goes to preschool on a Weds, followed by childminder. Ex then collects DC from childminder. WIBU to expect him to pay for the wraparound care? Ex was emotionally abusive when we were together; this included "managing" all the finances without telling me what was going on. He is as tight as a gnat's arse so I know he will kick up a fuss if I suggest this, which is why I am asking here first! To see if I have any moral highground!

I understood maintenance to be money to help you look after your child during the time that you have them. It doesn’t cover what your ex needs to care for them during his time too x

I agree. I actually wouldn't do this but I'd be tempted to cancel the childminder that day and say "what you do on your day is nothing to do with me, I wouldn't want to interfere!" Andleave him to sort childcare.

Tell him he can fund the childminder on his day or you will cancel it in two weeks time and he can figure out what to do with DC on his day.

He doesn't get to control you now. Set boundaries.

Yes he should. Tell him that you will cancel the CM on that afternoon as you do not need childcare then. He can then either finish early and pick up his DC or he can himself engage the CM for wrap around care.

This is clear and gives him notice

Is his day Wednesday? What are the specific words in the agreement

Maintenance is reduced depending on how many nights he has her, so if it was never, he'd pay (for example), £200 pm. If she is with him 1-2 night per week, it might go down to £170 or whatever. That reflects that he will have expenses on his day, which includes childcare if he uses it. His maintenance is to contribute towards her costs during anytime over 50% that you have her. Please just go to CMS and keep it depersonalised. Depending on the relationship you have with the childminder you could raise it with them too and explain the situation, see if they'd be prepared to bill him separately for the Wed.

CM is to help pay towards things for your DC when they are with you.
He is responsible for paying for things when your DC are with him. This is why CM gets reduced on a sliding scale when the NRP has the child more.

As others have said, get your boundaries in place now. If he rants about it, grey rock him. His tantrums are not your problem anymore.

Does he have her OVERNIGHT on the weds? Thats how maintenance is calculated - if he does, then he's getting a discount on maintenance to exactly because he's covering costs for that day.
If he doesn't have her overnight then strictly speaking he's right, he is paying maintenance for Wednesdays. Morally reprehensible but legally true.

Do you claim universal credit to cover your childcare costs? If you do and the cost of the Wednesday ends up being very little, for a quiet life I would swallow the cost or just ask him to increase the maintenance by the actual cost you pay.

If he doesn't have her overnight, sadly he isn't obliged to pay.

As others have said the key question is whether he has the child overnight on Wednesday. If so, he doesn't pay maintenance for that day so he should pay for the care that day. If not, then yes his maintenance includes the care.

The court order says he collects from school or nursery then has them overnight till he drops them at school the following day. The nursery doesn't apply anymore, as DC has moved up to the preschool attached to the older DC's school now. (I DIDN'T want to go to court and get a CAO, this was my ex's doing; he wanted them DC to live with him despite showing zero interest in them when we were a couple!)

Tell him you're giving the CM notice. Refer to the CO. They all try this.

Oh this is really useful to know, thank you. I didn't know that was how maintenence was worked out. Thank you so much!

Feel like a bit of a mug as it's been well over a year since I asked him to pay and he refused. So it's cost me £££

The court order says he collects from school or nursery then has them overnight till he drops them at school the following day.

Is the wraparound care only necessary because of his working hours?

Check exactly what maintenance covers. For me, I’m in the US, the maintenance covers the upkeep of the children and is based on number of overnights. The childcare, school fees and medical costs are split by income. Basically I need childcare to work and it’s over and above ‘maintenance’, which is what is needed to keep the children alive.

Absolutely - tell the CM first what you're going to do, then send them an email (cc him) in bold emotionless terms explaining to the CM you will no longer be booking her for the the Wed as it will be your ex's responsibility.
Job done. I had to do this, felt the same as you but was glad I did it. He messed me about (and the childcare setting) but because I was totally clear and copied them into the same emails it clarified the issue and he couldn't twist things.
Hold your nerve.

Yes this is important

Difference stance here - (irrespective of the legal standpoint) Is it in your child’s best interest to be in the wraparound care? How would you feel about CM being cancelled and your ex spending more time with your child, or coming up with an alternative arrangement you have no control over? Can you afford the CM? Answer these questions for yourself before you decide what to do.

Cancel the childcare and enforce court order.

I don’t agree child maintenance covers this at all. If he needs the childcare because he’s at work ‘on his day’ then in my opinion he should pay for it. But I do understand coming from someone stuff dealing with the domestically abusive ex it’s not easy to stand up to them.
Do you have a court order?

Sorry didn’t read about the court order: go back to solicitors for some advice and then you can always get the court order amended and go back to court. I appreciate having been two years and on going in a court battle with an abusive ex it’s not easy.

I don’t agree you should pay. He should.

What happens during school holidays? Do you end up paying for a whole day’s childcare?

My ex refuses to pay CMS when he has the children on holiday. It’s really a very grey area and it’s unenforceable but morally you are correct.