Page 2 | AIBU to expect ex to pay for childcare on "his" day?

JaegerAddict · 2023-01-04T12:35:07+00:00

Ex has DC every Wednesday. DC go to childminder on this day. I had previously told the childminder that he would be paying for Wednesdays, but ex said no, that is what the maintenence he pays is for. I didn't want to rock the boat as ex can be very nasty so left it at that. Now DC goes to preschool on a Weds, followed by childminder. Ex then collects DC from childminder. WIBU to expect him to pay for the wraparound care? Ex was emotionally abusive when we were together; this included "managing" all the finances without telling me what was going on. He is as tight as a gnat's arse so I know he will kick up a fuss if I suggest this, which is why I am asking here first! To see if I have any moral highground!

Needtoseethatbiggerpicture · 04/01/2023 19:13

I would suggest the person dropping the child at breakfast club/nursery is the person who should pay that day.

I paid for full time childcare and then wraparound childcare for 3 children till they no longer needed it. I teach and therefore there is no flexibility in the time I can rock up for work so I had to pay full time for the days my ex bowed out (which he did infrequently but with no notice). When he realised there was wraparound care, he used it and never paid a penny for it.

If you get tax credit/universal credit, then you could ask him for the cost of childcare after that is removed from it? Would that soften the blow?

If you need the childcare to work, I would just suck it up because you may struggle to get the childcare back if you give notice and he calls your bluff.

Zanatdy · 04/01/2023 19:21

I’d ask him, if he says no, let him know he’s got 2wks notice or whatever the notice period is and you’ll leave him to sort out his own after school care.

overthehill7 · 04/01/2023 19:26

bumpytrumpy · 04/01/2023 13:15

Does he have her OVERNIGHT on the weds? Thats how maintenance is calculated - if he does, then he's getting a discount on maintenance to exactly because he's covering costs for that day.
If he doesn't have her overnight then strictly speaking he's right, he is paying maintenance for Wednesdays. Morally reprehensible but legally true.

This!

CatJumperTwat · 04/01/2023 19:33

bumpytrumpy · 04/01/2023 13:15

Does he have her OVERNIGHT on the weds? Thats how maintenance is calculated - if he does, then he's getting a discount on maintenance to exactly because he's covering costs for that day.
If he doesn't have her overnight then strictly speaking he's right, he is paying maintenance for Wednesdays. Morally reprehensible but legally true.

This isn't right because there's a court order clearly stating he's responsible for his daughter from the end of school on a Wednesday, until whatever time it says he has to return her. So if he needs childcare for that period of time, it isn't covered by his maintenance.

MajorCarolDanvers · 04/01/2023 19:35

His day, his responsibility.

He can pay for childcare, go part time, use a grandparent. Not your problem and not your responsibility.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 04/01/2023 20:46

Yep. Dp and his ex do this, divide up the sessions based on what days are each of theirs and pay accordingly. If he cannot collect at the end of school he pays for after school club or whatever. Makes sense to me

Melmimi28 · 04/01/2023 20:47

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.
however I think it would be difficult to get him to pay.
if you cancel the childminder because he won’t pay - then what happens if he choose not to collect your child from school (ie if he’s working ?) you’re left stuck and the one who will end up collecting them.
also I’d be careful messing the childminder about you may lose your spot/ care if there’s arguments which parent is paying and that puts you in a trickier position.
if it were me I’d suck it up and pay it and not be reliant on him paying for it - it can then just get used to control the situation and makes things more awkward for you.

PeekAtYou · 04/01/2023 20:57

Angeldelight81 · 04/01/2023 19:06

My ex refuses to pay CMS when he has the children on holiday. It’s really a very grey area and it’s unenforceable but morally you are correct.

CMS is based on how many nights he has with them per year. So a dad who has the kids 26 nights in a row once a year would pay the same as a dad who has the kids every other Saturday night (26 nights per year)
The CMS has bands for discounts. Less than 52 nights a year = no discount , 52-103 nights =1/7 discount up to no CM payable. If the holiday changes your ex's band for the year then he'd get a discount if using the CMS but if not then he should pay the same.

Angeldelight81 · 04/01/2023 21:39

PeekAtYou · 04/01/2023 20:57

CMS is based on how many nights he has with them per year. So a dad who has the kids 26 nights in a row once a year would pay the same as a dad who has the kids every other Saturday night (26 nights per year)
The CMS has bands for discounts. Less than 52 nights a year = no discount , 52-103 nights =1/7 discount up to no CM payable. If the holiday changes your ex's band for the year then he'd get a discount if using the CMS but if not then he should pay the same.

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CMS has been calculated based on the number of nights which includes the holidays that he has the child. He then refuses to pay for the weeks that he has the child. There is absolutely bugger all can be done about it because he does make the payment that month. It’s just 50% of what it should be and that’s not enough of a red flag for the CSM to do anything. Don’t even get me started with loading up his pension to avoid payment.

Spongebobetta · 05/01/2023 21:38

Not unreasonable at all. We have my stepson every Friday and we pay for childcare on a Friday when we need it in school holidays etc.

Original poster

JaegerAddict · 09/01/2023 18:59

girlmom21 · 04/01/2023 17:09

The court order says he collects from school or nursery then has them overnight till he drops them at school the following day.

Is the wraparound care only necessary because of his working hours?

Yes definitely

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JaegerAddict · 09/01/2023 19:02

Helpwhatwouldyoudonext · 04/01/2023 17:11

Absolutely - tell the CM first what you're going to do, then send them an email (cc him) in bold emotionless terms explaining to the CM you will no longer be booking her for the the Wed as it will be your ex's responsibility.
Job done. I had to do this, felt the same as you but was glad I did it. He messed me about (and the childcare setting) but because I was totally clear and copied them into the same emails it clarified the issue and he couldn't twist things.
Hold your nerve.

Thanks, I will try. He has totally trashed my reputation with virtually every single body that DC come into contact with (school, GP, dentist, etc.) and I know he'd love to twist this to make me look bad

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JaegerAddict · 09/01/2023 19:03

Yeah always overnight on Wednesday's

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JaegerAddict · 09/01/2023 19:06

Holiday's are different as we have to split them 50/50 (despite DC protesting and not wanting to go. But that is for a different thread...)

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