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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think buying and receiving gifts is just stressful these days

39 replies

AboutTheYoungIdea · 04/01/2023 08:39

Really felt this over Xmas, I appreciate that not everyone is so fortunate but in general nobody ‘needs’ or often wants any of the stuff we exchange over Xmas (or on birthdays).

Many people these days are in the position to just buy what they want. Things that would once have been a treat to receive can now be picked up easily at any time and no longer feel particularly special.

When receiving gifts, I appreciate the thought but very few people know me well enough to choose something I’d really like - and tbh most things I’d really like are more than my friends/family’s budgets (not talking hundreds of £ either).

There’s also the waste aspect - if I’d like eg a pair of silver earrings there are certain styles that suit me and so on but unless I specify exactly which - taking all the fun and surprise out of the gift buying - I end up with something I’m unlikely to wear.

It’s also stressful buying gifts, spending money on things just for the sake of giving ‘something’. I try really hard not to go overboard and choose something thoughtful but it just feels a bit pointless knowing people probably feel like I do. It’s often suggested on here to give consumables but who needs more food hanging round - our office kitchen was full of people’s leftovers yesterday and it’s just wasteful and depressing.

I know this sounds spoilt and ungrateful and it’s really not meant to be but I have a small home and limited budget - it depresses me to spend money on things other people don’t really need or want while receiving things I won’t use and don’t have space for.

AIBU to say that gift giving just doesn’t work any more? Or ask for ideas how to improve it!

OP posts:
IamSmarticus · 04/01/2023 08:44

I completely agree, which is why me and DP don't exchange gifts any more. I would have to basically show him exactly what I wanted which as you say, removes the element of surprise - I might as well buy my own! So that's what I do, buy what I want when I want.

It is a bit crap on Christmas morning when you have got nothing to open though, or every man and his dog asks 'what did DP get you for Christmas then?'

Warspite · 04/01/2023 08:45

As a family we gave up Christmas and (mostly) birthday gift giving about 3 years ago.
The sigh of relief resonated throughout and nobody minded.
You just need to tell everyone you’re unable to do it. End of.

NoseyNellie · 04/01/2023 09:00

If it doesn’t work for you, don’t do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

We haven’t done presents between (adult) siblings for years now - it’s kids only. I buy token gifts for a couple of friends (bought a v good friend a bread knife because she’d mentioned in passing that she had been hacking at a baguette with a paring knife) and my mum and I buy each other stuff we pretty much know each would like but will happily purchase from charity shops and there is an implicit agreement that if you don’t like anything you’re given you are absolutely free to regift/donate/give away

Womencanlift · 04/01/2023 09:41

We tend to do experiences now as gifts. So concert tickets, gift vouchers for restaurants, theatre tickets/vouchers etc

Saves on buying “stuff”, means there is something to look forward to throughout the year and if you go to the event with that person (which probably happens more for concerts) then you get some nice 121 time with them

magicscares · 04/01/2023 09:45

giving & receiving gifts from close people can be lovely, especially if it’s something I’d it they’d really like or need. However there does seem to be a need to give ott gifts that, as you say people mostly don’t want. I also can’t stand the plastic tat waste that comes with it. I used Vinted to buy many gifts this year which felt good.

byvirtue · 04/01/2023 09:51

I agree, I hate the pressure that we “have” to buy a gift at Christmas particularly when we host every year and have the expense of all the food and booze it feels ridiculous to buy presents for a bunch of grownups who can buy whatever they want.

I also hate receiving presents I don’t want, the presents I didn’t want or ask for have already been donated to charity but it annoys me I don’t want them, someone wasted their money on them and I have to get rid of them!!

it’s capitalism at its finest convincing us we “have” to spend money at Christmas in particular. It’s not good for the environment particularly when I’m trying to consume less.

ive told husband we aren’t doing gifts for adults next year. We will buy presents for our daughter to give to people who get her gifts but no adult to adult gifting.

GiltEdges · 04/01/2023 09:59

I completely agree. Only DH really knows me well enough and spends enough time with me to know what I might actually want and need in a gift, and so I enjoy receiving gifts from him, and vice versa. I also enjoy buying for DS while he’s still young.

Outside of that, I’d absolutely prefer to buy nothing and receive nothing. As you say, it’s all spending money for the sake of it and receiving things in return that you don’t want and having to either find a place for them or move them on. It’s an expensive and completely pointless exercise.

Sadly though, it’s not always as simply as just not doing it anymore. We’ve tried cutting back in the past and suggesting people stop buying for us in return, but we were either outright ignored, or in the case of some members of DH’s wider family it almost caused WW3.

Ragwort · 04/01/2023 10:13

Totally agree and in our family we no longer exchange gifts as adults which is very liberating .. no adult needs the 'excitement' of something to open on Christmas Day Hmm.
I repeat this so many times on Mumsnet ... but I manage a charity shop and at this time of year we are inundated with unwanted Christmas gifts ... most of those we can sell but the worse things are "personalised" ... eg: an expensive wooden board with 'The Ragwort Family' printed on .. who is going to want that?!

TeeBee · 04/01/2023 10:30

Totally agree! Ruin's Christmas for me.

LadySweetPea · 04/01/2023 10:39

Agree. I only buy for my children and it has been that way for years.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 04/01/2023 10:39

Completely agree.

I also find it quite upsetting when you spend time on trying to find something that someone would like as a present and you do not even get so much as a "thank you" or acknowledgement that they've received it through the post!
I will just be doing dc this Christmas coming. I'm fed up of it.

Babymamamama · 04/01/2023 10:44

Quite right OP. This is why I focus on purchases for children in the family. With adults if I absolutely have to gift I will give nice booze or chocolates (sometimes/usually regifted tbh) as I have to watch my waistline sadly.

Fuwari · 04/01/2023 10:50

It’s a bit of a privileged viewpoint to think all adults can buy what they want when they want. I’m going through a sticky patch financially and am not spending anything outside of food/bills/housing costs. Getting a few gifts at Christmas was really nice. They weren’t particularly expensive but all things I appreciated and am using. Things I wouldn’t feel justified buying right now.

Go with no gifts if that works for you, but don’t assume we all feel the same.

Ragwort · 04/01/2023 11:11

Fuwari but do you spend your hard earned cash on other people's presents .. if you do receive some nice gifts that you appreciate then that's great .. but not if you are having to spend equivalent sums on gifts for other people to reciprocate? Confused

TeddyTrucks · 04/01/2023 11:28

Having spent hundreds of pounds that I could ill afford on my nephew and niece's birthday/Christmas/christening presents, then when I had my own children my brother suddenly thinks it's a great idea to ditch presents altogether, I am 100% with you.

AboutTheYoungIdea · 04/01/2023 11:28

@Fuwari completely get that and sorry you're having a tricky time. You're right that it's a fortunate position to be in although I'm far from loaded but even if I was I'd still hate the waste and unnecessary spending - fair enough if it's what people want but I often dont think they do.

OP posts:
Fuwari · 04/01/2023 13:54

I said this on another thread but it's only waste if its not something the person wants. I don't want alcohol or chocolate as I'm trying to give up drinking and I so rarely eat any chocolate, so that type of gift is wasted on me.

Mostly gift buying is limited to myself and adult DC. They know me well enough to know what gifts I'll love and vice versa. We all have lots of hobbies which is a good source for gift buying. I think if you're not close enough to know what someone will appreciate, you're probably not close enough for gift buying! I don't agree with buying something just for the sake of it. I'm with you on that.

Sparklesocks · 04/01/2023 14:01

We do secret Santa with the adults in my family for about £30-35, we use an online draw thing where you can add wish lists or ideas so everyone gets a nice gift and there’s no faffing trying to sort everyone and nobody takes home loads of excess stuff they don’t want/need. Works quite well.

BigMadAdrian · 04/01/2023 14:08

I completely agree. I find it quite stressful when all the texts from family start coming in November 'what can we get the dc for Christmas?' when they really don't want anything. People end up buying stuff for the sake of it. I sometimes randomly buy things that I see and think someone might like - but shoehorning into a particular time of year is much harder and ends up feeling a bit transactional.

AboutTheYoungIdea · 04/01/2023 14:10

I'd love to do a Secret Santa/wishlist type of thing, that way everyone has the fun of giving but people still get something they'd like. But my family wont consider it 🙄

OP posts:
Porcinimushroom · 04/01/2023 14:53

I don’t find it a waste, I love buying gifts for friends and family and I love the fact people go to an effort to buy me gifts, it is not about the what it is about the thought.

for my husband and daughter I ask explicitly what they wish and I buy it, they are still delighted to receive it. For friends and wider family it’s about the thought of giving and same back

healthadvice123 · 04/01/2023 14:59

Only adults we buy is parents and my brother and wife we do a token gift no more than £10 so may be some nice bubble bath or a bottle drink they like etc
No other sublings or aunts and uncles
Some neices / nephews are technically adults but still living at home , uni etc so just do a gift voucher but will stop when they become a little older
Dh & I have not bought each other gifts for most years occasional times if money has been better and something we want, birthdays we spend on nice meal out or something

healthadvice123 · 04/01/2023 15:01

Some of my extended family within their family group incl older neice and nephews just do a £50 secret santa and they write a list of things they may like and that works well
Everyone sends x anount and get something they want or need

amusedbush · 04/01/2023 15:16

AboutTheYoungIdea · 04/01/2023 14:10

I'd love to do a Secret Santa/wishlist type of thing, that way everyone has the fun of giving but people still get something they'd like. But my family wont consider it 🙄

I feel exactly the same as you do about gifts and was happy when a family member suggested Secret Santa this year. However, out of about 20 people involved, I was the only one who ended up kind of stiffed.

DH and I have a long-standing agreement that I sort gifts for my family and he sorts his family. So I chose thoughtful gifts (which appeared to be well received) for the people he and I pulled out of the hat, and DH was given a lovely, personal present that he really likes. I opened mine and it was a voucher for a food delivery service, which I’m obviously going to end up sharing because I don’t order takeaway by myself Xmas Hmm

I just can’t be arsed with any of it and would rather people saved their money!

NegroniLover · 04/01/2023 15:20

I understand the sentiment when it comes to buying for wider family/ acquaintances etc. In these cases it's 'generic' gifts & I'm not a fan.
We gave up buying & receiving these years ago thankfully although if we're seeing friends over the hols we'd always bring flowers / wine / chocolates & perhaps a tin of fancy biscuits etc but we do that anyway if we're invited to someone's house.

We do chriskindle on dh's side so each adult buys & receives 1 gift to a specified value. Dh ALWAYS ensures he buys something lovely to that exact value however his siblings don't & each year he's received something of far less value. The principle annoys me but it's his family & I just leave him.to it. I'm not part of the process anyway as they just buy something for him as opposed to for us a a couple. Suits me.

I always receive very very lovely gifts from dh. He's very generous & thoughtful. And we love to surprise each other. We listen intently to things the other might mention in passing & squirrel that info away till its needed. Yes we could buy the same stuff ourselves but our presents to each other are usually on the more luxurious side so they're not usually things we just randomly buy. I received very expensive perfume & a beautiful bag this year.

We love buying for teen dd & we discuss what to get her & again we listen & take note of things she mentions during the year. She doesn't have an income & it's nice to spoil her with some luxuries.

Generic gifts we receive seem to be mostly alcohol or candles & we always use both up.

I have never given an unwanted gift to a charity shop in my life (we have of course donated other things) & I really don't understand the example given up thread by the person who work in a charity shop - being donated a wooden chopping board with a personalised name - why would anyone donate that? It's something that can be used & is practical & it seems like a v churlish thing to do to give it away immediately after Christmas. I blame the donater not the giver in that instance.

People on MN seem full of angst around presents but I honestly never experience that in real life