To think buying and receiving gifts is just stressful these days

[AboutTheYoungIdea]

Really felt this over Xmas, I appreciate that not everyone is so fortunate but in general nobody ‘needs’ or often wants any of the stuff we exchange over Xmas (or on birthdays).

Many people these days are in the position to just buy what they want. Things that would once have been a treat to receive can now be picked up easily at any time and no longer feel particularly special.

When receiving gifts, I appreciate the thought but very few people know me well enough to choose something I’d really like - and tbh most things I’d really like are more than my friends/family’s budgets (not talking hundreds of £ either).

There’s also the waste aspect - if I’d like eg a pair of silver earrings there are certain styles that suit me and so on but unless I specify exactly which - taking all the fun and surprise out of the gift buying - I end up with something I’m unlikely to wear.

It’s also stressful buying gifts, spending money on things just for the sake of giving ‘something’. I try really hard not to go overboard and choose something thoughtful but it just feels a bit pointless knowing people probably feel like I do. It’s often suggested on here to give consumables but who needs more food hanging round - our office kitchen was full of people’s leftovers yesterday and it’s just wasteful and depressing.

I know this sounds spoilt and ungrateful and it’s really not meant to be but I have a small home and limited budget - it depresses me to spend money on things other people don’t really need or want while receiving things I won’t use and don’t have space for.

AIBU to say that gift giving just doesn’t work any more? Or ask for ideas how to improve it!

I don't find it stressful, no. But if I did, I wouldn't be doing it.

Completely agree.
A lot of gift giving just feels unnecessary, transactional and box ticking.

Completely agree. We don't exchange with adults in the family, just buy for children. We're all capable of buying what we like but even if it was the case that we weren't in that position I'd rather people spend their hard earned cash on themselves or their own families than buy me a gift. It's all so wasteful and the amount of "stuff" associated with Christmas gets me down, there is too much stuff in the world.

I don't want more 'stuff' to have it hanging round until the next school fair so it can be donated and hang around the next person's house and on and on. Just stop with all the stuff! I have a friend who insists on buying us biscuits because 'they have to give something'. I don't want more biscuits! And the tin goes in the recycling, I've no space for random tins. Waste! (And calories!). Its lovely just to be with people over Christmas, eat and drink together and play games, make time for each other which doesn't tend to happen for the rest of the year, that's the best Christmas gift.

I’d also add, I agree with a pp if you’re not close enough to know what they want or would like then you shouldn’t be buying gifts.

for one of my friends this year I bought her cashmere socks and a body lotion to go with her favourite perfume. She got me silky shorts pyjamas as she knows I wear short,pjs to bed. For another friend I bought a book by her fave author that I know she doesn’t have and a large woollen scarf in her colours, she got me my fave diptyque candle.

if you don’t know the person well enough, you shouldn’t be buying them gifts. And vice Versa. It’s an exercise in futility, lip service being paid for etiquette reasons and nothing more. And that’s not what gift giving should be.

and that’s what it sounds like for you, giving folks you don’t know very well random gifts and them you for the sake of it. And if that’s the case, knock it on the head.

I really don't understand the example given up thread by the person who work in a charity shop - being donated a wooden chopping board with a personalised name - why would anyone donate that

I was very surprised by that too. I was given, a few years back, a personalised wooden cheeseboard set. I use it often, either for nice dinners at home or when I have guests. I can’t imagine giving away a chopping board like that.

I'm not that surprised at the chopping board, most people who want a chopping board would already have a chopping board so it's either throw the one you have away (wasteful) or donate the brand new one. Unless you want to have 2 hanging round. Yes it's personalised but hopefully less wasteful to donate that one, someone might buy it.

I’ve got about six wooden chopping boards, most of which were presents. All lovely, each very useful. How many do I have to gratefully accept before I can say I’ve got more wooden chopping boards than I can reasonably store or use?

I couldn’t agree more with the OP. We moved house recently and while packing I realised that I have an entire chest of drawers filled with presents from my family and inlaws. It’s all nice stuff, carefully selected. Candles, stationery, purses, gloves, toiletries… I don’t need or want any of it, I just keep it all out of guilt, until one day soon I’ll get sick of it and bin it all and then feel guilty about the landfill. And I know that they run themselves ragged every year racing round buying more of this shit that nobody needs and be too busy and stressed to enjoy Christmas.

It’s a situation that very much reminds me of Caitlin Moran’s rule that you should always ask “are the men doing this? And if not, why not?” And the answer is, no, they aren’t. Men don’t buy each other presents, they just go for a pint instead. Which is affordable, non-wasteful, supports a local business, and is stress-free and genuinely makes both of them happy. We need to stop piling this stupid guilt on each other, it’s just a ridiculous self-perpetuating cycle.

People on MN seem full of angst around presents but I honestly never experience that in real life.

Same here. It seems we're in a minority! My family do wishlists. Fairly specific ones for the children in the family, compiled by their parents. More generic, less specific ones from the adults, so that quite a bit of personal choice remains for the gift-giver. Nobody gets things they don't want. Nobody is getting stressed out trying to think what to get. It's pretty easy tbh.

So instead of seeing something I want, thinking carefully about whether I need it, have room for it and can justify the cost, and then buying it at the point in time I want it, I have to do all that research and thought, wait until the right time before Christmas, communicate it to loved ones in a way that isn’t confusing or demanding, find an alternative because it went out of stock months ago, negotiate three-way plans for it to be delivered… how is that in any way not just adding unnecessary difficulty to the entire process?

I love buying gifts. I put a lot of thought into the gifts I buy and enjoy the recipients getting pleasure from them.

Completely agree and have felt that way for years! This year was the first year there was nothing to unwrap. The kids got digital gifts, none of us adults did presents at all.

I don’t like receiving presents either!I don’t like the “having to emote” (these reactions I swear we all just copy from each other!) and I keep telling people over the years that I don’t like “things”. I am really minimalist with my (carefully chosen!) belongings.

A friend sent me a themed tshirt she thought I would like randomly in the year and it gave me a lot of anxiety. Let’s say I have a random cup with in the house with a cheesy pop star on it and she’s got me an expensive tshirt with the same pop star on it, saying she saw it and just had to.

I hate it. hate themed t-shirts, I’m not actually, really a fan of the person, and the design is just hideous.

All this gift did for me is make me feel a bit like a child who’s been given an ugly dress, give me guilt over the money spent, make me feel like an asshole for being ungrateful for a gift, put me in a position where I had to be a complete fake and send a gushy thank-you message and make me have to keep a horrible item in case it’s mentioned one day in person.

But Apple how do really know that the recipients of your gifts really love them? I am over 60 and can probably count on one hand the the number of truly great (& I don't mean expensive) presents I have received. Of course I always look pleased and thank people profusely but in most cases it's just not something I would have chosen myself. Like Original you then have the awkward situation of having to wear/use something that is just not quite right.

I had a friend who thought she was a great present giver ... she really wasn't and it got quite embarrassing as she had such an over inflated opinion of herself as being great at choosing gifts .

I buy for only a very small number of people who I know very well and spend lots of time with. I would soon know if they didn’t like their gifts.

I think the same. My grown up grandchildren don't feel it's necessary to say thank you either so I will not buy anything else for them from now on