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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH no patience with baby

48 replies

manchild22 · 04/01/2023 08:09

OH is a right impatient stress ball when it comes to our 8 month old son.

Is it just my OH who is like this? It's Literally as if an 8 month old baby is supposed to never cry, or fuss at a bottle, or take a while to get to sleep and then wake up a few times??

For what it's worth DS is a literal angel. Such a happy content little baby. He is so chilled out and always smiling. Obviously he has is moments but can't really complain.

OH just gets annoyed and worked up over things like:

  • DS messing around/getting distracted when having his bottle (which OH rarely has to do as he is mainly BF)
  • DS wakes up and doesn't immediately go back off to sleep for him.
  • if he cries or makes moaning sounds.
  • If he has a little spit up over himself and there's no wipes in reaching range or if he kicks his legs when getting his nappy changed 🙄

I also feel like he doesn't actually like spending time with him or that in fact he actually even likes him sometimes. Some examples:

  • never says goodnight to him
  • never says goodbye or kiss him goodbye even if he does it to me while I'm holding ds.
  • Bath times are quickest baths I've ever seen (DS loves playing in the bath)
  • never randomly picks him up to cuddle him or just be with him.
  • will only really
Make effort to play with him while I go for a shower but only until he starts moaning.

I'm probably over reacting but a lot of the time I feel like to him our DS is just an inconvenience.

He just gets to really stroppy over things like the listed above and starts stomping around, making nasty comments, like over dramatic pissed off like a bloody man child. I just cba with it. Puts me right off him.

Especially when he has been at work all day so it's the first time he has actually interacted with DS and it's just him moaning at him over nothing.

Rant over

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 04/01/2023 08:34

You're under reacting if anything, this all sounds quite chilling. Don't leave him alone with your baby.

SeenAndNot · 04/01/2023 08:36

What is he doing when he has no patience?

This is very deeply concerning

DysmalRadius · 04/01/2023 08:40

That's really worrying - at this age there's simply nothing to get annoyed about when it comes to a baby's behaviour. I'd worry how he will cope as your son gets older and actually starts pushing boundaries and properly misbehaving.

Ludo19 · 04/01/2023 08:40

Agree with pp. He sounds like he doesn't like the baby at all, who by the way, sounds adorable.
I think you need to look at why he's acting like this. Was he always stroppy? Stomping around? Was the baby planned?

Warspite · 04/01/2023 08:41

This sounds scary.
As above, I wouldn’t leave your baby alone with him.

megan2021 · 04/01/2023 08:41

Could he be suffering from PND? Is the baby your first? I don't think anything prepares you for how much your life is flipped upside down and it affects Dads too.

It sounds like he has some issues he needs to sort with regards to his patience and he needs to find some way to bond with his DS. Babies at that age don't give a lot back and it can take a conscious effort to do all of the baby talk. Does he have any special interests that he could involve DS in?

Lampan · 04/01/2023 08:48

He sounds incredibly naive. Why did he want a child? Did he not realise this was all part of it?

PopUpMoon · 04/01/2023 08:51

Fuck off with the PND comments, that’s specific to women due to the hormones involved in pregnancy and birth.

This guy is an asshole, and is showing all the danger signs towards his baby. You can never leave them alone OP.

BeckyBoo16 · 04/01/2023 08:53

It’s normal to feel a bit stressed from time to time with baby, but there are different and better ways of dealing with it, like making sure baby is left in a safe space and just going into a different room for a couple of minutes and then going back to baby. Babies also pick up on tension so your DS could be picking up on your OH’s feelings.

Has he always been this stressed with baby? Or is it a new thing? Perhaps he needs to talk to someone about these feelings?

toomuchlaundry · 04/01/2023 08:59

Does your OH do anything round the house? Does he resent having to do things with the baby as he thinks it’s your role.

DH loved doing bath time with DS when DS was a baby as it gave him time to bond with him especially after being at work all day. That is how it should be.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2023 09:01

This is very, very chilling. I wouldn't stay with this man. The impact he will have on your child will be devastating.

Original poster
manchild22 · 04/01/2023 09:05

Baby was planned - we had a few miscarriages beforehand so a very much wanted baby.

He has a primary school aged daughter from a previous relationship who is with us pretty much full time.

He doesn't shout at DS or anything like that infront of him it's just how he acts if he doesn't cooperate how he wants him to straight away. He will make comments and show his stroppy all away from DS.

In some ways he is really good with him but I just sometimes feel that DS has ruined his life and that he doesn't enjoy doing dad things it's more of like a chore.

I do call him out on it like I did last night and then he seemed to get on with it in a normal way getting DS to sleep but tbh I'm more confused that he has done it all before so obviously he knows a baby isn't textbook.

OP posts:
VainAbigail · 04/01/2023 09:06

He sounds like he struggling with the life change.

loveyours · 04/01/2023 09:10

PopUpMoon · 04/01/2023 08:51

Fuck off with the PND comments, that’s specific to women due to the hormones involved in pregnancy and birth.

This guy is an asshole, and is showing all the danger signs towards his baby. You can never leave them alone OP.

There's no need to be rude to pp, just let them know in a civil way.

I agree with not leaving him with the baby but he's not an 'asshole'. Nobody can predict how they feel when a baby is born. You wouldn't call a woman an asshole for not adjusting well, why is it on to do the same to a man?

He should try harder and seek help, yes, but he hasn't done anything terrible.

toomuchlaundry · 04/01/2023 09:10

So does he do the majority of parenting of his daughter? Why is she with you nearly full-time?

loveyours · 04/01/2023 09:11

You have my sympathy op, not sure what the definitive answer is. Sometimes these things resolve as the child gets older- not everyone enjoys being tethered to a baby.

TulipsRule · 04/01/2023 09:18

manchild22 · 04/01/2023 08:09

OH is a right impatient stress ball when it comes to our 8 month old son.

Is it just my OH who is like this? It's Literally as if an 8 month old baby is supposed to never cry, or fuss at a bottle, or take a while to get to sleep and then wake up a few times??

For what it's worth DS is a literal angel. Such a happy content little baby. He is so chilled out and always smiling. Obviously he has is moments but can't really complain.

OH just gets annoyed and worked up over things like:

  • DS messing around/getting distracted when having his bottle (which OH rarely has to do as he is mainly BF)
  • DS wakes up and doesn't immediately go back off to sleep for him.
  • if he cries or makes moaning sounds.
  • If he has a little spit up over himself and there's no wipes in reaching range or if he kicks his legs when getting his nappy changed 🙄

I also feel like he doesn't actually like spending time with him or that in fact he actually even likes him sometimes. Some examples:

  • never says goodnight to him
  • never says goodbye or kiss him goodbye even if he does it to me while I'm holding ds.
  • Bath times are quickest baths I've ever seen (DS loves playing in the bath)
  • never randomly picks him up to cuddle him or just be with him.
  • will only really
Make effort to play with him while I go for a shower but only until he starts moaning.

I'm probably over reacting but a lot of the time I feel like to him our DS is just an inconvenience.

He just gets to really stroppy over things like the listed above and starts stomping around, making nasty comments, like over dramatic pissed off like a bloody man child. I just cba with it. Puts me right off him.

Especially when he has been at work all day so it's the first time he has actually interacted with DS and it's just him moaning at him over nothing.

Rant over

I’ve been through very similar and OH had no bond with baby. I never felt he was a safety risk but he seemed very “removed” from him and spoke of DC as if he was a chore.
Eventually, I gave him an ultimatum of fix up or leave (obviously I’d be trying for months and months at this point and beginning to become concerned re: impact on DCs development). He went to the doctors and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, since seeking help he has been a different parent altogether and treats DC like his little best friend.

I empathise with how exhausting and infuriating it is, particularly when OH sulks/stomps around…like having another child! Can you approach the conversation of MH concerns with him?

He may have no MH concerns and just be a dick, but worth checking in perhaps.

Original poster
manchild22 · 04/01/2023 09:25

I don't have any concerns that he is a danger to the baby at all. He really isn't like that at all. I just struggle to understand why he can't have a little more patience when giving him a bottle or getting him to sleep. Probably because he knows I'll take over and do it.

He helps with housework. I do a fair amount of 'parenting' to his DSD as I'm on maternity leave I help with school runs and after school. This will change when I'm back to work. I have taken a step back with DSD as I felt I was doing to much.

I will have a talk with him @TulipsRule because I do think it could be MH. Thankyou. He never used to be like this.
Just feel a bit sad as he can be very hands on with his daughter as he should be. I do think he has a bit of dad guilt not sure why though.

OP posts:
1hyuny · 04/01/2023 09:30

100% no bond and possible depression. It can often take men a long time to bond with their baby. This is normal and it's unfair to assume he's a risk to the child unless he's particularly aggressive. It's so easy to forget the baby stage once your child is older so him already having a school aged child is irrelevant in a way. Have a calm talk with him and suggest GP .

mamabeeboo · 04/01/2023 09:45

OP this is more common than you think. I think especially with men, the change with having a baby is literally overnight. Whereas with many women, we have that maternal bond from pregnancy. So I felt like a mum for 9 months before my DS was born.

My DH found feeding around the clock, no sleep, crying etc a bit of a shock, and it came out as impatience. Of course he wasn't on maternity leave, so wasn't learning about the baby all day long, like I was, so it was frustrating for him to get things wrong, or not know how to soothe the baby. For example, the soothing tactic that worked last week, didn't work this week, and everything changes so fast it's hard for someone who isn't home all the time to keep up.

But once DS started having his own personality around 5 months when he started smiling, interacting more etc DH developed the bond. 2 years later and they are now besties.

NewHopeNow · 04/01/2023 09:57

Reading this has made me very sad for you and your baby. You asked if it's only your OH who behaves this way and while I can't speak for everyone I can tell you my DH was never like this. We've had 2 babies and what really struck me was when you said he never just goes and picks up the baby or cuddles the baby. My DH has been a very hands on dad right from the start, we have a boy and a girl and he loves them both so much and shows it in every way. I honestly don't know how I could cope on your situation, I'd have to address it.

JennyForeigner · 04/01/2023 10:01

One of the worst things I heard in the last dreadful year was about the fostered baby who was killed by his carers. They thought he was 'lazy' at 10 months.

Honestly, I think you need to step on this hard. Babies are blobs for a good 18 months. It isn't reasonable or ok to assign any kind of culpability or responsibility to them on any subject.

TulipsRule · 04/01/2023 13:18

No problem @manchild22 do reach out on PM if you’d like to talk more or you need a bit of support, mines 7 months so sounds like we’ve had a similar experience.

take care 😊

NewHopeNow · 04/01/2023 19:43

Have you thought about voicing your concerns op?

AnyFucker · 04/01/2023 19:49

Could he be suffering from PND?

Oh, give it a rest

Op, I think you need to read your first post and then the one where you backtrack massively. It’s quite marked. You are minimising this. I am also not remotely surprised you do most of the parent for your stepdaughter. This man thinks childcare is women’s work.

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