to stand up for myself and say no more to bullying at work?

[sweetkitty]

I’ll try and keep this simple. I work part-time, I work the end of the week Weds pm, thus/fri. I have 3 assistants, 2 of whom have started bullying me as they seem to prefer the other person. I have worked with the 2 of them before separately fine but in the last few months since they have gotten together it’s like they have taken over.

I’m not an assertive, bossy person by nature, I prefer to make sure everyone has a voice and instead of micro-managing I have allowed them to be adults and take their own breaks etc. It is especially difficult when you come in at the end of the week and they are like “oh we’ve not been doing that all week etc”

If I was working full time in the role I would be in complete control and it would be a different situation in that it would be completely my rules but I’ve been so aware of not upsetting the start of the week person etc that I’ve been too soft and not assertive enough.

The other tricky thing is we work with children so if I come in and change things it’s going to upset the continuity for the children. I’m all about nurture and building relationships whereas they are about discipline.

it’s got to the stage they are mean and just toxic, if I ask them to do something they won’t do it or do it hesitantly. One started tidying up the other day because he wanted to (bearing in mind he is MY assistant), he went as far as telling me it was time for my lunch (at this point I was speechless and said I’ll go when I am ready). Then there’s all the little passive-aggressive things the rolling of the eyes at each other, the missing me off the break rota, the going out after work and not inviting me, it’s silly pathetic little things.

My job share feels a bit the same but to lesser extent, so now I’m going back and I’m going to have to seriously kick some ass and grow a pair however uncomfortable it feels. I won’t be back until Weds which again is difficult, I’m going to have to have a meeting with them probably separately and speak to them and say this is not on technically I am your manager. You are overstepping the bark wind your necks in. Of course doesn’t help that everyone else in the team think they are wonderful they’ve obviously been talking about me a lot behind my back. I detest all this bullshit all I want to do is do the best for the children I teach.

sorry for the huge post

any hints/tips would be appreciated helps this very sensitive empath?

It's hard to say here as you aren't been specific enough over their transgressions. If they go out after work without inviting you that's their prerogative and you can't flag that.

I'd very much detach myself here-you are not their friend so don't take it personally but you must work together. You say they are refusing instructions-now you must write this down each time it happens and have clear examples. What exactly did you say when they refused?

Address this to them and if it doesn't change report it to somebody higher up.

Then there’s all the little passive-aggressive things the rolling of the eyes at each other, the missing me off the break rota, the going out after work and not inviting me, it’s silly pathetic little things

most of this I'd pass but if they are not putting you on break rota why do you care? It's a good thing surely?

I agree with the above. Separate out the personal things and address what matters. Direct, cheerful tone.

1. Refusing instructions. First, tell your manager that this is something that you're going to start addressing (in case they try to go over your head). Then have a one-on-one with the offender and make it really clear. "Chad, when I asked you to do X you refused. In order for things to run smoothly, I need to trust that if I ask you to do something it'll get done. Are you able to do that going forward? Great." Then end the meeting by standing up with a big smile.

1. The eye-rolling and shitty attitude. Again, sit down and say, "I noticed that when we were discussing X you were rolling your eyes/sighing/whatever. I hope we have the kind of relationship where you can just tell me any concerns. In this office we need to be respectful and professional--so no eye-rolling etc. going forward."

Because they are there all week and you and your job share are there half a week they have come to think they run things! I suggest a conflab with your job share partner to agree exactly how you both want things done with meticulous record-keeping of breaches.
Also, is it possible to transfer one of them to a different team ostensibly for career development!

Address issues when you see them

They’re not going to ask you on a night out because you’re their manager, that’s ok - don’t mention that though

Because they are there all week and you and your job share are there half a week they have come to think they run things

yes this. I do supply teaching and have had gigs in schools whereby the ta totally undermine me and pretty much went over my head because I'm not the real teacher. It is infuriating. I had 1 guy who was a ta although only one day a week as he wanted to do it more for his cv to enter teaching. He knew I wasn't the real teacher and he'd come in and take over making decisions that only I was supposed to make, I was livid.

*I agree with the above. Separate out the personal things and address what matters. Direct, cheerful tone.
Refusing instructions. First, tell your manager that this is something that you're going to start addressing (in case they try to go over your head). Then have a one-on-one with the offender and make it really clear. "Chad, when I asked you to do X you refused. In order for things to run smoothly, I need to trust that if I ask you to do something it'll get done. Are you able to do that going forward? Great." Then end the meeting by standing up with a big smile.

1. The eye-rolling and shitty attitude. Again, sit down and say, "I noticed that when we were discussing X you were rolling your eyes/sighing/whatever. I hope we have the kind of relationship where you can just tell me any concerns. In this office we need to be respectful and professional--so no eye-rolling etc. going forward*

I would also email these points after the meeting to them so you have direct evidence need you have to take it further. If need be even cc somebody into them. Paper trails are essential in any sort of conflict.

Without having details it's difficult to say. But it feels more like a lack of coordination between the "start of the week" person and you.

Do you ever have meetings to discuss what is to happen in the week? tasks and roles?

I agree with a meeting with your job share partner. You should aim for consistency during the week so should be doing most stuff the same way regardless of whose day it is. They could be pissed off because you have different methods.

Find out if they are being like this with the other person.

They are not obliged to invite you out.

You should aim for consistency during the week so should be doing most stuff the same way regardless of whose day it is. They could be pissed off because you have different methods

Whether they are pissed off or not though is irrelevant, at the end of the day the op is their boss and she can do whatever she wants (within reason ofcourse) and they must follow the order. That's the way it is and they must obey her and tow the line whether they like it or not. They don't get to decide who/what to obey based on their preferences, they must do what is instructed by the authority.

Assuming OP is in the army, no decent organisation works like this.

if I were you I’d try to reframe the drinks after work thing
no one wants to be the buddy buddy manager and you’d be making excuses to decline invites anyway, then just seem like you’re “above it”
so at least by not being invited they’ve taken that issue out of your hands

when they roll their eyes just be like “are you ok?” They will be like “sure” and yojr can be like “oh ok sorry I just thought you were rolling your eyes. My mistake” and just repeat that until they’re too embarrassed to do it again

not following instructions - send them via email and if they’re not done escalate.
I don’t think it’s bullying - just shitty work attitudes and you need to take some control and power back.

Assuming OP is in the army, no decent organisation works like this

That's rubbish. In many(if not all) jobs, there are clear rules, regulations and orders from the mgmt and our higher ups we must follow, I work in teaching and constantly hear staff moaning about what slt is making them do.
Do they want to do it? No.
Do they agree with the instruction and see its value always? No.
Do they refuse? Absolutely not.

We can't just do whatever we want in work or obey it based on whether we like the person giving the order or whether we agree with it.

Assuming OP is in the army, no decent organisation works like this.

IME not even the army works like this in most cases (obviously there are times when it is absolutely required.)

The first thing to do, very urgently, is to speak to the other person, and establish a way of working that both of you can keep to. Then communicate this to the team.

then establishing a good routine/relationship with the team doing the work.

I’ll try and answer these things:

• honestly I couldn’t care about the night out I didn’t want to go on the night out it was the sneaky little obviously “we are going out and your not invited” stuff going on. The going getting dressed the talking about it trying to keep it a secret. I was already going out myself. FWIW was out with one of the people in June and had a fantastic night before all this happened.
• yes there’s been a lot of me and the job share partner not seeing eye to eye, at first I thought it was that they liked her approach better than mine but she’s now complaining about them too which tbh has made me feel a lot better that it’s not just me

@pillow56 i think you’ve got it because job share and I are there half the week each and they are there all week they think they are running things, we’re doing an activity and one starts tidying up I ask “why you tidying up?” (Ie I’ve not asked you to) “oh the children aren’t engaging so we decided we will stop at this time now?” I make the timetables/activities/lessons. Don’t know what was on his plans were for the rest of the time? They also move my resources/tidy them away/allow them to get broken

the staff rota thing - sorry didn’t explain it - at the beginning of the week usually the person in charge decides the breaks for everyone and writes them up on a board, well assistant has decided he’s writing on the board and the last week he put job share teachers name on but not mine (usually it’s X/Y) it’s a totally pathetic childish thing to do. Again if i was full time I’d just scrub the board and tell them this is their breaks, but I have treated them like adults and let them sort it out now he thinks he’s in charge of my board. And if I scrub it I look petty. Does that makes sense? I do have a solution for that though but just the disrespect and it’s not a mistake he left my name off 3 times and when I asked him he said oh sorry and I said are you or was it wishful thinking? (I know but I was at the end of my tether)

I know all these little things seems petty but if you are working in a very small room in a tough job with 2 people who are supposed to be your assistants who are not helping you, trying to make you look bad and rolling their eyes and being well a bit toxic all the time it wears you down.

Are you a nursery teacher as it sounds like a teacher and TAs scenario but if that's the case and you are in a state school, a) it is poorly paid and hard to recruit for ATM so they may feel they have that security b) even if you line manage them, they may go to someone senior in the school to put their side. I'm not saying your points aren't valid and they sound annoying but IME schools the teacher/TA dynamic is not the same as say an Accountant directly managing an admin assistant in the private sector. They seem like they have more power than that.

How are you 'technically' their manager? You either are senior, or you aren't. Change your thinking and take charge. Unless you think that you aren't fit for your role? I think that you should be telling yourself that you are in charge and take charge.

Is this teaching?

What do you mean technically you’re their manager? You either are or are not and there is better ways to speak to people than wind your neck in.

you need to understand what your expectations are and articulate them.

If you are referring to their line management as a technicality, it sounds quite vague and that this is a paperwork thing. If that is the culture I think you are going to struggle to turn this around. Due to the nature of my job I can't be 'instructed' on how to perform it but on paper they need me to have a LM as yet I don't have anyone. I work with schools and have to encourage line managers some of whom are teachers to take responsibility for the data protection compliance in their teams, it is an alien concept half the time and they just ask me to directly ' manage' the situation this is not how it is supposed to be but I have found in schools that LM notion rarely exists and even senior managers act in isolation. I think if you are in that kind of work culture then it is going to be tricky to change things.

My advice is to pull your assistant to one side, and ask him directly if he has a problem with you? Be honest with what you've seen/felt. If you don't call him out he will continue to do this. He sounds really immature and I bet if you speak maturely to him, he will feel awkward. Also, say to him is there anything I can do to help you in your role (as annoying as it sounds it's quite good way for them to air any issues). If this doesn't improve I would take things higher. Sounds very toxic and the fact you work with children makes it even worse. I wouldn't want people like this working with my children.

This sounds like a complete lack of communication rather than bullying. For example re them changing the activities. Why don’t you briefly run through the schedule for the day with the assistants each morning, so they understand and can contribute to your plans?

Do you and your job share overlap at all? I think it would be worth the both of you sitting down and deciding how you are going to deal with this. If you are united then they will learn that the rules are the same, no matter which one of you is in.

Be firm!

They sound horrible. Low level bullying and whispering is really really wearing. Been there. I was in a position to leave (thank god!!!).

If you are referring to their line management as a technicality, it sounds quite vague and that this is a paperwork thing

agree, and if you need to point it out to people that you’re their manager, and refer to it as only a technicality , then something is missing here in this story

you are either their manager or you are not. And if you are it isn’t a technicality and shouldn’t need pointing out. Also things like them not scheduling your breaks. Any manager would just have that reworked.

so are you in actual fact their manager and they your assistants? Because it doesn’t actually sound like it. If you are then there is a significant problem with your management skills. If you aren’t then you are taking rhe wrong approach

In many(if not all) jobs, there are clear rules, regulations and orders from the mgmt and our higher ups we must follow, I work in teaching and constantly hear staff moaning about what slt is making them do.
Do they want to do it? No.
Do they agree with the instruction and see its value always? No.
Do they refuse? Absolutely not.

That is more about your attitude to work than how the world really functions. Teachers are professionals, judged against a set of national standards, not the whims of individual managers.

If a member of SLT is directing you to do something which is not in the best interest of your children's learning then your professional duty is to say no. I've worked for some managers who think otherwise but when push comes to shove they always fail.

In grown-up land the rationale for decisions is communicated, changes are discussed and people are treated like human beings.