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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

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43 replies

Yorkskaty · 03/01/2023 21:40

My daughter (34) had major knee surgery today. My husband has a late notice kidney removal tomorrow to remove one of the two cancers he’s had for the past couple of years. I sent a text to relevant/interested parties yesterday. (Relatives, friends who’ve asked to be kept in the loop) letting them know we’ll be out of circulation for a bit. Most replies were as you’d expect which was lovely. But one, which arrived today, has unsettled me. AIBU?
It was this: Hello to you too, and a very happy new year. We got back yesterday from 10 days away in various places and I was too tired to reply to your message then. Good news about ….and …;I hope all goes well for both of them. I have a long list of things to do for the next few days, but will be free to meet up next week apart from Monday and Thursday. Fingers crossed for good surgery outcomes.

OP posts:
Imthegingerbreadwoman · 03/01/2023 21:43

Why is it unsettling? I expect they didn't read your message properly....

watchfulwishes · 03/01/2023 21:44

Why has it unsettled you, specifically? Is this out of character for them, different style, or are they always like this?

It is a bit bright and breezy in reply to serious health worries but not sure why you feel unsettled?

maddy68 · 03/01/2023 21:44

You're overthinking this

She wants to meet up with you next week

Thatiswild · 03/01/2023 21:45

Bit self absorbed but she probably thinks it’s a good thing they’ve managed to get their surgery in the current situation in the NHS, if that is the case.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 03/01/2023 21:46

Why is it unsettling?

LIZS · 03/01/2023 21:47

Seems ok to me. If you were a bit vague about timescales she is available from next week. Is this someone you normally have close or very regular cobtact with?

mnahmnah · 03/01/2023 21:47

I’m confused. What’s wrong with that message?

Testina · 03/01/2023 21:47

What’s “unsettling” about it?

TeeBee · 03/01/2023 21:49

It's a bit 'me, me, me' but sounds like they're happy your family members have got in for surgery, which is a small miracle in itself at the moment. Sounds as though she's distracted but means well enough.

Aprilx · 03/01/2023 21:49

It isn’t an unsettling message, I am confused about your choice of word. There are elements of it that seem a bit blasé, like being to busy to answer sooner, but overall I don’t think there is anything wrong with it.

cushioncovers · 03/01/2023 21:50

Doesn't seem unsettling to me. Sounds like someone who's used to prioritising their own needs first, so will help you out when it suits them.

Heartsofstone · 03/01/2023 21:51

What do you mean ?

purpleme12 · 03/01/2023 21:53

She's wanting to see you (I presume that can be a good thing/source of support for you?) And wishes them well for the surgery. I'm also going to guess you can talk in further detail when you see each other. So it seems nice to me

Original poster
Yorkskaty · 03/01/2023 21:54

Thank you all. A bit of perspective.
I think it was mainly the ‘too tired’ which upset me. She’d travelled 50 miles as a passenger.

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 03/01/2023 21:56

I think it would be an eye roll for me, especially if she has form for this. Were you expecting an offer of help?

Testina · 03/01/2023 21:57

I don’t agree with the comment that it’s me me me…

Hello to you too,

  • that’s not about them
and a very happy new year.
  • that’s to the OP
We got back yesterday from 10 days away in various places and I was too tired to reply to your message then.
  • just explaining the delay in replying
Good news about ….and …;
  • that’s all about the OP’s news
I hope all goes well for both of them.
  • also about the OP’s news
I have a long list of things to do for the next few days, but will be free to meet up next week apart from Monday and Thursday.
  • it’s about the sender but only in the context of when they’ll be available to see the OP. It’s perhaps a little out of step with the OP saying she’s not around - but we haven’t actually seen that text wording
Fingers crossed for good surgery outcomes.
  • and straight back to the OP’s news

So the sender has mentioned themselves only in the context of replying / meeting up with OP and has directly and positively commented about the operations THREE times in just one short text!

Hardly unsettling.

watchfulwishes · 03/01/2023 21:57

Yorkskaty · 03/01/2023 21:54

Thank you all. A bit of perspective.
I think it was mainly the ‘too tired’ which upset me. She’d travelled 50 miles as a passenger.

She may have been tired due to not sleeping or anything. If they're a bit tactless/selfish don't text them more info. Only you know if they're a good friend overall.

WerkinMum · 03/01/2023 21:57

Whoever sent it sounds quite self absorbed and unfeeling. Brushing over serious operations and adding in inappropriate details about their own trivial things. Saying they're too tired to reply is rude under the circumstances.

SityingConar · 03/01/2023 21:58

Can see how you found the style a bit indelicate but think it’s just one of those ones where a text is written in a way that can be misread. Sounds like she just wanted to explain (and apologise for) the delay getting back to you and explain when she’ll be available to meet.

Testina · 03/01/2023 21:59

Yorkskaty · 03/01/2023 21:54

Thank you all. A bit of perspective.
I think it was mainly the ‘too tired’ which upset me. She’d travelled 50 miles as a passenger.

Upset you? That’s very precious. She’s allowed to be tired, you don’t get to decide that based on her driving status or distance.
You didn’t even send her a personal text by the sounds of it, just done round robin update thing.

Porcinimushroom · 03/01/2023 22:00

Was she not just explaining why she didn’t respond?

honestlyi think it’s best not to sit and over analyse peoples words like this , looking for offence.

MichaelFartblender · 03/01/2023 22:01

Yorkskaty · 03/01/2023 21:54

Thank you all. A bit of perspective.
I think it was mainly the ‘too tired’ which upset me. She’d travelled 50 miles as a passenger.

It can take me up to a week to reply to messages. She is allowed to be tired too.

She sounds like a good friend.

All the best to your dd and DH.

HappyTalkingTalkingHappyTalk · 03/01/2023 22:02

I like the way you’ve read it @Testina thats probably the way the friend meant it to come across.
It just shows how much we can miss through text communication rather than speaking! The negativity bias we are hardwired for means it’s easy to jump to a negative.

WandaWonder · 03/01/2023 22:04

I don't get the problem, if you need to analyse texts then best not use that method of communication maybe

Porcinimushroom · 03/01/2023 22:18

Yorkskaty · 03/01/2023 21:54

Thank you all. A bit of perspective.
I think it was mainly the ‘too tired’ which upset me. She’d travelled 50 miles as a passenger.

That’s quite mean. She’s been away from home for 10 days. That’s generally quite knackering. She’s allowed to be tired.